This Week

This week has been rough emotionally, physically, spiritually, and mentally. It has been a trying week for me. Extremely hard in all ways. But also, good things have happened. I have been happy this week. Last week, my friends kicked me out of their house. I was going to have to go back to living with my parents, I was going to have to start all over with my therapy, and I was going to lose the job I hadn't even gotten a chance to start yet. I was not told that I was being kicked out when it occurred. I was told I was going to go visit my parents and to pack a bag for a few days. I wasn't ready to be back in my hometown mentally and emotionally, but I had no choice and reluctantly went along with it. Too much happened too fast and I was shocked and emotional. Then the next morning I get a call saying I am no longer welcome to live with my friends and I become even more emotional. All my things were still there, I was stuck in a different city, and I wasn't welcome to be around my friends. All I could think about is how awful of a person I must be. I never seem to last to live with people for more than a few months and I was being kicked out again. What is so bad about me that makes it a pain for me to stay around? I felt like a horrible person, like I was just wrong and like I was no good for anything. I felt so upset. Later, I am told that I have borderline personality disorder. That it was something that was caused by my early childhood and it wasn't my fault for having it but also that I would now not even be allowed in the same city as my friends and that it was no longer my home because of what I had. Hearing about this new term I just felt sick and upset at myself. I hated myself. I thought about how horrible I must be if having this makes people not want anything to do with me just like that. If this thing would make my best friends turn away from me that fast. I was told that I was diseased and was told that I am not even thinking straight and that all my thoughts were sick thoughts from the "disease". I felt like I was a drippy and snotty tissue that someone holds with the tips of their fingers and keeps at arms length. I felt like a problem and burden. Soon enough I am allowed back at my friends house to live once more and I feel sometimes like I am walking on eggshells. I feel like I am invading. The thought keeps going through my mind that this is no longer my home. I feel as if I am just spending the night here for many nights. I feel like I need to keep my things together and out of the way as much as I can. Like I am in the way and I feel out of place. This feeling is slightly new. I did not feel this way before. I thought of the house as my home and was comfortable. Now I do feel okay but sometimes feel uncomfortable, out of place, and like I need to be doing something to keep my worth. To show that I can have place here. It is a very heartbreaking feeling to be at home but not feel at home. To be scared that I am in the way. So this week has been hard getting readjusted and settled in again.

Today, was an emotional day. My friends six year old stayed home from school because she missed her bus in the morning. I had a meeting for work and decided to take her along and then afterwards took her to the park to play and took her to the store and bought her a treat. She picked cotton candy. I played with her for the most part all day, made her dinner, woke up just to make her food when asked in the morning, and kept her happy. Then later that evening I was hurt by a six year old girl. After all that I did that day I saw how messy the house was and was going to clean. She had spent an hour on the computer, watched five movies, played video games, and played at the park. So I asked her to help me clean up to keep her busy instead of letting her just watch more tv (I am soooooooooooo against kids sitting around all day watching tv). Her being six I asked her to put her shoes away, put the movies back in the cabinet, and fold the four blankets that were on the floor. I was tackling three very messy rooms alone and really was hoping for some help. Even a little would help. She started to but got lazy and didn't want to do it anymore. She sat down, said she couldn't, and said "I refuse to do anymore and I wont because my mom said you aren't the boss of me." I told her I was just asking for help and that I did so much for her without even a thank you once for anything and she then said "well you said we could get a movie from the store and then you didn't." After all I did and she just yells at me about not doing more and getting her a movie too? I felt so appalled and didn't know what to think. I was so hurt I just gave up, told her not to ask me for anything else today, told her to go play, and cleaned myself. It really bugged me that she acted that way to me. She is only six and is being raised well but she showed no manners, didn't care, and showed her greedy side like I've never seen before. It was the first time I have spent almost the whole day alone with her and im sorry to say that as of right now it is not something I want to do again.

This week has been hard and also good but those two things have stuck out in my mind and have bothered me tonight. And I feel a tiny bit better being able to write about it and not keep it inside all the time.
Kaity5 Kaity5
18-21, F
May 12, 2012