This Really Happend To Me, Love Family And Friends.

Chapter 5 Hallucinations/hospitalization/damnation
SO where did I leave off. Well a bunch has happened since the last time ive written about my life story. While ive been writing I was using Heroin to cope with my existence and the struggles I was and still am dealing with. About four months ago I was coming off meth, being paranoid, I told my mom I was under the influence and at that moment they called the ambulance who immediately came and took me to the hospital. The hospital then recommended that I went to treatment; but I refused, so my parents essentially kicked me out, so it was just me and my car. I also lost my job at the warehouse due to attendance and performance issues. I was driving around Auburn until I ran out of gas while I was still seeing things (because meth is a hallucinogen and because I’ve been diagnosed with schizophrenia). I parked my car at Mcdonalds and walked to the gas station about five miles from my vehicle. It was freezing cold and I thought the prophecies in the bible were happening due to the hallucinations. I literally thought the world had ended and I was amongst the last of the people on earth who are as some may know damned. As I was walking to my parents for once last attempt at getting some assistance, I thought that the world had frozen over and everyone left on earth would be eventually dead due to the cold within thirty days. Some real extreme, scary stuff as one may tell. I eventually got to my parents house who told me to leave or they would call the cops. For a while I debated on going to my friends up the street, but it was 5:00 in the morning and I decided not to drag him into my mess. So I left for the gas station another couple miles down the road.

Upon arriving, there was already an ambulance there. I explained to him I needed help the best I could and he eventually brought me to the hospital where I stayed for a few days until I calmed down. Now because my egos already been destroyed as previously explained, one might be able to say this was not an easy experience for me. After staying at the hospital for a few days my family finally located me and drove to the care center which was a big relief. I was very happy to see them. After staying at the hospital they sent me to a mental center due to my hallucinations and inability to take care of my self at the time. While staying their I was still hallucinating which to this day I don’t know if some of the things that happened to me were real or fake.

After a week I checked out of the hospital and went to Fairfax for impatient. They pretty much went over ways to help cope with society which was helpful at the time. Going through this was it was an even bigger struggle because of everything that’s happened to me. To this day I still only feel one friend truly understands the significance of what’s happened with my life. As a kid we are taught to read and talk and function, and our responses our always out of a sort of LOVE ME or be FUNNY type of sake. This dictates pretty much all of our actions. Because I made up something in my head to be the center of attention all the time, when I realized I had nothing to worry about after doing ecstasy, the LOVE ME part of my brain stopped functioning. Its very complicated and hopefully later on Ill be able to explain it even better. Although you might be thinking please I get it already but if people understood the nature of what happened, I don’t believe people would set these expectations for me. OR would at least understand why it’s so hard for me to do even the littlest things.

Anyways, after finishing Fairfax I then went to treatment, again. This was a most difficult experience. My body has been going through changes so it was hard for me to literally stand during discussions. But I managed and met another friend when I first got there. We were pretty equal at chess which props for his intelligence because I usually beat most people. While at treatment I realized I was powerless over my addiction and after completing 28 days I then graduated and moved into an oxford house where I’m currently writing this now.

Chapter 6 I don’t have to care about anything.

Now as some may imagine, when you are constantly worried your hole life about impressing people and making people laugh or whatever it might be, when realizing there was nothing wrong with me and this burden was taken off my shoulders it was huge relief. Because I was still coming down off of ecstasy when this happened almost five years ago, I wasn’t exactly in a normal mind state. I decided at that point that I didn’t have to worry about anything. Going on a spree with thoughts trying not to care about social interactions, or whatever it might be. It’s actually amazing because I was also trying to help people which I did for a while. I could see why people were disagreeing in an argument and would find a middle point where each of them could meet. A couple years ago, Stephen a smith and Skip Bayless were arguing on sports center. I sent them an email on their fan site which I think they both read because ever since they have been Seeing Eye to eye. The chances are slim, but I cant help but to notice that ever since that message was sent that they changed they way they interrupted things, and saw eye to eye with one another. I also helped my parents with their marriage and them fighting which I don’t like to talk about because I don’t feel anyone should have so much of an impact on people. But people have explained to me that individuals chose what to take in and what not, so I shouldn’t feel bad. But the people I’ve given my advice to I believe know I helped them in some way. I had a g.f a few years ago who said she liked it when I talked because it made her see things from a different perspective and made her think. This was the advantage of being smart, crazy, and in my head, the downfall was that I was in complete misery all the time. Thanks Bush. Just kidding, this was an inside joke my friend and I had, we sort of blamed Bush for everything haha.

However, my misery would later come because I would not know how to handle down time or not being the center of attention. I was so used to doing something or anything at every second, such as eating food fast like the people do in the military, or knowing that a girl was watching me when about to play a soccer game. I became so into my new set of thoughts that it drove me crazy, not to mention my ego disappeared, and I became a recluse. My ego was gone, I didn’t care about anything, or tried not to when I really did, and the defense mechanism in my brain was disrupted which would take five years to come back. Anyways, for the first few weeks after my life changing epiphany everything was wonderful. It was wonderful but wasn’t actually. It was wonderful when I was around the people I was rolling with. But had no idea who I was or what to say around my soccer friends or another friends outside of that group. Anyways, I had a g.f and I was going to school but my happiness was quickly going away and I knew I was in a whole world of hurt due to what I had done to my brain. But the happiness which was sustained by being the center of attention all the time was going away. Thus I was feeling less and less happy and crazier as time went on. Five years later just this past moment with an interaction with one of my roommates did my brain respond normally. Things aren’t and will never be the same but that little bit of egoness has come back but in a different way. My body needed time to adjust, and my mind needed time to re heal so I could figure out who I am without being the center of attention. This took five years.

Chapter 7 Not getting easier but thanks for understanding.

SO life has been pretty very difficult the past week. Sometimes I feel as if I’m in a nightmare. Sometimes I count down the minutes just so I can go to sleep and not have to be conscious. I know and have heard about other people feeling this way but I wonder if it’s the same. I just had a long conversation in the car with my sister whom I love dearly. She’s now beginning to understand or talk to me about this colossal issue in which I’m dealing with. The sad part is, at times my brain will recognize old thought patterns and I will feel normal or sense of self or ego coming back for a few minutes. But I’ll eventually return to my total state of misery. My worst fear is the farther along I’m unable to function the farther apart I will go grow from my family. So I pray whatever happens that we always stay close in spite of my actions or non actions, however one may look at it. I say non actions because I feel like blah, my brain that was once thinking all the time has no reason to worry or think and I’m in a constant state of nothingness. Not nothingness but more so misery. That’s part of the reason why I liked doing meth, it made my mind think a little bit that is. I know drugs are bad but if I were to obtain some sort of safe ridolin, which would help me not feel as if nothing was going on in my brain then I might feel better. At this point that’s all one can aim for. Constantly trying to feel some sort of mental relief is the best one can do. My social skills are down the drain. I have trouble being at one place at one time. I know this a bunch of negatives so I’ll try to end this part with some positives. I still have my family, friends, and a place to live.

Chapter 8 A girl?

SO as I previously mentioned I was using heroin for a while. This was while I was working at the warehouse. And just after I stopped writing last time there was a girl whom I met at the bar. Her name will also keep disclosed. We were out at the bar and there were a couple of cute girls across the room. My friend dared the girl that was with us to go talk to them so she did. Before leaving they wanted me to take a picture with them so I did. And after leaving the bar she asked for my number which we exchanged. Later on she sent me some texts and called me. After being on the phone with her for sometime I finally told her I was crazy. Being intrigued she asked what I meant so I explained to her the best I could. Surprisingly, she liked me anyways and for about a month we would hangout off and on. Although, I was still messed up in the head there was still some confidence within myself. However, this relationship abruptly ended when she started dating a guy named Richard, after that point there was no conversation between us to this day. Sure I sent her a couple of messages but being in the state which one is in, there was no point to really pursue her. Right now as I’m writing this can I only hope one day there will be a time when I’m ready for an actual relationship. Either that or a woman’s going to have to cope with the way I am.

Chapter 9 Disability Benefits?

After the conversation my sister and I had in her car I’ve decided to apply for disability. There’s something that I haven’t mentioned because I’ve feel utterly hopeless regardless, but I have been diagnosed with schizophrenia, depression, and anxiety. Now some people at this point might think OH well that explains everything. But it doesn’t, I was once able to cope with this because of the way my brain processed information before. But now that my brain doesn’t function like it used too, these problems have become even more unmanageable and will hopefully aid me to some disability benefits which one desperately needs. Part of this paper may be used to explain why I’m qualified for benefits but if one were too read from the beginning they may already understand. Anyways, anything’s worse then when one has nothing going on in their brain and they are expected to complete certain tasks at work. I have been fired and laid off from countless jobs because I would just stand there incapable of interacting with other human beings, or not stacking boxes properly, (at my last job) or being so fatigued that I could barely stand. Pretty much all the symptoms of Schizophrenia apply to my state of being. And I know this because recently just read them off of list supplied by the SSB website. However, when someone asks what are your symptoms it’s It’s hard to explain and not read directly off the list because the list describes it best. I recently learned the fatigue that I experience were due to the schizophrenic thoughts. How I was able to do some of the jobs I did with all of this in my head going on is amazing. Unloading boxes out of a semi truck, serving food, answering phone calls, exc. However, most of these jobs have ended with myself being terminated or laid off due to my disabilities and lack of brain functioning or however someone may put it. The meth didn’t help my state of mind either, for the past few months I thought that I and other people were turning into angels. I even attempted flying at one time. I now believe this 75% false but still am a little unsure.
Gregcalder06 Gregcalder06
Jan 14, 2013