Is It Me?

Since my big breakup in 2009, I have tried to reclaim my love life, tried to build a relationship with a man.

It usually started like this:
Man meets me (in whatever setting). Man seems interested, pays me compliments, makes me feel special. I would feel happy, and do little things to show my appreciation and make them feel special. I would also give myself to them physically, because it seems this is what we have come to expect of a relationship, as a society.

But then sooner or later, they would lose interest.

So, I have been wondering what I am doing wrong...

As a woman I feel a huge amount of pressure to look immaculately perfect, trim, tanned, impeccable hair, wrinkle-free, cellulite-free... but I am not. I am not ugly - in fact I think I am rather pretty - but I am no supermodel, I am not skinny or very toned.

On top of that magazines claim that men are those complicated animals that you should always second-guess for clues that they no longer love you, are cheating on you etc, together with supposed "tips" to catch and keep the right guy.

I am guilty of being to needy, or too nice, or too caring or whatever. Being too nice or too keen alledgedely scares the gentlemen off. I am supposed to act differently, to not let them think I am keen, to make them want me...

And I am left wondering: what the hell happened to just being myself, an imperfect but genuine and caring woman, loyal and who just frigging hates playing games? Why should I work hard to be a person that I am not, trying to behave in a way that isn't in my temperament? I am loving. I love making a man feel special. I love being close and sharing my heart and feelings. Is that so wrong? I am loyal, I am committed - I will not play a man and go look elsewhere if I am with him. Is that so wrong? You tell me. Coz I don't know anymore.
DancingFox DancingFox
31-35, F
4 Responses May 6, 2011

Yes, I understand that. I just hate how the media hammer it into us, that we have to look perfect. Even if you know in your mind that they are unrealistic, seeing it over and over again leaves a mark...

Thanks ersatz, I take in what you are saying. Although in my opinion, there is a fine line between being comfortable and letting yourself go. I know I cannot look magazine perfect, but I still want to take care of myself so as not to look bad - and trust me, rolling out of bed with yet-unwashed hair and the night's body smells, pre-shower... it not a good look on anyone!

You are 100% right - I think it may be the insecurities and neediness caused by depression that scares them off. I need to get better first.<br />
On the other hand, if it only happens when I am "cured" and without issues, it may never happen at all! I mean, no one will ever be perfect...

Kit... I dunno either. <br />
But what i do know is until i change ME, the inside ME. The bit that expects this, that almost things its what I deserve, the bit that thinks its always MY fault that something went wrong.<br />
Even if I have evidence to the contrary.<br />
Until THAT bit inside me changes.... I attract the same old crap. <br />
Epic failure on the relationship status... come see me, you can play with one of my puppies....<br />
Im single. Not always happily, but fundamentally (why does that word have 'fun' and 'mental' in? ) I know If I get involved before I have done the 'repair' work on myself that the cycle will just repeat... <br />
Over and Over and Over.... Just like always.... and Ive decided i deserve better than Ive always thought i deserved....<br />
Im waxing lyrical today. Sorry.