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Shades Of Pain

its rough to live my life this way
i am slipping away more day to day

at times i wonder if 'all this' is real

are people just little cut out figurines
cause the world is so scary and strange so it seems

and no one to mirror my pain and my dreams

therefore maybe some comfort to imagine all of out there is a figment of my imaginings

the pain overwhelms me it drowns me each time
every time i feel i have lost my mind

the big blow it flattens my body my soul and my hopes

i wonder what's to rise up for what is left?

shades of gray colour my days, fears, regrets lost chances i'll never get

no one to come into my chaotic brain and hold my frantic heart and soothe me from within

i ask myself sometimes, do i only exist because you will me to exist, is that all that i am?

i move i act i put on facades, inside i am dying i am crying i am imploding

see how pretty i can look today, oh what a jokester i am

i cried myself to sleep today after you pushed me away and i smacked your arm in defense

i cried because that got me 'to falling' to thinking yet again about dying and the promise of no  more agony

i wept today because that triggered me , the abuse i grew up with, can't seem to retreat from

seems like there isn't a safe harbor after all...

i cried in my room behind closed doors, you did not come to check on me

but wallowed in your self righteousness

is all life such a ******* farce?

cause if it is i just want out

i want the quiet peacefulness of nothing
 
lunadelobos lunadelobos 41-45 5 Responses Jan 16, 2011

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Thank you so much carpediem, your faith is unwavering, it must be a great comfort.<br />
<br />
I am trying to seek out ppl in the real world to be my ooo i don't even know friends kindred spirits , someone who gets me and i feel safe with them. <br />
Sometimes i think it's too late but i will keep trucking, i think am just behind the great mountian which conceals sweet green grass, bubbling clear streams and brooks and fresh air and a great wonderful sense of joy and calmness.<br />
<br />
I got to keep on believing!<br />
<br />
big hugs, with love, K !!

LhF , who or what is Wonder Dog ?<br />
o_O

The sum of all of your broken parts still makes a pretty great woman. Do not despair, Wonder Dog is Hair... shuckers....

thank you very much! i agree wholeheartedly with what you said, we are so much better and so much more than our broken parts. so what, we are still radiant , still very capable and passinate and every bit as whole as the others. i think the trick is to try and shift focus,self care and support!<br />
<br />
hugs, K.

Wow, this is me, right here, right now .... thanx for sharing ...i want to jump up and change, ignore the hurt, the disrespect, and move on ~ but I sit stuck, and no one cares or is concerned but me ... we gotta get out of this, we're better that where we are ...