I Love Him. He Loves Me.. Bt V Still Cant Be 2gether..

i intend to tell this to him...bt jst bcuz i cant i m writin it here..

i jst dnt kno what has gt in2 me..i cant believe that i m lettin dis happen 2 myself..

my life will end in ruins... i know for sure that evryone arnd me is happy bt y dnt i feel d cheer? i kno i want this bt y m i still so unsure..i jst dnt kno whether i wud ever b able to giv myself 2 sumone else like i gav u... i jst dnt kno if evr i wud feel comfort in someone's hug at all.. i dnt kno if i will evr b able to love the way i loved u... y is that u keep hauntin me all d tym, i have tried enuf...bt still hold onto u.. y cant i jst let u go? i'll b getton married soon..bt i dont feel the same way for him the way i feel for u.....i jst keep losin myself.. i want 2 forget u..i want u out frm my life.. bt i never find security and comfort in anyone else's words..i m never convinced by what others say and do.. i kno he loves me way too much..n i dont want to let him down.. i want to love him back..bt his touch and hugs never make me feel wanted.. i try to find u in evryone i meet...and i look in vain.. cuz dere's noone even close to u.. hw long is this goin 2 b dis way? i m confused as to what i shud do...i want to live my life happily... bt i m nt happy widout u by me...i want to love my husband...n i dnt want 2 betray and lose his trust ever.. does that mean i will have to fake a smile forever? i wud hav to gracefully lie to people that i m happy.. indeed show them i m very happy...! wen it **** to u.. i dnt kno y i can simply feel u wid my eyes closed... its like i hav dis strong power that helps me recall ur face like a blind wud read braille widout eyes..wen he touches me.. i dnt feel anythng... where ur words only made my heart beat faster.. i listened to evry word u say... bt wen its him i m lost.. in my own world...sometimes nt even carin to what he says... i dnt feel his pain... should i be marryin him? my parents want me to... do i ? i guess its a do or die situation... i cant risk losin my mom dad wen i say what i want at heart.. its 2010...six years i was wit u.. i still remember d rain when we both got drenched... the times we fought like kids, and the time wen i lost myself in ur eyes... cant people see in my eyes.. its only u ..n no1 else.. i kno for sure no one can ever take ur place, never. everyday i wake up..its like a new fight.. a fight to live, hw badly do i want to die and ease this pain.. d worst part is that i hav never been able to tell u hw mch u mean to me.. i ignored u wen u did.. i wanted to...bt i cudnt...dere were tyms wen i went weak... and desperately came runnin back to u... bt only wen i realise dere was no turnin back..i was already engaged to a man who loves me... and my family respect is at stake..i slowed down...i stopped myself and told my heart to stop lovin u... bt it always argued back that it ws nearly impossible.. each night i look at d moon and try 2 talk 2 u.. i know this sounds cheesy.. more like a fairytale... bt yeah i do..hopin dat u wud look at d moon at that time.. n listen to my words... i miss u all d tym... if ever i was to live again.. i wud pray to God that for once let me hav u..
fatammi fatammi
18-21
Jul 24, 2010