My Situation Is Rough And Complicated!!! Please Read I Need Help!!!!

I found out my stepdad is cheating on my mom, apparently hes been cheating for years. With some other thai woman. He calls her when my mom is gone,wich is every year at New Year for 3 months, he says stuff like I love you. Every year at New Year I'm home alone cause my dad is going to Thailand too but only for 1 month. My mom and dad goes their separate ways when they got there. My mom goes to my family, in a small uncivilized village,my dad stays in Bangkok. I think my stepdad goes to Thailand every year to go to his mistress. On the phone he always says 'I miss you'.My world fell apart, I've always looked up to my stepdad. He's the man who brought me opportunies I used to dream of. He's willing to pay my studies for college. There are 3 man in my life who plays a big part. First is my real dad, my dad is a guy who raped my mom and she got pregnant from it,me. I got 2 older brothers ( they live in Thailand ) they have the same father. That father is my namedad, I inherited his lastname. My namedad hits me when I was a kid and I thought it was because he was a alcoholic. But really, he just hated me because I wasn't his son. He always took my brothers to places and loved them but he neglected me. So my mom divorced my namedad when I was about 2 and I was raised by my grandmother, she's the person who made me feel loved and I was really close to her. But then she got bitten by a snake at a festival she took me to, cause I wanted to go and she died. Then my aunt raised, I only see my mom once a year at New Year then she would come to visite and then left to Bangkok to work. I don't remember growing up having any kind of affection, my mom never hugged or said she loved me, my dad left me and my namedad hits me. Only my grandmother gave me love. Years later my mom met my stepdad and things started to get better. When I was 10 I moved to Belgium. My brothers stayed in Thailand, they didn't wanted to go to another country. I was a kid so I needed motherlove. I'm very grateful for my stepdad cause he tooked me under his wing and sent me to school, wich many childeren my age couldn't in Thailand. So being raised by my mom was difficult cause she doesn't know me, she's pretty pessimistic. I understand cause she's been through stuff in life. But she always exaggerate and she have a bad idea of me. Because everytime I've done something bad my aunt calls my mom and reports everything. I always listen to my parents cause I wanted them to be proud of me, I wanted my mom to love me and my stepdad to accept me. I have good grades, I cook my own dinner and wash and iron my clothes and clean the house everyday. I dont smoke or go to parties. But still my parents don't appriciate me and they complain about the slightest mistake I make,like forgetting my keys. They make a scene out of it. Over the years the relation with my mom got a little bumpy. I wished it was different, I love my mom with all my heart, she didn't left me like my two dads. She has a good heart but she have trouble showing motherlove. My stepdad only speaks to me if I have to do something, he has two grown up childeren but they never talk, now I understand why they have a bad relationship. I don't think I love my stepdad but its more graditude I feel for him. I always thought he's not a good father but he has a good heart. But after finding out he's cheating I'm not sure anymore. I think the reason why I'm gay ( closet cause my parents hates gays ) is because unconciously I'm always looking for a man to look up to, someone who come and rescue me and be my sevior and take me in his arm and love me, take care of me. Now I'm stuck, I can't talk anyone. If I tell my mom she's gonna leave my stepdad and we have to go back to Thailand and she can''t affort my studies. If she stays, she's gonna be unhappy. But at the same time I wanna go to college and go to Thailand because I don't feel at home in Belgium. As an asian male in the west its hard. Being an asian male puts you on the bottom of the food chain, that's how Hollywood portrays us. Unattractive, nerdy, feminine. I'm gay but I'm not effeminate. Now being gay and asian is hard. If I can go to college, I have to stay in Belgium for 5 years and feel bad and insecure everyday. 2 years ago I went to visite my family in Thailand and I felt so happy, I didn't feel insecure or being watched. People didn't saw me as that chinese(like how people speak of me here), no they see me as a person who's just passing by. Somedays in class people would make a racist joke, its like they don't even see me. On the street sometimes I get make fun of. People stares, I really want to have a degree but I miss Thailand. I'm in the closet and asian so I have never had a lover. I want to be a game disigner but I'm afraid to fail and not loved.
An Ep User An EP User
Jan 12, 2013