Bigotry Ain't Beautiful Part 2

Well, that little girl's bigotry hopefully won't get her beat up or killed, how she was talking and acting. And her mommy won't be able to protect her, not if her looking right through me is any indication.

I prepared for the physical onslaught of this stuff, but it still hit me hard. I kind of knew when my right arm felt like someone had used it as a punching bag that same day, that the physical stuff was gonna be huge.

Scientific worlds and medical worlds think you cannot be born with conversion disorder, but some psychiatrists who met me know it is not the case for me. Emotional pain has always turned into something physical for me. Do I wish I could self-harm and mentally escape? No because physical pain causes more emotional pain and it's just a circle there. Which is why I say self-harmers are stronger than they know.

I have been wearing menstrual pads just in case I got my period. Good thing too, cause I just got it. I can smell a weird smell again which I know only I can smell but I am drinking the fiesta tea which makes me burp and fart. I know. I know. Gross. But for me, if I burp and fart, it means whatever stress is in me leaves. It's been like that. Thankfully it is silent and odor-free. And when I do burp and fart, the smell momentarily goes away.

My right arm still feels like someone used it as a punching bag. My right shoulder, palm of left hand and bottoms of my feet feel like someone is stabbing them. I am trying to be focused on not letting that girl get to me, but even that makes it worse. Many tell others just keep busy or find something to do or just don't think about it. Not so for me. If I actually make attempts to force my body to be better from this before my body is ready to, I will get worse physical reactions that land me in the hospital and unconscious. So I have to let it ride its course and I just thank Jesus for holding my hand through it all. I mean no offense to those who don't believe in Jesus.

I know there are some things in life I will never be able to comprehend because I don't have the logical part of the brain, and I can either let it throw me a pity party - which I refuse to do - or I can celebrate the nice moments when my emotional sensitivity isn't beating me up - which I always do. I was warned early on that my heart has to work harder to help me because of how sensitive I am, so I just celebrate each day and I never regret because something good always happens from the bad if I see it through, no matter how bad it hurts.

I love life though life does not always love me. I am glad I have my friends when I face these calamities. :)
blossomingbeauti blossomingbeauti
36-40, F
Sep 16, 2012