How I avoid reality.

At my worst, I sleep over 13 hours every day. I suffer from moderate depression and social anxiety disorder. It is just so much easier to go to sleep then to face my life. However, sleep isn't the only unhealthy outlet I have to escape. I also use TV, Books and Movies to create story lines for my life. It's really pathetic and I have never been able to tell anyone about it. Not even my Doctors. I just wish that I was able to face reality or that I had a reality worth facing, either one.
marleyisso marleyisso
18-21, F
2 Responses Sep 23, 2012

If you want help email this to someone who can help

I am twice your age and feel the same and do the same as you. Not just because I am depressed but because I hurt everyday too, and sleeping(from all the meds) helps to some level. But my mind escaping in ty shows takes me away from what I live in now. And I have never ever told that to anyone not even my husband or kids, grown or the ones at home. I wish I could crawl into the tv and live those lives instead of mine.
I completely understand you.

Thank you so much! You have no idea how good it feels not to be the only one. Do you normally picture yourself as the protagonist or do you insert your own character into the storyline?

I grew up not having a very happy childhood. I had much older brother and 2 sisters that I saw perhaps 5 or 6 times because they didn't get along with my mom and I didn't know why til I was 18, I should have figured it out sooner myself. She was beyond demanding, overly religious, and extremely hateful when you disobeyed her in her eyes. And of course, I was the only one there to take the brunt of all of it til I was 18. So I watched a lot of tv shows to escape it all. I put myself in them as the one who needed to be rescued, saved, cured, or loved, no matter what show it was. I loved every show I watched growing up, and still do, and I still find myself losing myself in them. Of course, I am great at trivia because of this lol. I did leave home at 18 and find out that mom was the same with my brother and sisters, yet because of our age differences and not being raised together we have never been close either. I know from taking psychology that I most likely hunger for love and attention due to my childhood and most likely my tv show addiction and how I see them shows it also. I guess it will never change. I have a husband that I know loves me with all his heart. But I see how other people live on tv, whether it be a show or even reality tv and I wish it could be us. I am so sick and tired of living and struggling and getting no where. I am smart, hell I even have a wonderful idea for people like me who suffer from migraines, just don't know how to get it made and sold but I know it does work cos I use it, and mine are awful and keep me in bed on meds and asleep most days. So why can't I be like the people I see, why do I have to be me???

You are alone marleyisso!
What are some of your favorite shows, old or new?

Some of my favourite weekly TV Shows right now are 2 Broke girls, Bones, Glee, Castle, Switched at Birth, Two and a Half men, The Big Bang Theory and a few others. But those aren't normally the ones that I get really invested in. Some of those would be: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel, Grey's Anatomy, 21 Jump Street, Harry Potter, The Chronicles of Narnia, The Hunger Games, The Twilight movies/novels, and Game of Thrones/A Song of Ice and Fire. I can watch/read these over and over and never get bored. I always create a new character for myself. Usually I'm lost in time and somehow I end up in the show/book's alternate universe. When I am in a magical/fantasy world I am often something nonhuman like a vampire or mermaid. Sometimes I just make up some kind of hybrid monster that looks like me normally but then changes drastically when I get scared or angry. I like to feel strong, like I can protect myself and the people I care about. I'm not sure what psychological implications that may have but it likely has something to do with how strongly I worry about bad things happening to my friends and family. Normally I don't mind being addicted to this but every once in a while I realize what I'm doing and how is't affecting me and it makes me feel bad every time I do it. Ultimately, though, I think I'm happier when I do it then when I try to stop.

You should try making your migraine cure and selling it at farmers markets or to your friends and neighbours. I think thats how some people get started. But you should maybe try to get a copyright first. I'll ask my Dad next weekend if you would like. He tried to invent something a few years ago so he may have some tips.

I always wish I was more like the other girls I see at school. They all just seem so put together. Even my close friends are all so confident and they are both handling the changes we've had since graduating so well. Sometimes I feel kind of left behind.

I'm really glad we've met. What are you're favourites?

I love Bones, Glee, Buffy, Angel, The Big Bang Theory, all Harry Potter, Doctor Who, Being Human(BBC and SyFy version) infact anything British, lived there for 3 yrs a while back(Buffy is on all day today on Chiller btw lol). I have gotten into some cooking shows in the last couple years too, the Top Chef ones and Hells Kitchens. Oh and Lost Girl and Fringe and Merlin and many many more, I honestly believe that without a tv I would not exist, my depression would become worse if I had to actually live in the real world.
Yes please ask your Dad, thank you.
The world was easier before graduation, growing up is hard. I told my kids to enjoy being young and not grow up so fast cos once you are here, you are here forever and it can really suck. People I thought were mean in school but adults can be meaner. I had friends in school but you do grow apart after you graduate. And my adult friends and I were close until I came to realize that I was always there for them and they were never there for me. When I got sick in 2005 no one was there to talk. And when we lost our house I turned to them again(silly me) and they all were so busy with their lives they ignored me. But once we had our own place again and we got online and I got on Facebook they all started adding me but no one ever talks to me. Even my own sister on there doesn't message me back when I message her. I have came to realization that it must be me, it can't be all of them, can it?
To me it sounds like you do want to protect everyone that you care about and that's a wonderful thing. Be proud of yourself, yours sounds better than mine lol.
I am glad we met also.

I really hope my friends and I don't grow apart, although, it is a very real possibility. They both want to live in different cities/countries when they grow up. But I've been best friends with one of them for almost 14 years so hopefully even if we're not best friends, we'll at least keep in touch.

As to the situation with your friends. I guess logically, it could be you. But, for the record, I don't think it is. You seem really nice and cool to me. I've heard that most people with SAD give off a kind of "don't talk to me" vibe. I'm pretty sure I do, even when I'm trying not to. Maybe that could apply to you as well?

I asked my Dad and he said that he didn't really have any good advice, but he does have some books that he can recommend. I can get a list of the weekend when I go home.

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