How Far Will I Go?!

My story begins in church.  After moving into this new town, I gravitated to a church where I became fast friends with a few of the members.  I joined a group at the church which did a project with a local group in town.  I met the professor I would have the following year...  This year, when I was placed in his class, I was so excited.  All I wanted to do was impress him, and the impressing hasn't stopped since. I hold a position in the class which REQUIRES me to spend a little bit more time organizing and planning with him.  I quickly got into another class he was teaching, then just recently, my adult friends from church encouraged me to join a group he leads in the area. Of course, they don't know that I may have feelings for him. 

This man is single, very charming, hilarious, and brilliant.  When a girl feels the way I do about her professor, she wants to talk about it all the time.  When I find myself talking about him too much, I say "For the record, I'm not in love with him, I just want to BE him someday" (as if I aspire to be the professional he is).  Tonight after the group he leads got over, my church friends and I went to a bar and sat around a table and chatted for a while.  My professor shows up and sits at the table I'm at with my friends.  As I start a boring conversation on my side of the table, I carefully listen to my professor tell one of my church friends about a date he went on two weekends ago.  All I could do was be jealous of this woman. 

I have always been into older men.  This professor is 34, I'm 20.  I wouldn't say that that is a huge deal... I am having trouble coming to terms with this situation because I am a very mature 20-year-old.  I seek out leadership positions in this church, I take on leadership positions at school, I don't talk bad about people, I'm very friendly and outgoing...  I wonder if I'm falling for someone who is finally on my level, you know?  Someone who inspires me, wants the best for me, great with other people, genuinely loves people.  When he is having a bad day, I can tell, and it almost hurts me a little.  When people are disrespecting him in class and outside of class, I defend him.  I creep his facebook every day to see what's "on his mind".  Others say he is not attractive, but I don't see that at all.  All of this is coming from someone who has never fallen for a guy because of his looks.  I remember a few people saying he looks like a garden gnome.  Nope. Don't see it. 

My feelings escalated recently when I was daydreaming in my room.  I envisioned a dark restaurant, plenty of people, but no one important -except for my professor and myself.  In this vision, I was having a horrible day and was even crying a little.  I was sitting alone at the bar when I hear a familiar voice shout out my last name.  I turn to reveal a soggy face to my professor.  His face darkens and he sits on the stool next to mine and puts his hand on my back in some form of cheap comfort.  I decide not to pursue him *at this point* and explain that I have had a horrible day.  He slides a drink in my and and pulls me off of the stool and hugs me.  I could tell that he liked it. He lingers there for a moment, and I have already fallen into his shoulder with a few sobs.  Slowly he moves his hands down to the small of my back and tells me that I can talk to him.  We slightly separate from our hug to look at each other, and I take the step in that makes us as close as possible, and he lowers his hands to my butt and kisses me.  Nothing gross or too passionate, just a simple, but erotic kiss.

I feel like this man will always be a mystery.  I keep trying to go for guys that are my age, but they are all too shallow, too much into pot, too taken, or gay.  When you respond to this post, tell me if there is hope for him being attracted to me.  I'm a size 4. C-cups.  Dancer.  Outgoing as hell, but I only really talk to him if there is business to take care of or if he talks to me first...... which is more often than the rest of my professors...


Help a girl out


MsHoney MsHoney
18-21, F
1 Response Feb 15, 2010

I'm in the same boat as you dear, and I have no advice to offer. You put it perfectly by saying he'll always be a mystery because of that line that you both are too afraid to cross (until you do). Its such a sensitive situation but you know he's human and see his personality behind his profession. My love for a professor is maddening and border-line obsessive. But I can't seem to shake this idea off because he is so intellectual, witty, mature, and everything that I cannot find in someone my own age. The mystery keeps this crush snowballing...