No More

 

I should forget prof. ________ it is an impossible dream much like all of my dreams because I am not willing to let go or to give myself fully or something like that

 

I am not yet ready and there are many others who are

 

I read in glamour (one of those page fillers) that celebrity worship can up your happiness level so maybe this professor worship also upped my happiness level. I am afraid of losing my euphoria because for a long time he was the only reason I got up in the morning. I am not sure if this is true but it sure feels like it. I regained my faith in the world after I fell in love with him. I regained that sense that all is right in the world. That maybe the world is not so horrible after all. And the future is worth looking forward to. And I became motivated again to fight for a better future, to try to become a better person - someone who deserves to be with someone like him, someone he is going to find attractive. I wanted to become an engineer to be like him, to be with him. And now what? I’ve realized it is a lost cause. And yet I’m still hoping. And I recognize how pathetic it is to be so madly head over heels in love with someone who doesn’t even think anything of you; to feel this way about him and not even know his birthday and not even be able to talk to him. Not really wanting to get to know him because I am afraid my perfect image of him is not what he really is after all.

 

I hate myself for buying into clichés and stereotypes. Everyone is in love with him. He charms everyone into falling madly head over heels in love with him.

 

I deleted all his messages from my phone. I deleted his number from my phone. I want to be free of my dementia. I want to be a normal student, a normal person who studies because studies are important and it is my responsibility. I don’t want to be this unstable person whose happiness depends on whether or not I see him and whether or not he smiles at me. I am in control of my own happiness. My success and failures are mine to determine. He was just phase I had to go through.

holdennolan holdennolan
18-21
1 Response Feb 26, 2010

I'm not yet at this level, but I hope to be someday soon. I still can't get over my professor...