Lonely Girl

I'm 16 and i started cutting my wrists after my big sister died in November last year. I find it really difficult to cope without her. She was my best friend. I miss her every day, and whenever i hear her name being called, if im on the bus, at the park, at school my eyes still well up with tears every time. I feel so lonely without her! We used to share everything, and now i feel like i have nobody left to talk to... My friends say they understand, but I know they couldn't really even begin to! My mum doesn't like to talk about her because it makes her too sad, and my dad is fighting in Afghanistan, so a rarely see him.
A short while after that i developed anxiety dissorder and depression and couldn't leave my house for about two months. I stopped eating but i have had councelling for that since then. i was a county gymnast, and did ballet, but when my weight got too low, I was forced to stop. My boyfriend who i had been with for two years left me because he said he couldn't cope with seeing me hurt my self so much. And now my life is such a mess! I am 6 stone 5 and cutting like mad almost every night. I don't want to do it, but sometimes when i feel really down it just helps so much. And sometimes I feel so numb that I do it to simply make sure I can still feel anything at all...
I just need somebody to talk to, anybody who can relate to me in any way, thanks x
CrimsonAngell CrimsonAngell
18-21, F
1 Response Dec 10, 2012

I've had depression most my life, and I have had my own set of cutting experiences.

What you're feeling, the sadness, the lack of appetite, the depression and wanting to self-mutilate are, believe it or not, normal. You just lost your sister. That's a HUGE blow. That's something that will never be fixed, will never simply fade into the recesses of time. The grief one experiences at the loss of a family member can break a person. What you need is to mourn. Don't let anyone tell you how much or little time is acceptable, find ways to mourn your sister, to celebrate what you had, and to let the emotions have meaning. Scream. Cry. Wear black, if you feel like it. Wear something in remembrance. When I lost someone, I wove a simple friendship bracelet and wore it until it fell off, which was my personal signal that mourning was over. Not because the bracelet fell off, but because I had had enough time that I *didn't notice* when it fell off and was not devastated by it.

As for the cutting, what cutting does (whether it's your intention or not) is cause your body to release endorphins. Endorphins are your body's natural reaction to getting injured--you know, how a twisted ankle will feel worse the next day? That's because your endorphins have slacked off, because your body is now in the phase of healing, not trying to make sure you can get away from whatever injured you.

Which is why the endorphins were released in the first place. Endorphin literally means "morphine from within" -- your body has just made and given you morphine, so you can deal with the pain of the injury and whatever immediate threat there is. Cutting makes your body release a good amount of endorphins for relatively little physical damage, and can actually be somewhat addictive. I've felt it, and fought it, and lost no few battles. I haven't cut in years, though, so that should be some hope.

The best advice I can give for that part is get back into dancing and doing gymnastics, or any physical activity, at least on a recreational level. Exercise also produces endorphins, so that will help with that side of things, and also helps even out depression. I know you don't feel like it, or you won't a lot of the time, but just go ahead and do it. You *will* feel at least a little better afterward.

I hope my long post has been of some help, and I hope you find some peace. The last piece of advice I can give is to find a grief counselling group in your area. Or just grief counselling. The anorexia seems (to my untrained but experienced eye) to be a symptom, not a disease in and of itself. Find your way through the dark forest of depression and the lonely plains of grief, and the anorexia will become less of an issue. You will find your strength, and you will find it greater than these problems. I wish you a good journey.

~Lady Metal

thankyou, your support means a lot to me, and i know i will be okay eventually and i hope you will be too. stay strong