Can't Seem To Let Go...

I am spinning, constantly. My heart holds so much pain, guilt, and anger i cann hardly explain. I want so badly to let it all go, i want to be a better, happier person. Yet my past holds me back, it makes me hate and push away the people closest to me. It started when my best friend, my brother died. I was there, i held him he last few moments. Being i was eight my brain couldn't understand what was going, i knew he was gone, but it didn't really hit me untill the funeral that i'd never get to hold, see, or hear him again. Not even a year after that my father started to molest me and my sister, which turned into rape. He threatened my life, and almost killed me on one occasion. One night on one of his horrific outbursts, i told my sister everything. Two days later, he was arrested on domestic violence, and attempted murder charges. He was then investigated, and also charged with second degree rape and constant rape of a child. After being interviewed, and examed they sat my mom down and told her that he in fact do everything he was charged with. So, that being told i lost six years of my life. Now being fourteen, i started with the drugs, drinking, and acting like a fool. I didn't care about anyone or anything, and i made that perfectly clear. My mom took me to the doctor, and theropist. Neither of them worked, it was really something i had to grow out of. All the way up untill now, almost eighteen, i did drugs and drank massive amounts of alcohol. I'm sober now, but deal with blinding anger. It gets so bad over the littlest things. I've been reading alot, dave plezer is my all time fav author. I've learned alot from him. I can't seem to get my anger under control. Only one person puts up with it and still stands beside me, my wonderful boyfriend. I can't seem to get by without him, i don't wanna be dependent but he is literally thee one person who calms me down and tells me what i'm getting mad about isn't that big of a deal. Hes got anger problems too, we both need to learn to deal with life and how its come to us. Why can't i just let it all go? It weighs very heavy on my heart, and i feel like i need my brother now more then ever. I haven't been a perfect person but i will do what i have to, to start anew. I'm scared. :(
binkyyyy binkyyyy
18-21, F
2 Responses Aug 28, 2010

Take it day by day, time is healing - youve been through a lot and you need to come to terms with it fully before you can move on. You sharing your story is a good way to release your mind from all those thoughts. I really hope things work out for you. all the best x

I wish u well.