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Eggshells

i am scared to start this. i am stuck in a "hush hush" family secret. and i am not allowed to speak about it. nobody to vent to, i dont ever want to see a therapist because i dont want to be seen as someone broken and weak. i am stuck in a house that pretends that nothings wrong. my brother sexually abused my sister and everyday it haunts us all, but nobody speaks a word. its brushed under the rug but you can still see the bulge. i want to escape and just be done with it. but its always there. i feel incredibly guilty talking with him, because i could never let my sister know. and i hate that he did that to her, i am absolutely digusted. but how can i just forget about him?
i could move out of my home and stop walking on eggshells but with a dead end job at minimum wage how am i going to afford to live. i am sick of painting on a smile in the morning and then by the time night falls i am completely exhausted from faking the smiles and half hearted laughs that i just breakdown and cry. 
i want a new life away from all this pain and bad memories. i want to forget, forgive and move on.



(i am writing this part a little over a year later, and its sad that i have to, but i am sick of all the nasty messages people have been leaving on here)

i am a person simply looking for an outlet for my own pain...in no way shape or form am i selfish for doing so. so i would really appreciate it if people would take that into consideration while reading this and posting cruel cold comments and leaving me equally as horrible messages in my inbox...

when i wrote this my brother was already kicked out of the house, but do any of you know what is like to go on living and acting like a "normal" family afterwards? it killed me living there to pretend that everything was normal and everything was just okay...i tried so many times to reach out to my mother and just talk about everything...i never wanted any details but i just wanted to know that i had someone within the family that i could talk to and have some sort of compassion within, instead of just forgetting everything....so instead i came to this site by accident...and at the time it was a life saver, i found people who helped me just talk about my dealings with this...

i am 24 and the oldest child and felt almost stuck in the middle, call it ****** up or whatever you like but he is still my brother and yes i absolutely am disgusted by even the thought of what happened and i rarely talk to him. i am here for my sister. through and through...i keep the relationships with the two of them completely seperate...but until you have gone through everything i have gone through...please dont judge me...i am doing the best i can possibly do in this hand i have been dealt.


and my sister is doing okay, somedays are better then others, shes been in several different hospitals and facilitys to deal with this...she would come home and something would trigger her and her deppression would act up and get the best of her and she would be sent back...she has been gone this time since may 2011 and i miss her everyday especially when the holidays come around. shes about an hour away and i dont have the transportation to go to see her as much as i would like. my parents do everything they can possibly do to help her. no they never called the cops on their son. like i said...do not judge me or my family. until you yourself have been in my same exact situation.

everydays a struggle, but i am in the process of finding a therapist at the moment, i realized that moving out never really solved anything i had inside, my fiance is a constant rock in my life, and i thank god everyday that i have such an open hearted compassionate man in my life...

i hope this stops at least stops some of the hate ive been recieving, i am only human doing the best i can. thank you.
chenadoll19 chenadoll19 22-25 183 Responses Nov 11, 2010

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sometimes you just have to decide what you want and then do it! I said goodbye to my whole family 10 years ago because they are bad people. it was the best decision I have ever made. so what if you make little money. find roommates! some parts are going to be really hard and are going to suck but when the bad parts of living at home outweigh the good, you know what you have to do. a brother that could do that to his sister does not deserve either of you in his life. I don't know the details but I really hope she is not still under the same roof as him because she cannot ever heal like that. good luck and be brave!!

We all would want to be able to peel off layers. To see if we could find something we could live with. That we could call our own. Family secrets are just stories that scare children at night. You all have a choice to make it stop to not remember to not talk about it. But remember one thing what is in the past you cannot change what is in the future can be changed What is in the future is the key to all our troubles. We all can change the future but the past can never be changed. So focus on the future and let the past be the past what is happening cannot harm you or hurt you or change you for it is already set in granite. Tell you see you are your own person or your gate keeper you hold the chains and you hold the key. Only you can for yourself so free yourself and only think of the future change things if you choose to or do you live your life in hell and remember you choose that only you choose that And therapist are very waste of time you have the answers and the questions and you can only answer them and only can be the one to fix them. So look with inside yourself find the answers live with what the answers are in the forward and stop living in the past.

I too, live in a family that is fractured beyond repair. The damage the abuse does destroys ANY semblance of family life. Even those who were not part of the abuse are tainted by it.

We can never get together as a family because the guilt and the memories prevent us from doing so. We abused are forever broken and so we learn to compartmentalise it.

I did not abuse my children and nothing enrages me more than dealing with kids that are. Even though I protected my kids from the horrors of my childhood I hadn't noticed that I was carrying the emotional scars and in that way they were affected by it.

Getting therapy would be good but it won't take everything away. You must not, however, allow the damage done to your family to taint yours, your own family's or your marriage/ partnership.

What people who have never been abused fail to realise is this... The abuser is usually someone you're supposed to love; a close family member and having them arrested, taken to court etc.etc only perpetuates the abuse. Everyone knows and once you become public property (and you always do), you get the sneers, whispers and mix of judgement and pity. As I said, it perpetuates the abuse by now instead of it being just one it is hundreds.

Get on with your life and if you can work in a field that can make a difference it helps to protect others.

It must have been horrible having to live with this swept under the rug. You have to be admired for just being there for your sister. God bless you

god help you and dont give up you will find away to get up and go to find your way you are agood or you have agood thing inside you iknow that but if you dont mind we will talk
and iwill give you some advice to have good start thank you.raed from jordan

Okay, I havent bothered reading the comments (whether good or bad below) for one reason, I can talk from experience (from your sisters position) about the same kind of situation and I hope I can help you just a little bit. I am the abused sister and the one who struggles to understand why one of the people who were supposed to protect me, would be the one to hurt me... I told my other brother and best friend about it at the time - they both told me to try and forget it happened, so - i stayed in the same house, tried living life as normal and pretending nothing was wrong - most the time i got drunk with friends to try and forget... a year or so later after id eventually moved out following my brother hitting me, i told a boyfriend about the abuse and he persuaded me to tell my mum - i plucked up the courage and cried on the phone as I told her - she refused to believe me unless I called the police to 'prove it'... I wasnt going to do that, for one how could I prove it and for two he was still my brother. For the next 10 yrs I didnt speak to my brother and tried to visit my mum as normal, I avoided family parties and christmas' as I knew he'd be there - my mum often made me feel guilty about her not having her children in the same room together and even insisted we both be there for her 50th birthday meal - it didnt once cross her mind that she'd just guilt-tripped me into sitting opposite my abuser. 3 Years ago it all came to a head, my mum kicked off because she was starting what was to be a very successful business and wanted all her kids working for her - i told her i couldnt do it, and things got nasty. I walked out of her house telling her that was it, I couldnt take anymore and havent been back since. I still see my other brother once in a while and it kills me that this has torn my family apart - especially as my mum keeps it a massive dirty secret from the rest of the family and so i look like ive just walked away from everyone. I dont blame my other brother for not taking sides but sometimes I wish he would hug me and tell me he believes me and everything will be alright... so if I can give you any advice it would be that, give her a hug, tell her that although you cant change anything you are there for her and you love her, visit her often and help her feel safe again, she wont want to talk about it really but sometimes just the support and understanding of knowing your there if she needs you can go along way x

I hope the good outweighed the bad in the support that you have gotten through this forum. I can empathize with you not because it happened in my life but I understand how communication or the lack of it can leave you still with the bad feelings that never were addressed. Your family should have talked about this to heal but the decision was to not talk about it in hopes it would be forgotten. Most people feel that peoples perception of them is more valuable than how they see themselves. It's a problem that hurts so many people because they strive for "Perfection" or as close as they can to it. The reality is every family has some sort of dysfunction and it's normal. Some people think that the "Smiths" all act like this and anything outside of that is unacceptable. Society has placed that thought in peoples minds but it is so far from the truth. We are all individuals and once we start thinking, we develop our own thoughts and become whatever our minds lead us to be. Your brother did what he did and it wasn't because of who your family is, it was because of who he is. If nothing else they should have gotten him help before it happened again and to someone else. That could protect the family as well because it shows that you guys don't condone what happened. I pray you have started healing but I want you to realize that through this situation you too have become more of an individual and that you are from that family but you don't have to be silent. You can be you and if they don't support you then don't be surprised because they have never done anything about anything so your healing while they are stuck in their pain.

There is absolutely nothing weak or broken about feeling stressed and alone following such an incident. It is unfortunate that your family can not speak on the matter, but you must get it out of your system. Yes, love your brother and sister as you had and do keep the relationships separated, but for the love of who you are DO NOT keep that on your heart. It can only hurt you if you keep it bottled up... bless.

I am sorry for what happened to your sister and I'm glad that you found a rock in your life, cause everyone needs someone to be there for them. I noticed that you wanted to talk to someone and was wondering if you've considered telling your sister what happened. I only suggest this because this might help her in her healing process. Cause she may feel the same as you when it comes to that. I have 2 sisters of my own and I don't believe that any topic is off limits when it comes to them. We are each others closest and oldest friends.

Why would anyone talk crap to you about this story! This is rather sad, and a diffuclt story, and I understand, you have my full support. <br />
<br />
And when your sister is depressed, try not to send her off too much, she needs her family to be there most of the time.

you are a very strong person dont worry about other people. your in a pickle as blood is thiker than water u brother is a real dog u just have to be there for u sister and stuff other people

i was 7 when my family decided i should start a summer routine of going on the road with my older cousin in his semi for 7 years when every other kid was so happy to have the last day of school come and get on with thier summer i was just dieing inside with evry tick of the clock the hell of it is im 25 now and i still have to deal with the man you see my father and his father are twins and his father my uncle is sickly and to know his sun is a sick twisted mmmmmmmm.. man would kill him and it would break up the family so i go on business as usual i even have dinner with this pig but the day when my unlce passes and his wife has passed to of course no holds bar its is muther nuckin on

22 pages of comments that I won't read and my say does not matter that much but I support you. <br />
People don't know how things go in real life.

Just wanted to say to any and all who have suffered sexual abuse or know/are related to a sexual abuse victim, there is a book I highly recommend. “Miss America by Day” – author is Marilyn Van derbur. She was Miss America 1958. Her wealthy father was a pillar of the community. He sexually abused her from the time she was 5 until she was 18, and also at least one of her sisters. Now Marilyn is a speaker and advocate for victims. The book can be ordered or it’s available from libraries.

Have you ever thought about maybe moving out with your sister?<br />
I understand you wouldnt really be free from it all, but maybe you wouldnt feel so guilty just leaving? <br />
does she want out as bad as you?

I'm really sorry for everything that happened. And you don't have to apologize for writing about it here. We're here if you need to tell somebody. I hope everything will work out in the best way possible. Take care!

Dear Friend,<br />
<br />
I am actually a pastor; I am new to this site. I have had similar experiences. I was raped and fondled by a brother and father different foster homes. No one ever called the cops in my case either. I know how this can affect a person.<br />
<br />
Please allow me to be in your circle of friends. We can discuss things through an email. I would like the opportunity to help you. I have twelve years experience as a pastoral counselor. I can give you references and credentials upon request. Just let me know if you are interested in me helping you. If not I do understand but I could possibly could get u in touch with a pastoral counselor in your area.

Wow I feel soooo sorry for you and your sis. I'm just disqusted with your bro. But you are right not to abandon him completely

i am so sorry that you are dealing with this and to hear that this has happened. I do however feel your pain my family lives in another state and I live in TN. my niece was molested over several years by her dad. When she finally decide to tell someone her mother (my sister) said she believes her but she has been with this man her entire life and she dont know how to live without him. so my 12 year old niece refuses to report to anyone because doesnt want to be the one responsible for breaking up her family if he goes to jail and her little sister does not believe it and keeps telling her not to take away her daddy! I want so bad to call the cops but then again I couldnt stand the thought of thme being in a foster home with strangers and there will still be no guarantee that she is safe. my entire family is acting like it didnt happen and my sister says it was a mistake and she needs to forgive him. I however would kill any man that ever touches my child and couldnt imagine ever seeing his face again unless it was in a coffin. My sister solution was for her and her husband to move in with a friend and now she is pregnant by him agian its disgusting. I could not believe that she is so screwed up in the head that she is ok having sex with a man and giving birth to his child knowing that he has put thos same hands on my daughter......... Maybe u can give me some advice idk but you and ur family is in my prayers and agian I am truly sorry. but he will pay for it one way or another just because ur family want to turn their heads and look away doesnt mean god is willing to do the same.

I wish I had something useful to say about this. I can only relate a little to what your sister and you might be feeling. I 've been sexually harassed by my mother's boy friend and when I finally had the courage to say something about it she did basically NOTHING ABOUT IT! On top of that I have basically no one else that would listen to me and I hate my therapist because she doesn't want to help she just wants to shove pills down my throat.

People, you need to talk about this. FORCE the issue with those involved. My sister went through a traumatic event in her life teenaged life, one she did not choose - our parents chose for her. She was not allowed to discuss it. And never did. Some 35 years later, after our parents died, it hit her like a ton of bricks. A wall of concrete. And if my parents had it to do over, I am certain they would have at least allowed her to talk to them about it, but hindsight and all.... And they are no longer here to help.<br />
<br />
COMMUNICATION. It is essential for relationships, yes. Remember that you have a relationship with yourself, and you have to protect and keep that relationship as top most in your mind. The saying comes to mind "if you can't love yourself, how can you possibly love someone else"?<br />
<br />
If your family won't talk, talk anyway. What can (reasonable) parents do?? Put their hands over their ears? Believe me, they do not want what my sister has endured to happen to you. Or to the other siblings, as we have all had to make our peace with what went down so many years ago. <br />
<br />
We are all only human. OP, your brother is human. We all have faults, and what he did is one of his, or a symptom of one of his. But holding stuff in - it is not good for anyone, anytime, anywhere. (Now you all know what I mean - I'm not talking about holding in an opinion that might be hurtful and will not help you to be "better"). It breeds resentment, anger, confusion, insecurity... I could go on and on.<br />
<br />
I understand why my parents asked my sister never to mention this to anyone, and never to speak of it again. But that was nearly 40 years ago, early 70's. LOTS has changed since then re: knowledge of mental health, ability to see therapists without being labeled, etc. Lots has happened with parenting - which has huge differences now than it did then. But why oh why do we still not realize that communication is so key to being healthy???<br />
<br />
Good luck.

I know nothing of this subject, but I am sorry you are in this horrible situation. I cannot imagine what you're going through.You will be in my prayers. I hope you can leave all this behind you soon. If you ever need a friendly ear just send me a message.

it's really something tragic I advice you to find a good therapist guys really I want to Thank all of you for this great posts and support god bless you

I think it's ****** up of people to have written mean comments. Sounds to me like your doing all you can. No one knows how they would handle any situation until they're in it, and that's a Hell-of-a situation to handle. <br />
<br />
I'm not one for forgiving intention, but I understand keeping a realationship of some sort with your brother, difficult as it may be. He is your brother and it would be crazy if you were able to pretend he no longer existed, even though it may disgust you to speak with him. Your parents have to be torn more than anyone. Surely they love all their children and would do anything to protect them from harm, but when the harm is one of your own children.... sad. I can't imagine their pain. You probably feel like them, but at least you aren't responsible for creating the "monster" your sister fears. <br />
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Be strong and I wish you the best.

that sounds a little like me only i was the victum not my sister and it was my step brother... i'm sorry that happend:(

I'm sorry. I really am. This happened to my friend... kind of. Her friend like best friend taped her. She didn't do anything and neither ur sister I can imagine. I guess its the set up of the minds of the people who do this. That make them do it.. I truely am sorry.

I can relate to your situation, with one slight difference: instead of being a sibling to the victim, I WAS the victim, and my abuser was another foster kid living in the same house as where I was, and I went over 18 months before I felt safe enough and confident enough to blow the whistle on his sorry ***... I can tell you, it's not easy living with those kinds of memories. In my case, the foster care providers providing food, clothing and shelter to me (they were NEVER parents to me, in case my choice of words hasn't made that clear enough) did little, if anything to help me get over my feelings. But I moved on from it on my own. But it sounds as if your sister is surrounded by many people who truly love her and respect her for who she is, and are there for her whenever she needs them. All I can say to you is don't let her forget that you still love her, and that you will be there for her, NO MATTER WHAT. That sometimes boosts our morale moreso than any pill or any head-doctor ever could.

It is okay. I am glad you have an outlet. You cannot let this fester inside you. I am so sorry you are going through this. I am in a similar situation with my brother being someone that was abused by a member of my extended family. It has destroyed my Mom and her side of the family. I know what it is like to have to paint on a smile and pretend. It is so not how anyone should live. I hope to god your brother gets help, you sister recovers emotionally and your family to get on the road of recovery. Know you are not alone.

Dear Chenadoll 19,<br />
Please remember that holding on to shameful secrets will make you sick. Only in truth and the light of day will the secret lose it's power and hold over you and others. Perhaps maybe you think you have too much to lose if you spill the beans, perhaps you may lose your place to stay if you do share the truth. What about saving just 20 dollars or so a week and call it your "freedom fund?" Also, I have found that sometimes we just can not possibly get the (healthy) relationship that we need from our folks. They simply are not capable (for whatever the reason) of doing so. I know, I chased my Mom around for years (even after she gave me up for adoption and had another child) only to find, that for my own sanity, I had to let the relationship go. She ended up committing suicide, but because I let her vanish from my life years earlier, my children were not affected by her toxic life. I in no way have a normal life now, I isolate from others, work too hard and am bullied by my bosses, and find it hard to connect with other women. Probably because of my failed relationship with my Mom and the lack of healthy life skills that I need to successfully interact with others. I do know that if I'm quiet and keep my feelings to myself at home, I am left alone, but if I share my feelings or stand up for myself, my son verbally abuses me. I am finally now able to reach out for therapy and learn to receive the tools that I need to be a happy well rounded adult. Also, I have chosen a career and educational path that will keep me occupied for the next 8 years (I'm currently 48) with studying and learning in my new career path. But at the end of my journey, even with the amount of student debt I will have, I will be afforded to live the financial life I never before thought I might achieve. I hope you find your way out of your unhappy surroundings, I really do. But for me, it has been a long, hard journey. One that I'm still working on that I hope will lead to joy and happiness. I wish that for all of us, each and every one. :)

This may show up twice because did it, but don't see it showing up. I do want to say that would never judge you, or your family. As a person who also suffers depresion I would like to share what works for me. When I find myself in similar situations I allow myself to feel the pain. Y ou do not want to hang on to it for a long time, but you do need to feel it. After you feel it you want to process it. Ask yourself what is it that is making me feel this way. Is it that my values have been broken, and or you have fear that he could have hurt her, or even you. After processing, then I ask God to take this pain away. Your not asking him to change what happened, but to take away the pain you are feeling. This is a process I have used many time, and has worked quite well. God bless you and ALL of your family.

I would never think of judging you, or your family. As a person who also suffers from depression I would like to pass on what works best for me. When I get in a similar situaiton, I allow myself to feel the pain. You don't want to hang on to it for a long time, just feel the pain, proess the pain (look at it and try to figure out what is making you feel such pain), and then ask God to remove that pain. Your not asking him to change what happened, it's just that he is better equiped than we are for dealing with it. That has helped me in the past and I know he will do it for you as well.<br />
<br />
God bless you, and all of your family

I would never think of judging you, or your family. As a person who also suffers from depression I would like to pass on what works best for me. When I get in a similar situaiton, I allow myself to feel the pain. You don't want to hang on to it for a long time, just feel the pain, proess the pain (look at it and try to figure out what is making you feel such pain), and then ask God to remove that pain. Your not asking him to change what happened, it's just that he is better equiped than we are for dealing with it. That has helped me in the past and I know he will do it for you as well.<br />
<br />
God bless you, and all of your family

I'm sorry for the pain that this has caused you but if you allow this man to continue to run free then you are equaly guilty. You don't have to like this .but it is what it is. You may as well have been in the room. Violence against women is so pathetic and easy for an abusive man. What if it was you being molested would you feel the same way. Call the police and turn this rapeist/ child molester in.

Why is all this **** advertising on this story? I have flagged it and hope someone in Ep has the decency to remove it all.

I have the same situation... My younger brother is sick in the head and molested my two youngest brothers. He needs help but my family doesn't do anything about it. I am a very strong person and this might seem a little bitchy to say but I have been in your situation and I feel like you may need some consueling if that still bothers you. I am extremely strong and I understand that my brother is sick and to him it isn't wrong to do. My brother has tried to touch me before and I wad strong and got away from him and told my parents. You couldn't have changed anything. Stop worrying about the past. You seem like your trying to get attention by sharing that story. You do need to vent to a therapist and not online. People online can be jerks and crazy too. I highly suggest you see a counselor.

emeral yes,ur a very strong young woman ...i honor it with pride, being a woman of strength too, it will help u in ur journey in life

I dont even pretend to know wot your going through but you are not in anyway weak or broken, it sounds to me that you have a strong but quiet determination and you want to try and protect everyone elses thoughts and feelings,but there has to be a cut off point where you say ok thats enough what about my feelings i hope these words can be of some solace take care and be strong m

I'm so sorry this happened to you...

Hi after reading your story and all comments.I think you will know when its right to stop your brother before he does it to someone else I do not know the full story but I do not think that this is a one off I believe he is sick and needs help as much as you a close member of my family has been brave enough to confide in her mentor that the beast as I call him has been doing this to family members for decades and works with vunerable children and adults we are waiting for this to come to court and he cannot do this to anyone else. yours hungertolearn

well... I grew up in a house with secrets that no one talked about so I understanding where you are coming from. for example I told my mother about my grandfather on my fathers side and who was coming for a visit and she told me to tell my father which she knew I couldn't do so nothing was ever done, I just avoided him and maybe he thought I was too old to play games on. <br />
<br />
My older half sister alluded to my dad having done something and my younger sister eventually said the same about my older brother. He was killed on a motor cycle so couldn't defend himself.<br />
<br />
after my brother was killed (the first of three brothers and a sister I've lost} it became a taboo to mention his name around my dad because it was so painful for him... I went many years without hearing his name until my dad had to drive me to work a couple of weeks for some reason? on the way there I would prattle on and occasionally mention my brother and some of the things we did as kids. he never said much but at least he listened and did know my brother through another s eye's and I felt like I had done something for myself too.<br />
<br />
that being said... you and I and anyone reading this are a product of a very long line of survivors. Our ancestors went through trials we can only imagine so that we can be here today. There were some who had to scratch and claw just to make an existence. There were some who went through rape, torture, pain and suffering beyond knowing and survived so that we could be here today, and.... there are some who fell by the wayside because they couldn't survive.<br />
<br />
today for the most part we have comfort and ease our ancestors couldn't begin to imagine. <br />
but still we have not progressed past the point where whatever it is? genetics? emotions? that there are some who just cannot survive their lives. There are events or maybe even just one event in their life they cant get around. I know because I struggle myself, sometimes tooth and nail lol. but I have a fairly good dose of "I can make it" from my parents and I'm still here leading a fairly functional life.<br />
<br />
I hope your sister recovers herself... a sister is a good thing to have and so is a brother. I would give a lot to have any of mine back.

my brother sexually harassing me and i feel that i cant talk about this subject with any one what should i do i feel disgusting although i try to escape all the time im so scared and some time i want to kill him

I really admire you... You are facing such a situation strongly... I don't know..... You rock.... Be strong for your sister and ignore others words.... People talk **** about us all the time no matter what.... I am sure things will get alright soon enough... <br />
If you ever need a person to vent, I am a fairly good listener.... Take care sweety....

Hey, Chenadoll19,<br />
I know how it can be with such heavy weights on one's shoulders. Though I do not have an account of sexual abuse, I have lived an equally melancholy life. Depression bites. I've always been one of those super- independent people who never ask for help, but in my last breakdown, I realized that I do need help. I used to think the same way-- asking for help means that I am weak. On the contrary, we are both wrong. You're a stronger person for having the epiphany that told you that you need to get over it and be the best sibling you can. Also, I personally believe that you should cut your brother out of the picture; he's hurt your family so much, he's not worth having in your lives. You and your family are worth more than that. Hopefully, you and your family, in unison, can come to terms with this ordeal. As you stated, that "bulge" is still there: it's still giving your family incredible hardship, as can be witnessed by the state your sister is in. <br />
<br />
I wish you the very best brightest future, Chenadoll19. :)

I hear what your saying this situation is horrible and you have done nothing but your best to cope for all concerned, All you are asking for is some empathy. In families like yours the atmosphere can be cut with a knife and it is hard to discuss smaller matters. Things are precariously balanced and there is fear if you open your mouth the whole family will erupt, implode or divide. You want the best for everyone obviously. I hope there is a way you can visit your sister more whilst she is in that facility because it will show how much you love her, Write to her as much as you can that will be healing too. Perhaps you could subtly mention to mum you are going for therapy over what happened or put it in a note, leave it at that and if she asks hopefully you can tell her it's going well and that might open up a dialogue and introduce her into therapy too. I am sorry you have gone through judgment and criticism. I think you are doing incredibly well all things considered. Love and hope to you

i understand more then most what this kind of thing can do to a family. as i am in the same boat as your sister. i was molested by one of my older brothers when i was 5. my parents never called the police or anyone to help. i have never gotten therapy or any type of professional help. i am 16 now. i still live with both of my brothers. i grew up and at the age of 15 was molested again by my great uncle. i still have yet to get help. depression has kicked in, and all that is left for me to do is cut myself and hope that my pain on the inside will bleed out to the outside. literally. people need to learn to have more compassion for those of us who don't have PERFECT lives.

Find your own outlet to let it out, don't care about what people think of you and just do whatever it is you have to do to be happy. This isn't a way to live, do what you must.

I think you're on the right track. You're doing really great and you're absolutely right, NO ONE has the right to judge you on this matter. None of these people even know you or your family so they have no clue what's going on and sometimes things are a hell of a lot more complicated than they seem. Good luck to you on your road to personal understanding and hopefully the road to some sort of recovery for your family. :) It seems like you are introspective enough to find your way.

Your therapist's job is to help you improve the quality of your life, not to judge you. This being such a delicate but tense and horrid situation, you may want someone to hear you out and help you along. It won't show that you're weak. It'll be you taking steps to make your situation better. Good luck honey :(

I can relate quite well, when i was 5, my uncle molested me, and my family has kept it under the "rug". I have ben raiesd to except it, and no one has ever brought it up. iv told my mom, and all she has done was say that i must be mistaking him with somone els. its hard knowing the truth and evryone telling you your lieing. if you ever need anyone to talk about it, or anything, im always open to conversation. i know im only 16-17, but wisdom doesn't come with age, but with experiences.

HUGS, im sorry you have to go through such a horrible thing in life,nobody deserves to have this happen to their family. I hope youre brother can find the help he needs,along with you and your sister finding peace and moving on as best as you can-much love

I'm so sorry. You can always message me.

Hey, keep up your spirit, time is a great healer.<br />
I was abused as a child, but I have a loving wonderful family for over 22yrs now.<br />
It is not true that all abused go on to abuse, most people dont even believe me when I tell them, because of the way I appear to them. They see me as strong, confident, supportive and a solid reliable person. They are correct, but it didnt change the mountains I climbed to get there ! <br />
I was also subjected to systematic abuse whilst in the care of the local authorities for my own protection !! I witnessed staff abusing my peers and teenagers abusing younger children. We were called trouble makers if we tried to report it and we were picked on. <br />
Stay strong and focus on the positive things in your life, or create some positive things in your life. I turned to music & became a musician & transformed my outlook on the world, which used to be very bleak. You are not responsible for what happened in any way shape or form.

wait till u get to my level of depression... then it wont matter anymore!! ._.

While going to a therapist sounds scary, it can actually help you. Therapists don't judge you, they listen and kind of help your thoughts.The only thing is you have to find a good therapist. A good therapist is very patient and will not judge you. I've been going to therapy for a few months now because of my depression, and I love it. Don't be afraid to be vulnerable because someone out there does understand. So, maybe I haven't been through what you've been through but I can easily see how that could make someone so mixed up and afraid. Most likely you won't forget, but you can heal.

the first thing u need to do sweetheart is to forgive your brother openly in front of the family then tell him he has to ownup,fessup and face the laws or he is likely to do it again ,,if he dont tell them u will !,,or it will eat at u for the rest of your life,, i know i have been there too,, once you done that he will be able to make repairs in life to his best abilities if he willin like,, and remember this is not your doing or fault ,,,,<br />
first steps are the hardest <br />
hugs to u xx

I can definately relate to this story from your sisters point of veiw. I was the youngest and he was the oldest half brother. I never once blamed or resented my <br />
2 other brothers for what he did. But honestly All ive ever wanted was to see him pay for what he did to me. Hell just to see him beaten to a pulp would make me feel better, that and to never see him again. Sorry but to me being molested by a blood relative is unforgivable. I will never forgive my brother for what he did to me! But my other brothers had nothing to do with it so Theres nothing to forgive!! . I think your a good brother for keeping your relationships with the 2 separate. We dont get to choose our family but we shouldnt have endur their wrath if that makes sense.

u need to go in to ur acount anf get rid of the spam , iv flaged them

I'm sorry that people have been so unkind about your situation. Like you said, no one can judge b/c they haven't been in your shoes. I'm thinking of you & your loved ones. I'm not sure how to work through what you all have been through but take it one day at a time <3

Thank you for writing this from your heart, just as it is. I could have written this story. I totally understand and empathise with your situation. Unfortunately, even when the issue is out in the open, the sick family dynamics continue. I am glad that you are engaged. I strongly advise you to have pre marriage counselling. And I most sincerely hope you get to be out of the family home and living independently asap. But, they are still your family. You don't stop loving them and belonging to them just because there are some pathological behaviours there. You sound like you are doing an awesome job, by the way.

I can feel you,just show ur sister lot of lov

I keep things simple. Its not your fault at all. Its the people who made those choices who are to blame, not the people who try to roll with the punches. Try to give forgiveness but dont forget what happened. Living with hate in ur heart is a bad way to live, no 1 who hates is ever truely happy bcuz they r constantly aggravated by what they hate.. Just do your part to make the world a better place as best ya can

Same thing happened in my family. My sister and I told my mom what our step-father did. My mom and dad left and went for "a drive" leaving my siblings and I home freakin' out. Then they camne backhome later than nght and nothing was ever said about it again. He stayed in our lives and went around pretending everything was fine. My mom had not been married to my step-father but maybe a month or two - when I got in trouble with him. I was just nine years old and he told me to take all of my clothes and go ouitside (we lived out in the country). .He came out and beat me mercilessly with a belt for what seemed like hours. I was terrified. I could hear my siblings screaming for me frominside the house. I kept looking at the door waiting for my momn to come save me. But she never came. That day still seems like it happened yesterday. How could a mother allow that **** to happen and not do anything? I would KILL a man who laid a hand on my little girl. Why wasn't I worth saving? This man was more important to her than my siister and I! No one knew the truth. I protected them and lied for them. Mom was a Sunday School teacher and dad was a prominent man in our town. Their reputation and image was and still is so important to them. So for years my siblings and I kept up the facade. I still have so much anger and rage at her. I know it's not good for me, but I haven't been able to let it go yet. But I'm making progress.<br />
<br />
So this yearafter years of eating disorders and addictions - with the help of my counselor I decided to finally break the silence that was crippling me emotionally. I confronted them with the molestation and the naked beating and the hundreds of other incidents. Instead of getting support from my mom when I told her how thae abuse had hurt me so much - she minimized and denied and defended HIM. She said, "Everyone gets and *** whipping once in awhile." When she said that, it was just like she punched me in the stomach. It was like I was lookin at that door waiting on her to rescue me and she STILL didn't come. She got mad at me and called me a liar and I basically told her I was done with her and was not going to let her hurt me any more. I'm 45! I am claiming my life back and I am going to give myserf that nurturing that I never received from them. It hurts to be apart from my family, but for the most part it was such a liberating decision. I don't hear about her gossip and hurtful crap. Out of sight out of mind. I have my wonderful kids, a great man and lots of friends. I don't need that toxic crap - family or not. <br />
<br />
Thanks for sharing your story

I can't believe anybody could be nasty to you. Stuff like this needs to be talked about so people don't feel alone.

I'm sorry

Beat the sh*t out your brother, take your sister and walk out the door! There are thousands of places in the world who will help you. Hundreds of ministries who would help you. Tell the sanest family member you have and let your sister stay there or both of you, Press chargers against your brother because he will do it again to someone else

i am sorry for ppl.. there rude and no 1 cares. i am looking for sober chat rooms and found ur page. i hate that ppl think its ok to say hurtful things.. no1 knows but u..im here for u an will pray for u and ur family...

Wow I can't believe people would judge you. It's NOT your fault, you didn't know, didn't assist in it, don't condone it and you are right, you are stuck in the middle. You are NOT the parent, you are not the one that was in charge and you should not have to pay for it. Sorry it happened and hope you all find peace soon.

I have read your story before, and commented, if Inexit wounded the site right their all but long gone. I wil say this, Find a third party NOT FAM NOT LAW NOT ALLGED FRIEND, work through what you need too. After your with piece of mind onbwhat is the right thing to do, take action. Weather its just dialog or epilogue of sharing, figure the safest way to heal your heart, then grow.

I am so sorry for all of you. Have mercy. I am so sorry you deal with this. Now my problems feel petty. Although it all affects us differently.

Unfortunately I can relate to your sister, my brother molested me when I was 8 and continued for a good while. I've suppressed these events so much that I can't remember my childhood moments around those times. My father knows but didn't do anything about it. No one else in my family knows so I feel trapped. My friends helped me get through depression and now I'm seeing a therapist.<br />
I understand how you feel though, I still talk to my brother as if nothing happened. I'm far too scared to confront the situation. I hate what my brother did to me, but he's still my brother. As crappy as it was to have happened, it did make me a better person.

If your brother has been kicked out of the house, that lump under the rug may not be too far under it as you might think. Talking about this is hard for everyone, mainly because they don't know how to voice it. Going to therapy is good and if you can get the whole family to talk to a therapist it would be even better.<br />
You talk of moving out and how difficult it is for you sister to come home. If you could find an apartment that you and your sister could share, near the hospitals and other facilities, that she gets help, it would be ideal. You might even find a job helping people there too. I found that in helping people, I end up helping myself too.<br />
You can hate what people do but don't have to hate the people. Unless your brother isn't owning up to what he did, that's one thing but if he is goin to meet him for coffee to talk, sending him letters won't hurt either one of you.<br />
Have you parents help you in this by telling them it would be easier for your sister and you if you moved out. Your parents may be relieved, by the way you don't even have to say what the problem is, they already know. I know it's hard to have to just get home and end up going right back to the hospital. I think this will help you a lot. Let me know what you think about this.

You can do it. It may be rough at first but you will be ok. You just have to make up your mind.

I know that the family fear to destroy lose its respect if it outline openly Continue talking about it in a p<br />
owerful manner of rejecting undesirable behavior.Call for prayers and your brother proberly

In many places there's affordable psych attention: universities tend to have practice centers for students where they offer counceling, and hey, they're not professionals yet, but if what you need is to talk maybe doing it with someone younger and fresher migh be good. <br />
<br />
best wishes.

your are sick that is it .life is a selfish game be more practical divide things into productive and unproductive. before thinking about anything see wether it is helpful for your growth or not if not dont think about it ,secondly learn empathy ,last there is nothing wrong in that because if the same thing has happened in other country you may not feel u r bounded with u r culture and society think out of the box .

While most would tell you it's not "weak" to see a therapist, I know that even an intellectual understanding of that fact in your pre-frontal cortex isn't going to be able to override the associative and emotional belief of that in your amygdala/limbic-system. So..... I say see the therapist in a different context; not as somebody who's broken down by it all, but as somebody who needs to vent their anger, and figure out what you'd like to say in a paraphrased "I'd like to [blank] that f****ng ***** for what he did!". Then as you get more comfortable with the whole process, you'll undoubtedly become okay with talking about your true feelings, but it'll still be YOUR choice if you want to talk about them at all. <br />
<br />
<br />
Weakness and strength are abstract concepts; nothing more than an arrangement of synaptic pathways. Don't think of yourself as *being* weak, think of the fact that you can train your brain and re-wire it to be as strong as you'd like. If you think you're weak now, that's just because you need to rearrange some plugs on the motherboard.

~HUGS~ and wow- be strong, even your speaking here with us will help you overcome. But I do recommend help- secrets break souls in the long run- an unattended wound.... it cracks after time. Atleast if healing begins there is a scar- which at least won't split on you.

YOU YOU YOU!!!! HOW YOU FEEL IS SUPPOSED TO BE IMPORTANT WHEN IT'S YOUR SISTER THAT WAS RAPED!! ALL OF YOU ARE A BUNCH OF SELFISH COWARDS!! HOW COULD YOU EVEN LET THE PERSON WHO RAPED YOUR SISTER STILL REMAIN IN THE SAME HOUSE! HOW COULD THE PARENTS AND WHY IN THE WORLD DID'T ANY OF YOU THINK ABOUT THE HURT AND SUFFERING OF YOUR SISTER AND CALL THE POLICE!!! SHE HAS TO SEE THAT MONSTER EVERY DAY TOO AND SHE IS HIS VICTIM!! IF THERE WAS A WAY THAT I COULD FIND OUT WHERE SHE LIVES I'D REPORT ALL OF THIS AND HELP HER!!!

how am i selfish? all you know is what i put...which is my views and my torment, i am not blind to what my sister went/is going through, and no she does not have to see him, i never once said that he still lived there, he was kicked out as soon as it was known, she is getting help she was sent to a hospital to help and cope with all of this, shes been away for years, the whole reason i wrote this was to get hope and support not to be told how selfish i am! i need help to cope with this as well! she has to deal with this yes, but so doesnt her whole family including me, so no i am not selfish in the least bit, you are close minded and cold to think i am, maybe i should post some rude and hurtful comments on your stories as well but i am not that person and never will be, i feel sorry for you.

simpleheart,, you poor dear,,,whos lookin after you ?/// both of you need serious help,,,and a genuine hug,,,,how do you both trust anyone?? i am in tears you poor babies,,, go and tell the world write that book together,,,,solve both your problems,,,or these people will and are probably still doing this,,,think about the current or next victims too,,these people dont stop untill they are caught<br />
with me it was work colleges above me wen i was an apprentice,,i waqs tolde to put up with or lose my job,,,eventually i told my dad ,,,once he knew the volcano went up ,,,he exposed them all and the count of their victims was horrendous,,,,but he didnt stop there he put paid to the abilities of one to do anthing again and got away with it ,,,,see,,,thats how it effects others it spreads like a disease and needs eradicated ,,,u will feel better in yourself knowing you stoppede it spreading my darlings trust me,,,i know,,,,,,,,,,,,,i still bear the scars but the pain has ceased just the memory that seems to linger ,,but knowing i helped put this down makes me feel so much better,,,,,,,,,with my love,,,,,,xxxx

This unspoken secret is not yous to hide from or be ashamed of. Years ago when I was a child I was pregnant wit my fathers baby. To hide the family"s shame my poor little baby was killed before having even the chance to kmow life while even inside of me. No one was ever charged with any crime. I was hidden away until I healed, at least they thought I had healed. Please dont hide shame that is not yours to hide. Speak up! It is our placed, the abused, to stand up for our futures and all the little ones who may someday be spared because someone spoke up.Please help the little children. God bles and I will say a prayer for you.

I wish that we could all give you strength (although you have a lot of your own) so that you take a few steps in the direction you want to go. Follow your gut and your heart - it is screaming at you.<br />
<br />
Please ask for help - it's as easy as you are doing now by telling us online, except that......this time, you can confide in someone "real". <br />
<br />
If you don't want to confide in a therapist, then don't. Do your own thing. Go speak to someone you love and appreciate. <br />
<br />
Do something, anything, to make yourself feel better and your small income may just........get bigger, because you are feeling better.<br />
<br />
Believe in yourself and a better future. Tell yourself great things. And that little seed will develop into............one mighty tree (and forget about the rug).

i know hw it feels cos i have been there.it happened to me .i try to 4get and pretend to too but its still there and i can look him in d eye unless we are arguing....and dats everytime i try to talk to him.he doesnt act lyk it but i feel it hanging btw us.

tell ur family u need to talk about it w someone

Then do it dude. If it don't feel right, it ain't. Move out, move on. If the guy's a ******* **** like that, tell him. What's going to happen? Ignoring ****'s easy. I do it all the time (it's called life in Oregon). But when I get into a situation where I don't feel right and nothing's changing for the better, no matter what I try, I move out and onward. That's the kind of thing that shouldn't go the way it is. Beat his ***, man, and let him know what's up. Or at least make your plans to move out, and when everything is set, do it, and then maybe send a letter or give him a piece of your mind before you leave. But take care of yourself.

I think a lot of us can compare to what you're going through, such as wanting to start all over, wanting to let the pain, and bad memories go away. But just like under any circumstances you have to stop and think things in a calming manner. I know it's hard, but you have to learn that a hot and frustrated head isn't worth anything. First of all you should get therapetic help, of course it's your choice but in all honesty it really does help you in terms of reflecting. Just because you're venting to someone who's qualified to hear you doesn't make you weak or disabled. It will make you stronger because you would be accepting help and you would be gaining trust. As for wanting to move out, you could always look for apartments that need roomates. You can look for it online, wether it be in a library computer or a friends, you could look in pennysaver, or newspapers. The thing is you can't let what's happened bring you down and crush you. You have to take from the experience and know that it will be something that has made your skin thicker (stronger). Have courage, and take steps forward. NOT BACK. Also know that your sister didn't deserve what happened to her, and that she also needs therapetic help. Unite with eachother and help eachother out. YOU CAN DO THIS :D

First off im very sorry you have to deal with that atrocity. Its never easy to know something so terrible that it ruins your life on a daily basis. The only thing that I can tell you is that you should try to be strong and better yourself,go to college or search for something that can help you get out on your own. The other advice would be to see a therapist or councilor and get it off your chest to them. Or you can just tell your whole family and bring it out in the open,expose it,the truth will always set you free. Talk to GOD and ask Him what you would do. He is always listening even if u dont think so and he will answer you,just believe it hun..and please be safe...

There is NOTHING wrong with seeing a counselor or therapist! You have a LOT to gain from it. I've been and lots of other people I know, too. Most people just don't talk about it. PLEASE say you'll go so you can begin healing and have a great life. If you don't go, there's a lot better choice other people will "know" you have problems if you continue to carry the weight around and deal with them on your own; the counselor will teach you how better to think about and deal with what happened AND how to have a positive approach to your life going forward. This problem/situation does NOT have to define who you are and you can be!

sometimes you just have to put No1 first, do it break away, it may not work out but on the other hand could be the best move you have ever made, thing is you wont ever know unless you try.

I see a therapist once a week and she has helped me through a lot of the abuse that I went through as a child. I would highly recommend researching one nearby that you might be comfortable talking to. I have a lot of trust issues, but I trust my therapist because of confidentiality agreements. It's a start. Maybe you should think about it. It is not worth being miserable for the rest of your life because you are worried about other's opinions of you. Taking the first step (talking about it) takes a lot of stregnth and courage. Good Luck!!

I can understand ... the price you are paying is the price of being good and wanting a good family. Dont know when but belive me one day you will speak - may be not to all but to few and feel better. May be the process has begun here where you can share and feel better. You dont have to carry the load alone. Share it with strangers - there is no fear of rejection when there are no known faces around.

ive been on the other end of the lies, i told my family and the police got involved but my mom told the police i told her i was lying and left me for him even though he broke down in front of her and the rest of the family crying and admitted it, now i dont speak to them any of my family, i tried for a while because she was dying and i was gtting married and she convinced me to let him walk me down the isle, but its torture to see someone you love pick the easy way over you i have nightmares and cry all the time because my family betrayed me just because it was easier im not trying to be mean just remember i bet shes hurting far more than you