Eggshells

well... I grew up in a house with secrets that no one talked about so I understanding where you are coming from. for example I told my mother about my grandfather on my fathers side and who was coming for a visit and she told me to tell my father which she knew I couldn't do so nothing was ever done, I just avoided him and maybe he thought I was too old to play games on.



My older half sister alluded to my dad having done something and my younger sister eventually said the same about my older brother. He was killed on a motor cycle so couldn't defend himself.



after my brother was killed (the first of three brothers and a sister I've lost} it became a taboo to mention his name around my dad because it was so painful for him... I went many years without hearing his name until my dad had to drive me to work a couple of weeks for some reason? on the way there I would prattle on and occasionally mention my brother and some of the things we did as kids. he never said much but at least he listened and did know my brother through another s eye's and I felt like I had done something for myself too.



that being said... you and I and anyone reading this are a product of a very long line of survivors. Our ancestors went through trials we can only imagine so that we can be here today. There were some who had to scratch and claw just to make an existence. There were some who went through rape, torture, pain and suffering beyond knowing and survived so that we could be here today, and.... there are some who fell by the wayside because they couldn't survive.



today for the most part we have comfort and ease our ancestors couldn't begin to imagine.

but still we have not progressed past the point where whatever it is? genetics? emotions? that there are some who just cannot survive their lives. There are events or maybe even just one event in their life they cant get around. I know because I struggle myself, sometimes tooth and nail lol. but I have a fairly good dose of "I can make it" from my parents and I'm still here leading a fairly functional life.



I hope your sister recovers herself... a sister is a good thing to have and so is a brother. I would give a lot to have any of mine back.

Hi after reading your story and all comments.I think you will know when its right to stop your brother before he does it to someone else I do not know the full story but I do not think that this is a one off I believe he is sick and needs help as much as you a close member of my family has been brave enough to confide in her mentor that the beast as I call him has been doing this to family members for decades and works with vunerable children and adults we are waiting for this to come to court and he cannot do this to anyone else. yours hungertolearn

I want you to get the book "toxic parents" from Susan Forward. Matter fact, order it right NOW. Please! I PROMISE it'll help you out in every direction. Good luck to you.

I'm so sorry this happened to you...

I dont even pretend to know wot your going through but you are not in anyway weak or broken, it sounds to me that you have a strong but quiet determination and you want to try and protect everyone elses thoughts and feelings,but there has to be a cut off point where you say ok thats enough what about my feelings i hope these words can be of some solace take care and be strong m

I have the same situation... My younger brother is sick in the head and molested my two youngest brothers. He needs help but my family doesn't do anything about it. I am a very strong person and this might seem a little bitchy to say but I have been in your situation and I feel like you may need some consueling if that still bothers you. I am extremely strong and I understand that my brother is sick and to him it isn't wrong to do. My brother has tried to touch me before and I wad strong and got away from him and told my parents. You couldn't have changed anything. Stop worrying about the past. You seem like your trying to get attention by sharing that story. You do need to vent to a therapist and not online. People online can be jerks and crazy too. I highly suggest you see a counselor.

Why is all this **** advertising on this story? I have flagged it and hope someone in Ep has the decency to remove it all.

I'm sorry for the pain that this has caused you but if you allow this man to continue to run free then you are equaly guilty. You don't have to like this .but it is what it is. You may as well have been in the room. Violence against women is so pathetic and easy for an abusive man. What if it was you being molested would you feel the same way. Call the police and turn this rapeist/ child molester in.

I completely understand why your parents didn't turn your brother into the cops, but at some point it becomes about children he could also do this to in the future.



I'm so sorry you had to go through all this. I've been through your sister's side of things, but also yours in that my brother got beat up and I did nothing about it. His screams still haunt me to this day. Talking to someone else definitely helps you come to the realization that it wasn't your fault. (If that's something you fight)



I'm so glad you have your fiance and that you're getting help through therapy!

And even though your brother did terrible things, you still love him so I definitely understand your still talking to him sometimes. I hope he's changed and from seeing what he's done to his sister will never do that to anyone ever again.



Hang in there sweetie!

It's not God but the Law you should tell, even if the former offers some sort of prop.



Nevertheless I realise that's an extremely easy thing to say and extremely hard to do, and when most of the family are abusers obtaining evidence against them will extraordinarily difficult and painful.



I've also realised from a post above that if you are in America you cannot easily obtain professional help unless you are fairly wealthy. However, it is professional help you need.



Fora like these may be able to offer some (sometimes mutual) support and advice, and religion might offer merely a calming but fatalist crutch, but neither can give you the genuine, deep help you need. (Though a trusted, non-RC, mainstream-church priest might help you find practical assistance.) I exclude the RCs because frankly I don't consider them able to understand even normal relationships.



As for hate messages... their perpetrators are just bullies, cowards by definition.



Your best best for anyone in this situation is to move away from the whole lot as far as possible, then write a single letter with no address copied individually to each and every family member, abuser or not, explaining your reasons. You could give a safe (mobile?) phone number on a dedicated, separate phone - but make it clear that you will ignore any abuse, bullying or whining-for-forgiveness.



Don't forget (but don't tell them) that the phone companies' records may help you if you later take legal action.



One vital point - DO NOT at any price, use open vanity sites like Facebook under your real name and any clue as to your whereabouts. You don't know if any of the abusers or innocent but unreliable relatives & family friends will read your posts, nor can you predict or control how they will react.

I would never think of judging you, or your family. As a person who also suffers from depression I would like to pass on what works best for me. When I get in a similar situaiton, I allow myself to feel the pain. You don't want to hang on to it for a long time, just feel the pain, proess the pain (look at it and try to figure out what is making you feel such pain), and then ask God to remove that pain. Your not asking him to change what happened, it's just that he is better equiped than we are for dealing with it. That has helped me in the past and I know he will do it for you as well.



God bless you, and all of your family

I would never think of judging you, or your family. As a person who also suffers from depression I would like to pass on what works best for me. When I get in a similar situaiton, I allow myself to feel the pain. You don't want to hang on to it for a long time, just feel the pain, proess the pain (look at it and try to figure out what is making you feel such pain), and then ask God to remove that pain. Your not asking him to change what happened, it's just that he is better equiped than we are for dealing with it. That has helped me in the past and I know he will do it for you as well.



God bless you, and all of your family

This may show up twice because did it, but don't see it showing up. I do want to say that would never judge you, or your family. As a person who also suffers depresion I would like to share what works for me. When I find myself in similar situations I allow myself to feel the pain. Y ou do not want to hang on to it for a long time, but you do need to feel it. After you feel it you want to process it. Ask yourself what is it that is making me feel this way. Is it that my values have been broken, and or you have fear that he could have hurt her, or even you. After processing, then I ask God to take this pain away. Your not asking him to change what happened, but to take away the pain you are feeling. This is a process I have used many time, and has worked quite well. God bless you and ALL of your family.

Dear Chenadoll 19,

Please remember that holding on to shameful secrets will make you sick. Only in truth and the light of day will the secret lose it's power and hold over you and others. Perhaps maybe you think you have too much to lose if you spill the beans, perhaps you may lose your place to stay if you do share the truth. What about saving just 20 dollars or so a week and call it your "freedom fund?" Also, I have found that sometimes we just can not possibly get the (healthy) relationship that we need from our folks. They simply are not capable (for whatever the reason) of doing so. I know, I chased my Mom around for years (even after she gave me up for adoption and had another child) only to find, that for my own sanity, I had to let the relationship go. She ended up committing suicide, but because I let her vanish from my life years earlier, my children were not affected by her toxic life. I in no way have a normal life now, I isolate from others, work too hard and am bullied by my bosses, and find it hard to connect with other women. Probably because of my failed relationship with my Mom and the lack of healthy life skills that I need to successfully interact with others. I do know that if I'm quiet and keep my feelings to myself at home, I am left alone, but if I share my feelings or stand up for myself, my son verbally abuses me. I am finally now able to reach out for therapy and learn to receive the tools that I need to be a happy well rounded adult. Also, I have chosen a career and educational path that will keep me occupied for the next 8 years (I'm currently 48) with studying and learning in my new career path. But at the end of my journey, even with the amount of student debt I will have, I will be afforded to live the financial life I never before thought I might achieve. I hope you find your way out of your unhappy surroundings, I really do. But for me, it has been a long, hard journey. One that I'm still working on that I hope will lead to joy and happiness. I wish that for all of us, each and every one. :)

It is okay. I am glad you have an outlet. You cannot let this fester inside you. I am so sorry you are going through this. I am in a similar situation with my brother being someone that was abused by a member of my extended family. It has destroyed my Mom and her side of the family. I know what it is like to have to paint on a smile and pretend. It is so not how anyone should live. I hope to god your brother gets help, you sister recovers emotionally and your family to get on the road of recovery. Know you are not alone.

I can relate to your situation, with one slight difference: instead of being a sibling to the victim, I WAS the victim, and my abuser was another foster kid living in the same house as where I was, and I went over 18 months before I felt safe enough and confident enough to blow the whistle on his sorry ***... I can tell you, it's not easy living with those kinds of memories. In my case, the foster care providers providing food, clothing and shelter to me (they were NEVER parents to me, in case my choice of words hasn't made that clear enough) did little, if anything to help me get over my feelings. But I moved on from it on my own. But it sounds as if your sister is surrounded by many people who truly love her and respect her for who she is, and are there for her whenever she needs them. All I can say to you is don't let her forget that you still love her, and that you will be there for her, NO MATTER WHAT. That sometimes boosts our morale moreso than any pill or any head-doctor ever could.

I'm sorry. I really am. This happened to my friend... kind of. Her friend like best friend taped her. She didn't do anything and neither ur sister I can imagine. I guess its the set up of the minds of the people who do this. That make them do it.. I truely am sorry.

that sounds a little like me only i was the victum not my sister and it was my step brother... i'm sorry that happend:(

I think it's ****** up of people to have written mean comments. Sounds to me like your doing all you can. No one knows how they would handle any situation until they're in it, and that's a Hell-of-a situation to handle.



I'm not one for forgiving intention, but I understand keeping a realationship of some sort with your brother, difficult as it may be. He is your brother and it would be crazy if you were able to pretend he no longer existed, even though it may disgust you to speak with him. Your parents have to be torn more than anyone. Surely they love all their children and would do anything to protect them from harm, but when the harm is one of your own children.... sad. I can't imagine their pain. You probably feel like them, but at least you aren't responsible for creating the "monster" your sister fears.



Be strong and I wish you the best.

it's really something tragic I advice you to find a good therapist guys really I want to Thank all of you for this great posts and support god bless you

I know nothing of this subject, but I am sorry you are in this horrible situation. I cannot imagine what you're going through.You will be in my prayers. I hope you can leave all this behind you soon. If you ever need a friendly ear just send me a message.

People, you need to talk about this. FORCE the issue with those involved. My sister went through a traumatic event in her life teenaged life, one she did not choose - our parents chose for her. She was not allowed to discuss it. And never did. Some 35 years later, after our parents died, it hit her like a ton of bricks. A wall of concrete. And if my parents had it to do over, I am certain they would have at least allowed her to talk to them about it, but hindsight and all.... And they are no longer here to help.



COMMUNICATION. It is essential for relationships, yes. Remember that you have a relationship with yourself, and you have to protect and keep that relationship as top most in your mind. The saying comes to mind "if you can't love yourself, how can you possibly love someone else"?



If your family won't talk, talk anyway. What can (reasonable) parents do?? Put their hands over their ears? Believe me, they do not want what my sister has endured to happen to you. Or to the other siblings, as we have all had to make our peace with what went down so many years ago.



We are all only human. OP, your brother is human. We all have faults, and what he did is one of his, or a symptom of one of his. But holding stuff in - it is not good for anyone, anytime, anywhere. (Now you all know what I mean - I'm not talking about holding in an opinion that might be hurtful and will not help you to be "better"). It breeds resentment, anger, confusion, insecurity... I could go on and on.



I understand why my parents asked my sister never to mention this to anyone, and never to speak of it again. But that was nearly 40 years ago, early 70's. LOTS has changed since then re: knowledge of mental health, ability to see therapists without being labeled, etc. Lots has happened with parenting - which has huge differences now than it did then. But why oh why do we still not realize that communication is so key to being healthy???



Good luck.

I wish I had something useful to say about this. I can only relate a little to what your sister and you might be feeling. I 've been sexually harassed by my mother's boy friend and when I finally had the courage to say something about it she did basically NOTHING ABOUT IT! On top of that I have basically no one else that would listen to me and I hate my therapist because she doesn't want to help she just wants to shove pills down my throat.

i am so sorry that you are dealing with this and to hear that this has happened. I do however feel your pain my family lives in another state and I live in TN. my niece was molested over several years by her dad. When she finally decide to tell someone her mother (my sister) said she believes her but she has been with this man her entire life and she dont know how to live without him. so my 12 year old niece refuses to report to anyone because doesnt want to be the one responsible for breaking up her family if he goes to jail and her little sister does not believe it and keeps telling her not to take away her daddy! I want so bad to call the cops but then again I couldnt stand the thought of thme being in a foster home with strangers and there will still be no guarantee that she is safe. my entire family is acting like it didnt happen and my sister says it was a mistake and she needs to forgive him. I however would kill any man that ever touches my child and couldnt imagine ever seeing his face again unless it was in a coffin. My sister solution was for her and her husband to move in with a friend and now she is pregnant by him agian its disgusting. I could not believe that she is so screwed up in the head that she is ok having sex with a man and giving birth to his child knowing that he has put thos same hands on my daughter......... Maybe u can give me some advice idk but you and ur family is in my prayers and agian I am truly sorry. but he will pay for it one way or another just because ur family want to turn their heads and look away doesnt mean god is willing to do the same.

Wow I feel soooo sorry for you and your sis. I'm just disqusted with your bro. But you are right not to abandon him completely

Dear Friend,



I am actually a pastor; I am new to this site. I have had similar experiences. I was raped and fondled by a brother and father different foster homes. No one ever called the cops in my case either. I know how this can affect a person.



Please allow me to be in your circle of friends. We can discuss things through an email. I would like the opportunity to help you. I have twelve years experience as a pastoral counselor. I can give you references and credentials upon request. Just let me know if you are interested in me helping you. If not I do understand but I could possibly could get u in touch with a pastoral counselor in your area.

I'm really sorry for everything that happened. And you don't have to apologize for writing about it here. We're here if you need to tell somebody. I hope everything will work out in the best way possible. Take care!

Have you ever thought about maybe moving out with your sister?

I understand you wouldnt really be free from it all, but maybe you wouldnt feel so guilty just leaving?

does she want out as bad as you?

Just wanted to say to any and all who have suffered sexual abuse or know/are related to a sexual abuse victim, there is a book I highly recommend. “Miss America by Day” – author is Marilyn Van derbur. She was Miss America 1958. Her wealthy father was a pillar of the community. He sexually abused her from the time she was 5 until she was 18, and also at least one of her sisters. Now Marilyn is a speaker and advocate for victims. The book can be ordered or it’s available from libraries.

22 pages of comments that I won't read and my say does not matter that much but I support you.

People don't know how things go in real life.