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Eggshells

i am scared to start this. i am stuck in a "hush hush" family secret. and i am not allowed to speak about it. nobody to vent to, i dont ever want to see a therapist because i dont want to be seen as someone broken and weak. i am stuck in a house that pretends that nothings wrong. my brother sexually abused my sister and everyday it haunts us all, but nobody speaks a word. its brushed under the rug but you can still see the bulge. i want to escape and just be done with it. but its always there. i feel incredibly guilty talking with him, because i could never let my sister know. and i hate that he did that to her, i am absolutely digusted. but how can i just forget about him?
i could move out of my home and stop walking on eggshells but with a dead end job at minimum wage how am i going to afford to live. i am sick of painting on a smile in the morning and then by the time night falls i am completely exhausted from faking the smiles and half hearted laughs that i just breakdown and cry. 
i want a new life away from all this pain and bad memories. i want to forget, forgive and move on.



(i am writing this part a little over a year later, and its sad that i have to, but i am sick of all the nasty messages people have been leaving on here)

i am a person simply looking for an outlet for my own pain...in no way shape or form am i selfish for doing so. so i would really appreciate it if people would take that into consideration while reading this and posting cruel cold comments and leaving me equally as horrible messages in my inbox...

when i wrote this my brother was already kicked out of the house, but do any of you know what is like to go on living and acting like a "normal" family afterwards? it killed me living there to pretend that everything was normal and everything was just okay...i tried so many times to reach out to my mother and just talk about everything...i never wanted any details but i just wanted to know that i had someone within the family that i could talk to and have some sort of compassion within, instead of just forgetting everything....so instead i came to this site by accident...and at the time it was a life saver, i found people who helped me just talk about my dealings with this...

i am 24 and the oldest child and felt almost stuck in the middle, call it ****** up or whatever you like but he is still my brother and yes i absolutely am disgusted by even the thought of what happened and i rarely talk to him. i am here for my sister. through and through...i keep the relationships with the two of them completely seperate...but until you have gone through everything i have gone through...please dont judge me...i am doing the best i can possibly do in this hand i have been dealt.


and my sister is doing okay, somedays are better then others, shes been in several different hospitals and facilitys to deal with this...she would come home and something would trigger her and her deppression would act up and get the best of her and she would be sent back...she has been gone this time since may 2011 and i miss her everyday especially when the holidays come around. shes about an hour away and i dont have the transportation to go to see her as much as i would like. my parents do everything they can possibly do to help her. no they never called the cops on their son. like i said...do not judge me or my family. until you yourself have been in my same exact situation.

everydays a struggle, but i am in the process of finding a therapist at the moment, i realized that moving out never really solved anything i had inside, my fiance is a constant rock in my life, and i thank god everyday that i have such an open hearted compassionate man in my life...

i hope this stops at least stops some of the hate ive been recieving, i am only human doing the best i can. thank you.
chenadoll19 chenadoll19 22-25 183 Responses Nov 11, 2010

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I'm sorry for the pain that this has caused you but if you allow this man to continue to run free then you are equaly guilty. You don't have to like this .but it is what it is. You may as well have been in the room. Violence against women is so pathetic and easy for an abusive man. What if it was you being molested would you feel the same way. Call the police and turn this rapeist/ child molester in.

I completely understand why your parents didn't turn your brother into the cops, but at some point it becomes about children he could also do this to in the future. <br />
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I'm so sorry you had to go through all this. I've been through your sister's side of things, but also yours in that my brother got beat up and I did nothing about it. His screams still haunt me to this day. Talking to someone else definitely helps you come to the realization that it wasn't your fault. (If that's something you fight)<br />
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I'm so glad you have your fiance and that you're getting help through therapy!<br />
And even though your brother did terrible things, you still love him so I definitely understand your still talking to him sometimes. I hope he's changed and from seeing what he's done to his sister will never do that to anyone ever again.<br />
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Hang in there sweetie!

It's not God but the Law you should tell, even if the former offers some sort of prop.<br />
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Nevertheless I realise that's an extremely easy thing to say and extremely hard to do, and when most of the family are abusers obtaining evidence against them will extraordinarily difficult and painful.<br />
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I've also realised from a post above that if you are in America you cannot easily obtain professional help unless you are fairly wealthy. However, it is professional help you need. <br />
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Fora like these may be able to offer some (sometimes mutual) support and advice, and religion might offer merely a calming but fatalist crutch, but neither can give you the genuine, deep help you need. (Though a trusted, non-RC, mainstream-church priest might help you find practical assistance.) I exclude the RCs because frankly I don't consider them able to understand even normal relationships.<br />
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As for hate messages... their perpetrators are just bullies, cowards by definition. <br />
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Your best best for anyone in this situation is to move away from the whole lot as far as possible, then write a single letter with no address copied individually to each and every family member, abuser or not, explaining your reasons. You could give a safe (mobile?) phone number on a dedicated, separate phone - but make it clear that you will ignore any abuse, bullying or whining-for-forgiveness. <br />
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Don't forget (but don't tell them) that the phone companies' records may help you if you later take legal action.<br />
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One vital point - DO NOT at any price, use open vanity sites like Facebook under your real name and any clue as to your whereabouts. You don't know if any of the abusers or innocent but unreliable relatives & family friends will read your posts, nor can you predict or control how they will react.

I would never think of judging you, or your family. As a person who also suffers from depression I would like to pass on what works best for me. When I get in a similar situaiton, I allow myself to feel the pain. You don't want to hang on to it for a long time, just feel the pain, proess the pain (look at it and try to figure out what is making you feel such pain), and then ask God to remove that pain. Your not asking him to change what happened, it's just that he is better equiped than we are for dealing with it. That has helped me in the past and I know he will do it for you as well.<br />
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God bless you, and all of your family

I would never think of judging you, or your family. As a person who also suffers from depression I would like to pass on what works best for me. When I get in a similar situaiton, I allow myself to feel the pain. You don't want to hang on to it for a long time, just feel the pain, proess the pain (look at it and try to figure out what is making you feel such pain), and then ask God to remove that pain. Your not asking him to change what happened, it's just that he is better equiped than we are for dealing with it. That has helped me in the past and I know he will do it for you as well.<br />
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God bless you, and all of your family

This may show up twice because did it, but don't see it showing up. I do want to say that would never judge you, or your family. As a person who also suffers depresion I would like to share what works for me. When I find myself in similar situations I allow myself to feel the pain. Y ou do not want to hang on to it for a long time, but you do need to feel it. After you feel it you want to process it. Ask yourself what is it that is making me feel this way. Is it that my values have been broken, and or you have fear that he could have hurt her, or even you. After processing, then I ask God to take this pain away. Your not asking him to change what happened, but to take away the pain you are feeling. This is a process I have used many time, and has worked quite well. God bless you and ALL of your family.

Dear Chenadoll 19,<br />
Please remember that holding on to shameful secrets will make you sick. Only in truth and the light of day will the secret lose it's power and hold over you and others. Perhaps maybe you think you have too much to lose if you spill the beans, perhaps you may lose your place to stay if you do share the truth. What about saving just 20 dollars or so a week and call it your "freedom fund?" Also, I have found that sometimes we just can not possibly get the (healthy) relationship that we need from our folks. They simply are not capable (for whatever the reason) of doing so. I know, I chased my Mom around for years (even after she gave me up for adoption and had another child) only to find, that for my own sanity, I had to let the relationship go. She ended up committing suicide, but because I let her vanish from my life years earlier, my children were not affected by her toxic life. I in no way have a normal life now, I isolate from others, work too hard and am bullied by my bosses, and find it hard to connect with other women. Probably because of my failed relationship with my Mom and the lack of healthy life skills that I need to successfully interact with others. I do know that if I'm quiet and keep my feelings to myself at home, I am left alone, but if I share my feelings or stand up for myself, my son verbally abuses me. I am finally now able to reach out for therapy and learn to receive the tools that I need to be a happy well rounded adult. Also, I have chosen a career and educational path that will keep me occupied for the next 8 years (I'm currently 48) with studying and learning in my new career path. But at the end of my journey, even with the amount of student debt I will have, I will be afforded to live the financial life I never before thought I might achieve. I hope you find your way out of your unhappy surroundings, I really do. But for me, it has been a long, hard journey. One that I'm still working on that I hope will lead to joy and happiness. I wish that for all of us, each and every one. :)

It is okay. I am glad you have an outlet. You cannot let this fester inside you. I am so sorry you are going through this. I am in a similar situation with my brother being someone that was abused by a member of my extended family. It has destroyed my Mom and her side of the family. I know what it is like to have to paint on a smile and pretend. It is so not how anyone should live. I hope to god your brother gets help, you sister recovers emotionally and your family to get on the road of recovery. Know you are not alone.

I can relate to your situation, with one slight difference: instead of being a sibling to the victim, I WAS the victim, and my abuser was another foster kid living in the same house as where I was, and I went over 18 months before I felt safe enough and confident enough to blow the whistle on his sorry ***... I can tell you, it's not easy living with those kinds of memories. In my case, the foster care providers providing food, clothing and shelter to me (they were NEVER parents to me, in case my choice of words hasn't made that clear enough) did little, if anything to help me get over my feelings. But I moved on from it on my own. But it sounds as if your sister is surrounded by many people who truly love her and respect her for who she is, and are there for her whenever she needs them. All I can say to you is don't let her forget that you still love her, and that you will be there for her, NO MATTER WHAT. That sometimes boosts our morale moreso than any pill or any head-doctor ever could.

I'm sorry. I really am. This happened to my friend... kind of. Her friend like best friend taped her. She didn't do anything and neither ur sister I can imagine. I guess its the set up of the minds of the people who do this. That make them do it.. I truely am sorry.

that sounds a little like me only i was the victum not my sister and it was my step brother... i'm sorry that happend:(

I think it's ****** up of people to have written mean comments. Sounds to me like your doing all you can. No one knows how they would handle any situation until they're in it, and that's a Hell-of-a situation to handle. <br />
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I'm not one for forgiving intention, but I understand keeping a realationship of some sort with your brother, difficult as it may be. He is your brother and it would be crazy if you were able to pretend he no longer existed, even though it may disgust you to speak with him. Your parents have to be torn more than anyone. Surely they love all their children and would do anything to protect them from harm, but when the harm is one of your own children.... sad. I can't imagine their pain. You probably feel like them, but at least you aren't responsible for creating the "monster" your sister fears. <br />
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Be strong and I wish you the best.

it's really something tragic I advice you to find a good therapist guys really I want to Thank all of you for this great posts and support god bless you

I know nothing of this subject, but I am sorry you are in this horrible situation. I cannot imagine what you're going through.You will be in my prayers. I hope you can leave all this behind you soon. If you ever need a friendly ear just send me a message.

People, you need to talk about this. FORCE the issue with those involved. My sister went through a traumatic event in her life teenaged life, one she did not choose - our parents chose for her. She was not allowed to discuss it. And never did. Some 35 years later, after our parents died, it hit her like a ton of bricks. A wall of concrete. And if my parents had it to do over, I am certain they would have at least allowed her to talk to them about it, but hindsight and all.... And they are no longer here to help.<br />
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COMMUNICATION. It is essential for relationships, yes. Remember that you have a relationship with yourself, and you have to protect and keep that relationship as top most in your mind. The saying comes to mind "if you can't love yourself, how can you possibly love someone else"?<br />
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If your family won't talk, talk anyway. What can (reasonable) parents do?? Put their hands over their ears? Believe me, they do not want what my sister has endured to happen to you. Or to the other siblings, as we have all had to make our peace with what went down so many years ago. <br />
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We are all only human. OP, your brother is human. We all have faults, and what he did is one of his, or a symptom of one of his. But holding stuff in - it is not good for anyone, anytime, anywhere. (Now you all know what I mean - I'm not talking about holding in an opinion that might be hurtful and will not help you to be "better"). It breeds resentment, anger, confusion, insecurity... I could go on and on.<br />
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I understand why my parents asked my sister never to mention this to anyone, and never to speak of it again. But that was nearly 40 years ago, early 70's. LOTS has changed since then re: knowledge of mental health, ability to see therapists without being labeled, etc. Lots has happened with parenting - which has huge differences now than it did then. But why oh why do we still not realize that communication is so key to being healthy???<br />
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Good luck.

I wish I had something useful to say about this. I can only relate a little to what your sister and you might be feeling. I 've been sexually harassed by my mother's boy friend and when I finally had the courage to say something about it she did basically NOTHING ABOUT IT! On top of that I have basically no one else that would listen to me and I hate my therapist because she doesn't want to help she just wants to shove pills down my throat.

i am so sorry that you are dealing with this and to hear that this has happened. I do however feel your pain my family lives in another state and I live in TN. my niece was molested over several years by her dad. When she finally decide to tell someone her mother (my sister) said she believes her but she has been with this man her entire life and she dont know how to live without him. so my 12 year old niece refuses to report to anyone because doesnt want to be the one responsible for breaking up her family if he goes to jail and her little sister does not believe it and keeps telling her not to take away her daddy! I want so bad to call the cops but then again I couldnt stand the thought of thme being in a foster home with strangers and there will still be no guarantee that she is safe. my entire family is acting like it didnt happen and my sister says it was a mistake and she needs to forgive him. I however would kill any man that ever touches my child and couldnt imagine ever seeing his face again unless it was in a coffin. My sister solution was for her and her husband to move in with a friend and now she is pregnant by him agian its disgusting. I could not believe that she is so screwed up in the head that she is ok having sex with a man and giving birth to his child knowing that he has put thos same hands on my daughter......... Maybe u can give me some advice idk but you and ur family is in my prayers and agian I am truly sorry. but he will pay for it one way or another just because ur family want to turn their heads and look away doesnt mean god is willing to do the same.

Wow I feel soooo sorry for you and your sis. I'm just disqusted with your bro. But you are right not to abandon him completely

Dear Friend,<br />
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I am actually a pastor; I am new to this site. I have had similar experiences. I was raped and fondled by a brother and father different foster homes. No one ever called the cops in my case either. I know how this can affect a person.<br />
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Please allow me to be in your circle of friends. We can discuss things through an email. I would like the opportunity to help you. I have twelve years experience as a pastoral counselor. I can give you references and credentials upon request. Just let me know if you are interested in me helping you. If not I do understand but I could possibly could get u in touch with a pastoral counselor in your area.

I'm really sorry for everything that happened. And you don't have to apologize for writing about it here. We're here if you need to tell somebody. I hope everything will work out in the best way possible. Take care!

Have you ever thought about maybe moving out with your sister?<br />
I understand you wouldnt really be free from it all, but maybe you wouldnt feel so guilty just leaving? <br />
does she want out as bad as you?

Just wanted to say to any and all who have suffered sexual abuse or know/are related to a sexual abuse victim, there is a book I highly recommend. “Miss America by Day” – author is Marilyn Van derbur. She was Miss America 1958. Her wealthy father was a pillar of the community. He sexually abused her from the time she was 5 until she was 18, and also at least one of her sisters. Now Marilyn is a speaker and advocate for victims. The book can be ordered or it’s available from libraries.

22 pages of comments that I won't read and my say does not matter that much but I support you. <br />
People don't know how things go in real life.

i was 7 when my family decided i should start a summer routine of going on the road with my older cousin in his semi for 7 years when every other kid was so happy to have the last day of school come and get on with thier summer i was just dieing inside with evry tick of the clock the hell of it is im 25 now and i still have to deal with the man you see my father and his father are twins and his father my uncle is sickly and to know his sun is a sick twisted mmmmmmmm.. man would kill him and it would break up the family so i go on business as usual i even have dinner with this pig but the day when my unlce passes and his wife has passed to of course no holds bar its is muther nuckin on

you are a very strong person dont worry about other people. your in a pickle as blood is thiker than water u brother is a real dog u just have to be there for u sister and stuff other people

Why would anyone talk crap to you about this story! This is rather sad, and a diffuclt story, and I understand, you have my full support. <br />
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And when your sister is depressed, try not to send her off too much, she needs her family to be there most of the time.

I am sorry for what happened to your sister and I'm glad that you found a rock in your life, cause everyone needs someone to be there for them. I noticed that you wanted to talk to someone and was wondering if you've considered telling your sister what happened. I only suggest this because this might help her in her healing process. Cause she may feel the same as you when it comes to that. I have 2 sisters of my own and I don't believe that any topic is off limits when it comes to them. We are each others closest and oldest friends.

There is absolutely nothing weak or broken about feeling stressed and alone following such an incident. It is unfortunate that your family can not speak on the matter, but you must get it out of your system. Yes, love your brother and sister as you had and do keep the relationships separated, but for the love of who you are DO NOT keep that on your heart. It can only hurt you if you keep it bottled up... bless.

I hope the good outweighed the bad in the support that you have gotten through this forum. I can empathize with you not because it happened in my life but I understand how communication or the lack of it can leave you still with the bad feelings that never were addressed. Your family should have talked about this to heal but the decision was to not talk about it in hopes it would be forgotten. Most people feel that peoples perception of them is more valuable than how they see themselves. It's a problem that hurts so many people because they strive for "Perfection" or as close as they can to it. The reality is every family has some sort of dysfunction and it's normal. Some people think that the "Smiths" all act like this and anything outside of that is unacceptable. Society has placed that thought in peoples minds but it is so far from the truth. We are all individuals and once we start thinking, we develop our own thoughts and become whatever our minds lead us to be. Your brother did what he did and it wasn't because of who your family is, it was because of who he is. If nothing else they should have gotten him help before it happened again and to someone else. That could protect the family as well because it shows that you guys don't condone what happened. I pray you have started healing but I want you to realize that through this situation you too have become more of an individual and that you are from that family but you don't have to be silent. You can be you and if they don't support you then don't be surprised because they have never done anything about anything so your healing while they are stuck in their pain.

Okay, I havent bothered reading the comments (whether good or bad below) for one reason, I can talk from experience (from your sisters position) about the same kind of situation and I hope I can help you just a little bit. I am the abused sister and the one who struggles to understand why one of the people who were supposed to protect me, would be the one to hurt me... I told my other brother and best friend about it at the time - they both told me to try and forget it happened, so - i stayed in the same house, tried living life as normal and pretending nothing was wrong - most the time i got drunk with friends to try and forget... a year or so later after id eventually moved out following my brother hitting me, i told a boyfriend about the abuse and he persuaded me to tell my mum - i plucked up the courage and cried on the phone as I told her - she refused to believe me unless I called the police to 'prove it'... I wasnt going to do that, for one how could I prove it and for two he was still my brother. For the next 10 yrs I didnt speak to my brother and tried to visit my mum as normal, I avoided family parties and christmas' as I knew he'd be there - my mum often made me feel guilty about her not having her children in the same room together and even insisted we both be there for her 50th birthday meal - it didnt once cross her mind that she'd just guilt-tripped me into sitting opposite my abuser. 3 Years ago it all came to a head, my mum kicked off because she was starting what was to be a very successful business and wanted all her kids working for her - i told her i couldnt do it, and things got nasty. I walked out of her house telling her that was it, I couldnt take anymore and havent been back since. I still see my other brother once in a while and it kills me that this has torn my family apart - especially as my mum keeps it a massive dirty secret from the rest of the family and so i look like ive just walked away from everyone. I dont blame my other brother for not taking sides but sometimes I wish he would hug me and tell me he believes me and everything will be alright... so if I can give you any advice it would be that, give her a hug, tell her that although you cant change anything you are there for her and you love her, visit her often and help her feel safe again, she wont want to talk about it really but sometimes just the support and understanding of knowing your there if she needs you can go along way x