Eggshells

i am scared to start this. i am stuck in a "hush hush" family secret. and i am not allowed to speak about it. nobody to vent to, i dont ever want to see a therapist because i dont want to be seen as someone broken and weak. i am stuck in a house that pretends that nothings wrong. my brother sexually abused my sister and everyday it haunts us all, but nobody speaks a word. its brushed under the rug but you can still see the bulge. i want to escape and just be done with it. but its always there. i feel incredibly guilty talking with him, because i could never let my sister know. and i hate that he did that to her, i am absolutely digusted. but how can i just forget about him?
i could move out of my home and stop walking on eggshells but with a dead end job at minimum wage how am i going to afford to live. i am sick of painting on a smile in the morning and then by the time night falls i am completely exhausted from faking the smiles and half hearted laughs that i just breakdown and cry. 
i want a new life away from all this pain and bad memories. i want to forget, forgive and move on.



(i am writing this part a little over a year later, and its sad that i have to, but i am sick of all the nasty messages people have been leaving on here)

i am a person simply looking for an outlet for my own pain...in no way shape or form am i selfish for doing so. so i would really appreciate it if people would take that into consideration while reading this and posting cruel cold comments and leaving me equally as horrible messages in my inbox...

when i wrote this my brother was already kicked out of the house, but do any of you know what is like to go on living and acting like a "normal" family afterwards? it killed me living there to pretend that everything was normal and everything was just okay...i tried so many times to reach out to my mother and just talk about everything...i never wanted any details but i just wanted to know that i had someone within the family that i could talk to and have some sort of compassion within, instead of just forgetting everything....so instead i came to this site by accident...and at the time it was a life saver, i found people who helped me just talk about my dealings with this...

i am 24 and the oldest child and felt almost stuck in the middle, call it ****** up or whatever you like but he is still my brother and yes i absolutely am disgusted by even the thought of what happened and i rarely talk to him. i am here for my sister. through and through...i keep the relationships with the two of them completely seperate...but until you have gone through everything i have gone through...please dont judge me...i am doing the best i can possibly do in this hand i have been dealt.


and my sister is doing okay, somedays are better then others, shes been in several different hospitals and facilitys to deal with this...she would come home and something would trigger her and her deppression would act up and get the best of her and she would be sent back...she has been gone this time since may 2011 and i miss her everyday especially when the holidays come around. shes about an hour away and i dont have the transportation to go to see her as much as i would like. my parents do everything they can possibly do to help her. no they never called the cops on their son. like i said...do not judge me or my family. until you yourself have been in my same exact situation.

everydays a struggle, but i am in the process of finding a therapist at the moment, i realized that moving out never really solved anything i had inside, my fiance is a constant rock in my life, and i thank god everyday that i have such an open hearted compassionate man in my life...

i hope this stops at least stops some of the hate ive been recieving, i am only human doing the best i can. thank you.