Post

Eggshells

i am scared to start this. i am stuck in a "hush hush" family secret. and i am not allowed to speak about it. nobody to vent to, i dont ever want to see a therapist because i dont want to be seen as someone broken and weak. i am stuck in a house that pretends that nothings wrong. my brother sexually abused my sister and everyday it haunts us all, but nobody speaks a word. its brushed under the rug but you can still see the bulge. i want to escape and just be done with it. but its always there. i feel incredibly guilty talking with him, because i could never let my sister know. and i hate that he did that to her, i am absolutely digusted. but how can i just forget about him?
i could move out of my home and stop walking on eggshells but with a dead end job at minimum wage how am i going to afford to live. i am sick of painting on a smile in the morning and then by the time night falls i am completely exhausted from faking the smiles and half hearted laughs that i just breakdown and cry. 
i want a new life away from all this pain and bad memories. i want to forget, forgive and move on.



(i am writing this part a little over a year later, and its sad that i have to, but i am sick of all the nasty messages people have been leaving on here)

i am a person simply looking for an outlet for my own pain...in no way shape or form am i selfish for doing so. so i would really appreciate it if people would take that into consideration while reading this and posting cruel cold comments and leaving me equally as horrible messages in my inbox...

when i wrote this my brother was already kicked out of the house, but do any of you know what is like to go on living and acting like a "normal" family afterwards? it killed me living there to pretend that everything was normal and everything was just okay...i tried so many times to reach out to my mother and just talk about everything...i never wanted any details but i just wanted to know that i had someone within the family that i could talk to and have some sort of compassion within, instead of just forgetting everything....so instead i came to this site by accident...and at the time it was a life saver, i found people who helped me just talk about my dealings with this...

i am 24 and the oldest child and felt almost stuck in the middle, call it ****** up or whatever you like but he is still my brother and yes i absolutely am disgusted by even the thought of what happened and i rarely talk to him. i am here for my sister. through and through...i keep the relationships with the two of them completely seperate...but until you have gone through everything i have gone through...please dont judge me...i am doing the best i can possibly do in this hand i have been dealt.


and my sister is doing okay, somedays are better then others, shes been in several different hospitals and facilitys to deal with this...she would come home and something would trigger her and her deppression would act up and get the best of her and she would be sent back...she has been gone this time since may 2011 and i miss her everyday especially when the holidays come around. shes about an hour away and i dont have the transportation to go to see her as much as i would like. my parents do everything they can possibly do to help her. no they never called the cops on their son. like i said...do not judge me or my family. until you yourself have been in my same exact situation.

everydays a struggle, but i am in the process of finding a therapist at the moment, i realized that moving out never really solved anything i had inside, my fiance is a constant rock in my life, and i thank god everyday that i have such an open hearted compassionate man in my life...

i hope this stops at least stops some of the hate ive been recieving, i am only human doing the best i can. thank you.
chenadoll19 chenadoll19 22-25 184 Responses Nov 11, 2010

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My heart's love and blessings are sent to you. I know how much pain this can cause in a family having been through similar circumstances. I also know that getting counseling is hard for those of us who don't want to be seen as weak, but it can help process through the painful feelings of love and abhorence of the abuse. You love your sister and you love your brother, but you hate the behavior...it's a scenario that goes round and round and fills your life with pain. This can be healed and it's worth it to try. Seeking help takes a lot of strength...it's not the act of someone who is broken and weak. I pray that you can own that and believe it with all your heart. I don't know if you are a Christian or not and I don't want to impose it on you if you have resistance or are of another faith. However, I do think that reading Joyce Meyer's account of her sexual abuse by her father over a period of 18 years and how she came to heal the pain and actually forgive her abuser might offer some insight and peace for you. It's important for you to free up the space this abomination takes up in your life so that you can fill that space with the beauty and love that is in you...Only then can you be the healer in the family. Only then can you truly help your sister be healed. And yes, only then can you help your brother cast aside the behaviors that are destroying his life as well. Please be comforted by knowing that you are not alone in the battle...your story is all too common in families across America. Be well, I wish you love and peace. KCVENUS

Im so sorry you are living with that but I think it is better if everyone does deal with it.<br />
Your brother needs help with some kind of therapy and so does your sister depending on her age.<br />
if your family are low income im sure there is free therapy ask at your local family planning clinic.<br />
im sure your parents are ashamed of the situation but they have to put everyones mental and physical security first.<br />
I really hope you get some help sweetheart try talking with someone.<br />
you can always say you are trying to find out some information for your friend if you dont want to tell them its for you.

First of all, am really sorry such a thing occured in your family. I dont hav an idea how it feels like to live in a house with such a secret, but i do know what Pretending does.The thing about a Secret is it never really stays hidden forever, no matter how Powerful or Secluded Knowledge is or any form of information is, everything was made to Reveal itself as GOD made it this way. Facing the facts, lets look at the situation. No matter how Awkward, Disgusting or Bitter it may feel to look at your Brother or your Sister each day, realising and FORGIVING YOURSELVES is the very thing that relieves the very load your Conscience is trys to lift off every day. It may be hard, i know, but Pretending only makes you lose Opportunities and wastes more time in Irrelevant things, and somehow i believe your not that kind of person that likes time wasted. Talk to your Brother and your Sister, i dont know which Church you go to but honestly, you all need to Pray to GOD and go to Church if you want your lives to be normal. There's always hope, for love to return to your home. Dont GIVEUP on your family. They are Gifts you would never want to lose! I pray GOD be your guide as you let the truth clear your lives! Pray to GOD!

you really need to do something about it and it had to stopped.. what will happen to your sister when she is old enough to know..

I feel it is important for you to hear my story, because you say never you would turn in your brother, let this be a very sad and provocative story for you. <br />
My name is angel and my family has a molestation history through the generations and by the way noone ever talked about or got anyone help for even though everyone knew it!<br />
I am a molestation survivor, i was molested when I was 3 by two indiviudals, a teacher and bus driver. To this day although i hgave gone to counseling i am still having issues.<br />
Here I want to say is this my mother, her sister and two brothers were all molested as children by friends of their parents( so it is possible you brother was molested, even by a pastor or anyone for that matter)my uncle went on to molest my cousin when she was 16(my aunt didn't believe her)and i beleive he molested at least one of his sons(supposedly he says he got help. My other uncle he went on to adopt two beautiful children one of whom he would have them bring friends to spend the night (o by the way he has aids) and he would molest the boys. Thankfully he is now in jail bc he molested something like 80 boys we know of. Now just imagine if someone had the balls to turn him in? Maybe all this wouldnt have happened maybe if he'd gotten help in the beginning when he was molested maybe that woulod not have happened. My cousin who was molested, well her son was molested as well. so the beat goes on, it is a cycle and i have been so supervigilent about it not happening to my babies, my daughter is not allowed to be alone with her uncle who molested her dad when he was young( and for the record i dont give a yahoo about what people cal"experimentation" bc if it is against your will it is rape and what the heck will do u have when u r a little child or even a 13 year old or older?it still irrivocably screws you up.) as far as i know my children have not been molested but even just the fear of it nhappening is awful bc i dont trust people witrh my children and if they act in sexual ways i am always wondering, who did something to them(which is something that abuse survivors do) my mom had me in extensive therapy but i think i still need it, this is such a hard and heart breaking thing. it is good they are now getting help, but u need help and ytou all must talk about it, look what happens when you don't. my family is a prime example. Hiding inside and pretending its ok is so bad for u. I know i did it for so long and here i am 30 years old and pissed off because i was't allowed to express my emotions growing up or be myself and now i am exploding out of myself and it is so hard! It is so painful, you doit now and get it out of you, and you make your family see no it is not freakin a ok. then healing can begin. It breaks my heart to think of all the lives that have been ruined bc of my uncle and if someone had done something earlier it could have been stopped, but now his son and those boys may go on to do it to their children,cousins,friends of family and so on. I pray not but it can and does happen so do not blind yourself into the it can never happen to me thinking there may be things in your parents or other relatives past you do not know as i did not know. I am sorry for this but i wanted u to c what is possible when things are swept under the rug and no it couldnt have been a friend or family member. it can and often is.

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you know, I came across this post and i always believed that i was the only one that this happened to. I was molested firstly by my uncle then my brothers and it has taken me a long time to forgive them and myself for what happened in the past. Infact it has taken 50 years for me to accept that what happened to me was not my fault and the people that did this to me must have suffered the same fate. Thanks to my wonderful mind, I accept that everyone makes mistakes and once done it cannot be taken back, i am now able to live my life with no malice toward others, I just have to move on and enjoy the rest of my life - thank you

ps - i am one of the lucky ones and i accept that others have suffered much more than I did and all molesters should be held accountable for their actions. I am one of the lucky survivors

I am sorry that you're having to deal with this. But having been in a similar situation with my younger sister and her cousin, this is NOT something that should be brushed under the rug. Someone has to step up at some point and say something for the sake of your sister and brother, both.<br />
Your sister is very harmed right now and I'm sure doesn't know what to do and would love to forget about it. But it can't be, it'll only hurt her more. <br />
When in the situation I was put in, I ended up talking to my own therapist who anonymously reported it. Her family was doing the same thing that your family is doing, ignoring it for the sake of reputation and humiliation. Essentially, your brother and sister's mental health matters more than your families humiliation right now. It's a very difficult process to go through. I know. But sometimes "staying strong" is giving in and doing what YOU know needs to be done, rather than allowing your family to continue to hurt themselves.

I understand, my brother molested someone that I love very much. I couldn't look at him for five years. The person he molested became tragically ill and passed away and the years rolled on, then he became seriously ill. His family called me to his bedside and I declined, more time passed and he recovered a bit. Then suddenly a sibling died and we had issues with our Mother and I was forced to see him and deal with family matters. What I'm getting at here is, it never gets easier. I can never respect him or trust him again. There is no way to completely avoid the offender if they are a sibling. <br />
I am thinking of you and sending you much compassion. You are not alone.

Face it head on and claim your life in whatever way you feel led to. Only you can limit your self especially by worrying about how others perceive you (like weakness for therap) If you continue to ignore it, that only makes it bigger and steals your life. FACE IT DOWN YOU CAN DO IT

I was molested by a private music instructor for about 5 years. I never told anyone. I thought I had gotten over it…that was until I had my first child and it all came rushing back into my head. <br />
When my mom remarried I had a dream that her husband molested my kid while everyone in the house was sleeping so I told her that her husband could never be alone with my kid….but then I had to explain why. So, after 16 years, I finally broke the silence with my Mom. It was a small relief to me though, because now I was thinking of my children and how I would feel if a ********* was not outed. and was allowed to keep doing this to other kids for 16 years. It seemed like such a simple thing - to go to the police - after all I had only kept it secret to protect my mom….but it took me 2 more years, with counceling and meds, to be able to call the police and report him. Nothing can be done because of the statute of limitations, but I haven't felt this good in so many years. I feel as though I have taken control of a situation that had been out of control. I'm no longer fearful of him and would gladly sit in a court and speak on behalf of others who come out with it sooner than I did.

How old was she, and was she aware of what was happening. If your sister did know what was happening, its better you let her know. Rather than to let her find out on her on. she will find it hard to forgive you. its only the truth that will sent you free. You will only have the peace of mind if you talk about it.

I want to say to you that those of us who see counsellors are not weak people. We are strong people because we have been able to hold all this in for so long and we have survived. Those who are weak are those who prey on us. We need the help of counsellors because they are wise people who can help us get through.

I think I'm going to pass out not only with chenadoll's story, but also with the comments posted below. What a cruel world. I didn't know many people undergo this kind of trauma. Gosh, I don't know what else to say...

As you know, life continues whether you decide to face it or not. I hope you can be the strong mature person and try to help your sister. Also, there is nothing wrong with therapy. Everyone needs someone to talk to and when you dont have anyone a counselor can be very helpful. I have been going to therapy off and on all my life and it has helped me through tough times. I will pray for you and your family and I wish I could help you more.

please never think of therapy as you being broken or weak - In fact it is a sign of strength and maturity! ....and really it is just what you are doing on this site here - opening up - letting it out and listening to advice... all those things begin the healing and re-building process. <br />
I have seen numerous shrinks - some have helped/some haven't - but it NEVER made things worse - so what have you got to loose by making that step and getting help. <br />
My family was the sam - "Very hush hush" No-one kew my problems or issues cos I was always smiling - joking - laughing - but on the inside duing- that only makes the suffering worse and more prolongued. This issue wont go away unfortunately but It WILL become manageable if you begin to deal with it now. Good Luck and God bless x

Girlinthebackground, you are referring to scarring, which in a lot of cases what ever happen to that person in there past, they eventually do the same deed that was done to them. The unfortunate thing about all of this i that this happens more than most of you may know of and its increasing at an alarming rate.<br />
<br />
Perhaps the reason for this is because of media and people are also being proactive with there families. As hard as this may be chenadoll19 this needs to be addressed no matter how hard it may be.<br />
<br />
There are support groups for this if you are interested in getting some input and some insight on this subject.

Please take a moment to consider that the boundaries for this brother are totally wrong, and that going to get help from this abuse of your sister might save countless others from rape and abuse. Many of the serial rapists that have been interviewed indicate that it started at "home" when they were able to abuse there siblings. If these offenders are confronted and counciled at a young age,(13-17) the abuse can actually be undone for both the victim and the offender. Please do this or you might be letting another Ted Bundy loose on the world. I'm not trying to scare you but I might be trying to scare everyone else who thinks that the sexual/sadist/criminal was killed when Bundy croaked.

A logical approach.....<br />
We dont get to choose our family..... that is a fact. <br />
You cant undo the wrong, again a fact.<br />
Your brother cannot undo it either. fact<br />
Your other family members cannot undo it, again a fact. <br />
A family unit generally looks after their own..... that is the function of a family.<br />
If you make it a legal matter (cops), they will punish, but rehabilitate?... NO- Cops only punish.<br />
You and the rest of the family have the capacity to forgive...... if you choose....... and it IS YOUR CHOICE.<br />
Your a bit young to have realized the following truth, but I assure you, a day will come that you do.<br />
<br />
Life is not fair..... bad things happen. This bad thing happened and it will not be the last bad thing that will happen in your life or to the people you care about. The only way you can ever be happy in life is to learn to accept that bad things will happen. Accept and then go on. Do all the good you can to make up for the bad things. Do good for your sister and brother and parents. The second truth you will one day realize is the wisdom in forgiveness. We are imperfect creatures, that is the way our GOD made us. That is why people who are good sometimes do bad things. And that is why in most cases they deserve forgiveness. Forgiveness, will free YOU, not him. You could call cops..... but they wont change the fact that he will have to live with the stigma of his choice all his life, and know that he has betrayed a family member..... think of how painful that would be if you were him..... punishment will come in ways that you cannot now envision.... Let it go. You sound like a good person. Rise above this bad event. It is a tragedy that has happened to your whole family. Shouldnt it be treated as such? <br />
<br />
Do the good that you can do. Set the example for him and the rest of your family... MEND, dont destroy. Your family has suffered enough.... <br />
<br />
submitted with love and respect, Dwayne

2010? Good Heavens. This story is ancient. The Archivists MUST have fallen to the wayside. The poor thing probaley committed hari-kari by now

****** and sexual abuse of children is illegal. Call children' protective services today. Your entire family needs help now.

apparently this story is not ancient. my friend, DO NOT involve the cops. They may mean well as individuals but they are caught up in a system that is beyond thier control. You will destroy your family-to say naught of you-never forget that you are merely a woman. Therapy is not a bad idea. <br />
For whatever it is worth I can be here for you.<br />
maggie

merely a woman?!?! That sounds horrible... "never forget that you are merely a woman" please, explain what you mean by that...

I could so relate. <br />
As a child my sis n I were both sexually abused by our older brother. I don't remember but my sis does n my moms has known the entire time. This was when we were kids up until she was about 10. I've delt with it by surpressing the image memories(but have retained everyother sensory memory,(smell, touch,feel) but since i cant rember dates or places or anything physical I can't say or sure that it really happened. I do remember it happening to her(sis). I also found out (later in my late 20s) that my mom knew n did nothing. I learned then that the problems between her n sis have rooted from the moment my mom refused to say or do anything. He remained in 'our home' til he married n had a family of his own. The releif I felt when he left was so overwhelming. Me n my sis made it a point not to speak or even be in the same room as him for no longer then 10mins. But ofcourse my mom would always make us do the"family thing".<br />
I say this only b/c I think n feel with all of me that u n ur sis nee out of that blackhole u call a life. The outcome for me n my sis is not one u want. If unable to remove both ur sis n self then survival for oneself is most important. I myself have been stuck in an never-ending-cycle of what's real n whats not. Trying to be a safety net for my sis but she keeps slipping thru. I can't help her anymore, she has gone down the rabbit hole where I can't follow. n it hurts me so much. I feel her pain as if my own bc I see where it all came from I know. But there comes that time in ones life as it has for me at this moment now. Like it has for u. Pls take this opp as a wakeup n realize u will NOT live thru this in one price or sane. Choose urself over them. I personally will stop putting my sanity n health in last place for people who refuse to SEE or even acknowledge.<br />
I too refuse to feel weak n broken but asking for help isn't what makes it so.<br />
I too refuse to seek help, but all it did was make the cycle stronger.<br />
I too have nowhere n no choices left, <br />
But I WILL NOT stop trying to survive n neither shld u.<br />
There is a way out of this u'll find it or it'll fine u. Don't give up on urself.<br />
<br />
BLESSED BE <3

thank you everyone who commented, i never thought i would get such a reaction, and i never intended on getting one either, i just came to vent and let it all out, and for those of you are concerned about my sister, these days shes not doing so well, she has been in and out of the hospital. lifes been crazy for her, and some days it seems to be too much for me and the family, but we are all there for eachother, and in some way it brings us all together, i dont know if everything will ever be pieced back together the way i would like it to be but no matter what i will always love my sister and my brother, they are my blood. and no matter what was done and said on either side i could never leave either of them behind, they both have deep rooted issues. but i am the big sister who tries to keep this puzzle that is our family together. i am engaged to the most amazing loving caring person ever, he was molested when he was younger and he stands by me through everything and tries to help me understand my sisters side as well. he's a lifesaver. <br />
<br />
but i will end this for now, thank you everyone for the support

By not saying anything about the abuse, your brother has all the power in the household. You need to tell someone or your sister needs to tell someone so he doesn't have all the power. If you need someone to chat to don't hesitate to drop a line.<br />
Take Care& God Bless

You need to talk to someone. There is wonderful advice here please take it and I promise you it won't be as bad as you think. The fact you posted here shows you are not weak. All you have to do is make that one little step and come out in to the light from the dark place you inhabit now.

To reach out for help from a professional is not a sign of weakness, it is a beacon of courage in a timid world. Which is harder, hiding the festering pain of it all, or stepping out with courage to deal with it head on? Only you can answer that for you dear. I know that you will never forget, but you can forgive and move forward. Perhaps your brother was also abused? I am a male that was sexually abused for two years as a child from age 7 to 9. I in turn became an abuser a couple of years later myself, most likely because I too suffered in silence and told no one about my abuse till years later. My poor sweet little sister was the outlet for my pain and suffering.<br />
<br />
And then I hated myself for doing that to her. I became violently depressed and remained that way for a long time. I wanted to simply die. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. I knew what I was doing was wrong, yet I did it anyways. I was full of self loathing for years.<br />
<br />
I never talked with a therapist until years later about my abuse, and having become an abuser myself. But one thing that I did do was to stop abusing my little sister years ago. I addressed the issue with her, and expressed sincere regret for hurting her so badly. Then I asked for her forgiveness and left the ball in her court so to speak. She had all the power now. I had relinquished all control. I sat on pins and needles awaiting her reply. She forgave me! and we are as close as we should have been all the time we were growing up together.<br />
<br />
The power of forgiveness to heal is transformational. And it is never too late to ask for, give, or to receive forgiveness. Ultimately, a good therapist only acts as a guide for the journey to forgiveness, even if it is you forgiving yourself dear! It all comes from inside of you.<br />
<br />
Take courage. Stand up for yourself. you don't have to suffer in silence. There are people that you can surround yourself with who will help you discover the courage that dwells in your own heart.<br />
<br />
God bless you on your journey towards healing.<br />
<br />
Love, David

wow... I am glad you got help and healed, thanks for sharing it.

Wow. You have to get out of that house and take your sister with you. Even with minimum wage, you can get food from a local soup kitchen. You can even join a traveling carnival. I know that sounds dumb but I have worked there before and it's not so bad. You can run-away from it all travel around, its free room and board. Look it up, I would recommend North America Midway.

I have some thing to say, that I know you'll think is pointless in being said, because everybody else has already said it, but I have to say it anyway:<br />
Just hang in there. I know it's going ot be hard right now, but it will definitly get better.