i am scared to start this. i am stuck in a "hush hush" family secret. and i am not allowed to speak about it. nobody to vent to, i dont ever want to see a therapist because i dont want to be seen as someone broken and weak. i am stuck in a house that pretends that nothings wrong. my brother sexually abused my sister and everyday it haunts us all, but nobody speaks a word. its brushed under the rug but you can still see the bulge. i want to escape and just be done with it. but its always there. i feel incredibly guilty talking with him, because i could never let my sister know. and i hate that he did that to her, i am absolutely digusted. but how can i just forget about him?
i could move out of my home and stop walking on eggshells but with a dead end job at minimum wage how am i going to afford to live. i am sick of painting on a smile in the morning and then by the time night falls i am completely exhausted from faking the smiles and half hearted laughs that i just breakdown and cry. 
i want a new life away from all this pain and bad memories. i want to forget, forgive and move on.

(i am writing this part a little over a year later, and its sad that i have to, but i am sick of all the nasty messages people have been leaving on here)

i am a person simply looking for an outlet for my own no way shape or form am i selfish for doing so. so i would really appreciate it if people would take that into consideration while reading this and posting cruel cold comments and leaving me equally as horrible messages in my inbox...

when i wrote this my brother was already kicked out of the house, but do any of you know what is like to go on living and acting like a "normal" family afterwards? it killed me living there to pretend that everything was normal and everything was just okay...i tried so many times to reach out to my mother and just talk about everything...i never wanted any details but i just wanted to know that i had someone within the family that i could talk to and have some sort of compassion within, instead of just forgetting instead i came to this site by accident...and at the time it was a life saver, i found people who helped me just talk about my dealings with this...

i am 24 and the oldest child and felt almost stuck in the middle, call it ****** up or whatever you like but he is still my brother and yes i absolutely am disgusted by even the thought of what happened and i rarely talk to him. i am here for my sister. through and through...i keep the relationships with the two of them completely seperate...but until you have gone through everything i have gone through...please dont judge me...i am doing the best i can possibly do in this hand i have been dealt.

and my sister is doing okay, somedays are better then others, shes been in several different hospitals and facilitys to deal with this...she would come home and something would trigger her and her deppression would act up and get the best of her and she would be sent back...she has been gone this time since may 2011 and i miss her everyday especially when the holidays come around. shes about an hour away and i dont have the transportation to go to see her as much as i would like. my parents do everything they can possibly do to help her. no they never called the cops on their son. like i not judge me or my family. until you yourself have been in my same exact situation.

everydays a struggle, but i am in the process of finding a therapist at the moment, i realized that moving out never really solved anything i had inside, my fiance is a constant rock in my life, and i thank god everyday that i have such an open hearted compassionate man in my life...

i hope this stops at least stops some of the hate ive been recieving, i am only human doing the best i can. thank you.
chenadoll19 chenadoll19
179 Responses Nov 11, 2010

Im so sorry you are living with that but I think it is better if everyone does deal with it.<br />
Your brother needs help with some kind of therapy and so does your sister depending on her age.<br />
if your family are low income im sure there is free therapy ask at your local family planning clinic.<br />
im sure your parents are ashamed of the situation but they have to put everyones mental and physical security first.<br />
I really hope you get some help sweetheart try talking with someone.<br />
you can always say you are trying to find out some information for your friend if you dont want to tell them its for you.

First of all, am really sorry such a thing occured in your family. I dont hav an idea how it feels like to live in a house with such a secret, but i do know what Pretending does.The thing about a Secret is it never really stays hidden forever, no matter how Powerful or Secluded Knowledge is or any form of information is, everything was made to Reveal itself as GOD made it this way. Facing the facts, lets look at the situation. No matter how Awkward, Disgusting or Bitter it may feel to look at your Brother or your Sister each day, realising and FORGIVING YOURSELVES is the very thing that relieves the very load your Conscience is trys to lift off every day. It may be hard, i know, but Pretending only makes you lose Opportunities and wastes more time in Irrelevant things, and somehow i believe your not that kind of person that likes time wasted. Talk to your Brother and your Sister, i dont know which Church you go to but honestly, you all need to Pray to GOD and go to Church if you want your lives to be normal. There's always hope, for love to return to your home. Dont GIVEUP on your family. They are Gifts you would never want to lose! I pray GOD be your guide as you let the truth clear your lives! Pray to GOD!

you really need to do something about it and it had to stopped.. what will happen to your sister when she is old enough to know..

I feel it is important for you to hear my story, because you say never you would turn in your brother, let this be a very sad and provocative story for you. <br />
My name is angel and my family has a molestation history through the generations and by the way noone ever talked about or got anyone help for even though everyone knew it!<br />
I am a molestation survivor, i was molested when I was 3 by two indiviudals, a teacher and bus driver. To this day although i hgave gone to counseling i am still having issues.<br />
Here I want to say is this my mother, her sister and two brothers were all molested as children by friends of their parents( so it is possible you brother was molested, even by a pastor or anyone for that matter)my uncle went on to molest my cousin when she was 16(my aunt didn't believe her)and i beleive he molested at least one of his sons(supposedly he says he got help. My other uncle he went on to adopt two beautiful children one of whom he would have them bring friends to spend the night (o by the way he has aids) and he would molest the boys. Thankfully he is now in jail bc he molested something like 80 boys we know of. Now just imagine if someone had the balls to turn him in? Maybe all this wouldnt have happened maybe if he'd gotten help in the beginning when he was molested maybe that woulod not have happened. My cousin who was molested, well her son was molested as well. so the beat goes on, it is a cycle and i have been so supervigilent about it not happening to my babies, my daughter is not allowed to be alone with her uncle who molested her dad when he was young( and for the record i dont give a yahoo about what people cal"experimentation" bc if it is against your will it is rape and what the heck will do u have when u r a little child or even a 13 year old or older?it still irrivocably screws you up.) as far as i know my children have not been molested but even just the fear of it nhappening is awful bc i dont trust people witrh my children and if they act in sexual ways i am always wondering, who did something to them(which is something that abuse survivors do) my mom had me in extensive therapy but i think i still need it, this is such a hard and heart breaking thing. it is good they are now getting help, but u need help and ytou all must talk about it, look what happens when you don't. my family is a prime example. Hiding inside and pretending its ok is so bad for u. I know i did it for so long and here i am 30 years old and pissed off because i was't allowed to express my emotions growing up or be myself and now i am exploding out of myself and it is so hard! It is so painful, you doit now and get it out of you, and you make your family see no it is not freakin a ok. then healing can begin. It breaks my heart to think of all the lives that have been ruined bc of my uncle and if someone had done something earlier it could have been stopped, but now his son and those boys may go on to do it to their children,cousins,friends of family and so on. I pray not but it can and does happen so do not blind yourself into the it can never happen to me thinking there may be things in your parents or other relatives past you do not know as i did not know. I am sorry for this but i wanted u to c what is possible when things are swept under the rug and no it couldnt have been a friend or family member. it can and often is.

SUBSCRIBE to my youtube community

you know, I came across this post and i always believed that i was the only one that this happened to. I was molested firstly by my uncle then my brothers and it has taken me a long time to forgive them and myself for what happened in the past. Infact it has taken 50 years for me to accept that what happened to me was not my fault and the people that did this to me must have suffered the same fate. Thanks to my wonderful mind, I accept that everyone makes mistakes and once done it cannot be taken back, i am now able to live my life with no malice toward others, I just have to move on and enjoy the rest of my life - thank you

ps - i am one of the lucky ones and i accept that others have suffered much more than I did and all molesters should be held accountable for their actions. I am one of the lucky survivors

I am sorry that you're having to deal with this. But having been in a similar situation with my younger sister and her cousin, this is NOT something that should be brushed under the rug. Someone has to step up at some point and say something for the sake of your sister and brother, both.<br />
Your sister is very harmed right now and I'm sure doesn't know what to do and would love to forget about it. But it can't be, it'll only hurt her more. <br />
When in the situation I was put in, I ended up talking to my own therapist who anonymously reported it. Her family was doing the same thing that your family is doing, ignoring it for the sake of reputation and humiliation. Essentially, your brother and sister's mental health matters more than your families humiliation right now. It's a very difficult process to go through. I know. But sometimes "staying strong" is giving in and doing what YOU know needs to be done, rather than allowing your family to continue to hurt themselves.

I understand, my brother molested someone that I love very much. I couldn't look at him for five years. The person he molested became tragically ill and passed away and the years rolled on, then he became seriously ill. His family called me to his bedside and I declined, more time passed and he recovered a bit. Then suddenly a sibling died and we had issues with our Mother and I was forced to see him and deal with family matters. What I'm getting at here is, it never gets easier. I can never respect him or trust him again. There is no way to completely avoid the offender if they are a sibling. <br />
I am thinking of you and sending you much compassion. You are not alone.

Face it head on and claim your life in whatever way you feel led to. Only you can limit your self especially by worrying about how others perceive you (like weakness for therap) If you continue to ignore it, that only makes it bigger and steals your life. FACE IT DOWN YOU CAN DO IT

I was molested by a private music instructor for about 5 years. I never told anyone. I thought I had gotten over it…that was until I had my first child and it all came rushing back into my head. <br />
When my mom remarried I had a dream that her husband molested my kid while everyone in the house was sleeping so I told her that her husband could never be alone with my kid….but then I had to explain why. So, after 16 years, I finally broke the silence with my Mom. It was a small relief to me though, because now I was thinking of my children and how I would feel if a ********* was not outed. and was allowed to keep doing this to other kids for 16 years. It seemed like such a simple thing - to go to the police - after all I had only kept it secret to protect my mom….but it took me 2 more years, with counceling and meds, to be able to call the police and report him. Nothing can be done because of the statute of limitations, but I haven't felt this good in so many years. I feel as though I have taken control of a situation that had been out of control. I'm no longer fearful of him and would gladly sit in a court and speak on behalf of others who come out with it sooner than I did.

How old was she, and was she aware of what was happening. If your sister did know what was happening, its better you let her know. Rather than to let her find out on her on. she will find it hard to forgive you. its only the truth that will sent you free. You will only have the peace of mind if you talk about it.

I want to say to you that those of us who see counsellors are not weak people. We are strong people because we have been able to hold all this in for so long and we have survived. Those who are weak are those who prey on us. We need the help of counsellors because they are wise people who can help us get through.

I think I'm going to pass out not only with chenadoll's story, but also with the comments posted below. What a cruel world. I didn't know many people undergo this kind of trauma. Gosh, I don't know what else to say...

As you know, life continues whether you decide to face it or not. I hope you can be the strong mature person and try to help your sister. Also, there is nothing wrong with therapy. Everyone needs someone to talk to and when you dont have anyone a counselor can be very helpful. I have been going to therapy off and on all my life and it has helped me through tough times. I will pray for you and your family and I wish I could help you more.

please never think of therapy as you being broken or weak - In fact it is a sign of strength and maturity! ....and really it is just what you are doing on this site here - opening up - letting it out and listening to advice... all those things begin the healing and re-building process. <br />
I have seen numerous shrinks - some have helped/some haven't - but it NEVER made things worse - so what have you got to loose by making that step and getting help. <br />
My family was the sam - "Very hush hush" No-one kew my problems or issues cos I was always smiling - joking - laughing - but on the inside duing- that only makes the suffering worse and more prolongued. This issue wont go away unfortunately but It WILL become manageable if you begin to deal with it now. Good Luck and God bless x

Girlinthebackground, you are referring to scarring, which in a lot of cases what ever happen to that person in there past, they eventually do the same deed that was done to them. The unfortunate thing about all of this i that this happens more than most of you may know of and its increasing at an alarming rate.<br />
<br />
Perhaps the reason for this is because of media and people are also being proactive with there families. As hard as this may be chenadoll19 this needs to be addressed no matter how hard it may be.<br />
<br />
There are support groups for this if you are interested in getting some input and some insight on this subject.

Please take a moment to consider that the boundaries for this brother are totally wrong, and that going to get help from this abuse of your sister might save countless others from rape and abuse. Many of the serial rapists that have been interviewed indicate that it started at "home" when they were able to abuse there siblings. If these offenders are confronted and counciled at a young age,(13-17) the abuse can actually be undone for both the victim and the offender. Please do this or you might be letting another Ted Bundy loose on the world. I'm not trying to scare you but I might be trying to scare everyone else who thinks that the sexual/sadist/criminal was killed when Bundy croaked.

A logical approach.....<br />
We dont get to choose our family..... that is a fact. <br />
You cant undo the wrong, again a fact.<br />
Your brother cannot undo it either. fact<br />
Your other family members cannot undo it, again a fact. <br />
A family unit generally looks after their own..... that is the function of a family.<br />
If you make it a legal matter (cops), they will punish, but rehabilitate?... NO- Cops only punish.<br />
You and the rest of the family have the capacity to forgive...... if you choose....... and it IS YOUR CHOICE.<br />
Your a bit young to have realized the following truth, but I assure you, a day will come that you do.<br />
<br />
Life is not fair..... bad things happen. This bad thing happened and it will not be the last bad thing that will happen in your life or to the people you care about. The only way you can ever be happy in life is to learn to accept that bad things will happen. Accept and then go on. Do all the good you can to make up for the bad things. Do good for your sister and brother and parents. The second truth you will one day realize is the wisdom in forgiveness. We are imperfect creatures, that is the way our GOD made us. That is why people who are good sometimes do bad things. And that is why in most cases they deserve forgiveness. Forgiveness, will free YOU, not him. You could call cops..... but they wont change the fact that he will have to live with the stigma of his choice all his life, and know that he has betrayed a family member..... think of how painful that would be if you were him..... punishment will come in ways that you cannot now envision.... Let it go. You sound like a good person. Rise above this bad event. It is a tragedy that has happened to your whole family. Shouldnt it be treated as such? <br />
<br />
Do the good that you can do. Set the example for him and the rest of your family... MEND, dont destroy. Your family has suffered enough.... <br />
<br />
submitted with love and respect, Dwayne

2010? Good Heavens. This story is ancient. The Archivists MUST have fallen to the wayside. The poor thing probaley committed hari-kari by now

apparently this story is not ancient. my friend, DO NOT involve the cops. They may mean well as individuals but they are caught up in a system that is beyond thier control. You will destroy your family-to say naught of you-never forget that you are merely a woman. Therapy is not a bad idea. <br />
For whatever it is worth I can be here for you.<br />

merely a woman?!?! That sounds horrible... "never forget that you are merely a woman" please, explain what you mean by that...

I could so relate. <br />
As a child my sis n I were both sexually abused by our older brother. I don't remember but my sis does n my moms has known the entire time. This was when we were kids up until she was about 10. I've delt with it by surpressing the image memories(but have retained everyother sensory memory,(smell, touch,feel) but since i cant rember dates or places or anything physical I can't say or sure that it really happened. I do remember it happening to her(sis). I also found out (later in my late 20s) that my mom knew n did nothing. I learned then that the problems between her n sis have rooted from the moment my mom refused to say or do anything. He remained in 'our home' til he married n had a family of his own. The releif I felt when he left was so overwhelming. Me n my sis made it a point not to speak or even be in the same room as him for no longer then 10mins. But ofcourse my mom would always make us do the"family thing".<br />
I say this only b/c I think n feel with all of me that u n ur sis nee out of that blackhole u call a life. The outcome for me n my sis is not one u want. If unable to remove both ur sis n self then survival for oneself is most important. I myself have been stuck in an never-ending-cycle of what's real n whats not. Trying to be a safety net for my sis but she keeps slipping thru. I can't help her anymore, she has gone down the rabbit hole where I can't follow. n it hurts me so much. I feel her pain as if my own bc I see where it all came from I know. But there comes that time in ones life as it has for me at this moment now. Like it has for u. Pls take this opp as a wakeup n realize u will NOT live thru this in one price or sane. Choose urself over them. I personally will stop putting my sanity n health in last place for people who refuse to SEE or even acknowledge.<br />
I too refuse to feel weak n broken but asking for help isn't what makes it so.<br />
I too refuse to seek help, but all it did was make the cycle stronger.<br />
I too have nowhere n no choices left, <br />
But I WILL NOT stop trying to survive n neither shld u.<br />
There is a way out of this u'll find it or it'll fine u. Don't give up on urself.<br />
<br />

thank you everyone who commented, i never thought i would get such a reaction, and i never intended on getting one either, i just came to vent and let it all out, and for those of you are concerned about my sister, these days shes not doing so well, she has been in and out of the hospital. lifes been crazy for her, and some days it seems to be too much for me and the family, but we are all there for eachother, and in some way it brings us all together, i dont know if everything will ever be pieced back together the way i would like it to be but no matter what i will always love my sister and my brother, they are my blood. and no matter what was done and said on either side i could never leave either of them behind, they both have deep rooted issues. but i am the big sister who tries to keep this puzzle that is our family together. i am engaged to the most amazing loving caring person ever, he was molested when he was younger and he stands by me through everything and tries to help me understand my sisters side as well. he's a lifesaver. <br />
<br />
but i will end this for now, thank you everyone for the support

You need to talk to someone. There is wonderful advice here please take it and I promise you it won't be as bad as you think. The fact you posted here shows you are not weak. All you have to do is make that one little step and come out in to the light from the dark place you inhabit now.

To reach out for help from a professional is not a sign of weakness, it is a beacon of courage in a timid world. Which is harder, hiding the festering pain of it all, or stepping out with courage to deal with it head on? Only you can answer that for you dear. I know that you will never forget, but you can forgive and move forward. Perhaps your brother was also abused? I am a male that was sexually abused for two years as a child from age 7 to 9. I in turn became an abuser a couple of years later myself, most likely because I too suffered in silence and told no one about my abuse till years later. My poor sweet little sister was the outlet for my pain and suffering.<br />
<br />
And then I hated myself for doing that to her. I became violently depressed and remained that way for a long time. I wanted to simply die. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. I knew what I was doing was wrong, yet I did it anyways. I was full of self loathing for years.<br />
<br />
I never talked with a therapist until years later about my abuse, and having become an abuser myself. But one thing that I did do was to stop abusing my little sister years ago. I addressed the issue with her, and expressed sincere regret for hurting her so badly. Then I asked for her forgiveness and left the ball in her court so to speak. She had all the power now. I had relinquished all control. I sat on pins and needles awaiting her reply. She forgave me! and we are as close as we should have been all the time we were growing up together.<br />
<br />
The power of forgiveness to heal is transformational. And it is never too late to ask for, give, or to receive forgiveness. Ultimately, a good therapist only acts as a guide for the journey to forgiveness, even if it is you forgiving yourself dear! It all comes from inside of you.<br />
<br />
Take courage. Stand up for yourself. you don't have to suffer in silence. There are people that you can surround yourself with who will help you discover the courage that dwells in your own heart.<br />
<br />
God bless you on your journey towards healing.<br />
<br />
Love, David

wow... I am glad you got help and healed, thanks for sharing it.

Wow. You have to get out of that house and take your sister with you. Even with minimum wage, you can get food from a local soup kitchen. You can even join a traveling carnival. I know that sounds dumb but I have worked there before and it's not so bad. You can run-away from it all travel around, its free room and board. Look it up, I would recommend North America Midway.

I have some thing to say, that I know you'll think is pointless in being said, because everybody else has already said it, but I have to say it anyway:<br />
Just hang in there. I know it's going ot be hard right now, but it will definitly get better.

My advice is talk to you sister she would be suffering more than you and would need your help to cope..keeping things quiet would make her the most distressed person of all in the situation..but treat the matter gently...don't blame her or don't make her think that it does not that you too are very depressed that this thing should not have happened whatever the cause...then take the initiative to remove the molester from the house..that is very important if u have confided in your sister and do nothing to help her..she would feel very alone...and you must not do that to her...if you want to resolve the unhappiness in your home help the victim who suffered all this...Be brave..Be strong...I know it would not be easy but it must be done...

Dont be afraid, it happens to a lot of people, and sometimes staying quite and keeping it all in is not the best thing to do because it can cause more problems later on in life. I suggest to see a counselor someone who you feel comfortable with and just let is all out. they wont change the past but you will feel much better once you get it off your chest. you can do it get on your feet dont be afraid , no one is going to judge you , you need to get help. no one can help you unless you are willing to be helped. ill pray for you , God is great

I hope things can be somehow worked out.

ive been on the other end of the lies, i told my family and the police got involved but my mom told the police i told her i was lying and left me for him even though he broke down in front of her and the rest of the family crying and admitted it, now i dont speak to them any of my family, i tried for a while because she was dying and i was gtting married and she convinced me to let him walk me down the isle, but its torture to see someone you love pick the easy way over you i have nightmares and cry all the time because my family betrayed me just because it was easier im not trying to be mean just remember i bet shes hurting far more than you

I can understand ... the price you are paying is the price of being good and wanting a good family. Dont know when but belive me one day you will speak - may be not to all but to few and feel better. May be the process has begun here where you can share and feel better. You dont have to carry the load alone. Share it with strangers - there is no fear of rejection when there are no known faces around.

I see a therapist once a week and she has helped me through a lot of the abuse that I went through as a child. I would highly recommend researching one nearby that you might be comfortable talking to. I have a lot of trust issues, but I trust my therapist because of confidentiality agreements. It's a start. Maybe you should think about it. It is not worth being miserable for the rest of your life because you are worried about other's opinions of you. Taking the first step (talking about it) takes a lot of stregnth and courage. Good Luck!!

sometimes you just have to put No1 first, do it break away, it may not work out but on the other hand could be the best move you have ever made, thing is you wont ever know unless you try.

There is NOTHING wrong with seeing a counselor or therapist! You have a LOT to gain from it. I've been and lots of other people I know, too. Most people just don't talk about it. PLEASE say you'll go so you can begin healing and have a great life. If you don't go, there's a lot better choice other people will "know" you have problems if you continue to carry the weight around and deal with them on your own; the counselor will teach you how better to think about and deal with what happened AND how to have a positive approach to your life going forward. This problem/situation does NOT have to define who you are and you can be!

First off im very sorry you have to deal with that atrocity. Its never easy to know something so terrible that it ruins your life on a daily basis. The only thing that I can tell you is that you should try to be strong and better yourself,go to college or search for something that can help you get out on your own. The other advice would be to see a therapist or councilor and get it off your chest to them. Or you can just tell your whole family and bring it out in the open,expose it,the truth will always set you free. Talk to GOD and ask Him what you would do. He is always listening even if u dont think so and he will answer you,just believe it hun..and please be safe...

I think a lot of us can compare to what you're going through, such as wanting to start all over, wanting to let the pain, and bad memories go away. But just like under any circumstances you have to stop and think things in a calming manner. I know it's hard, but you have to learn that a hot and frustrated head isn't worth anything. First of all you should get therapetic help, of course it's your choice but in all honesty it really does help you in terms of reflecting. Just because you're venting to someone who's qualified to hear you doesn't make you weak or disabled. It will make you stronger because you would be accepting help and you would be gaining trust. As for wanting to move out, you could always look for apartments that need roomates. You can look for it online, wether it be in a library computer or a friends, you could look in pennysaver, or newspapers. The thing is you can't let what's happened bring you down and crush you. You have to take from the experience and know that it will be something that has made your skin thicker (stronger). Have courage, and take steps forward. NOT BACK. Also know that your sister didn't deserve what happened to her, and that she also needs therapetic help. Unite with eachother and help eachother out. YOU CAN DO THIS :D

Then do it dude. If it don't feel right, it ain't. Move out, move on. If the guy's a ******* **** like that, tell him. What's going to happen? Ignoring ****'s easy. I do it all the time (it's called life in Oregon). But when I get into a situation where I don't feel right and nothing's changing for the better, no matter what I try, I move out and onward. That's the kind of thing that shouldn't go the way it is. Beat his ***, man, and let him know what's up. Or at least make your plans to move out, and when everything is set, do it, and then maybe send a letter or give him a piece of your mind before you leave. But take care of yourself.

tell ur family u need to talk about it w someone

i know hw it feels cos i have been happened to me .i try to 4get and pretend to too but its still there and i can look him in d eye unless we are arguing....and dats everytime i try to talk to him.he doesnt act lyk it but i feel it hanging btw us.

This unspoken secret is not yous to hide from or be ashamed of. Years ago when I was a child I was pregnant wit my fathers baby. To hide the family"s shame my poor little baby was killed before having even the chance to kmow life while even inside of me. No one was ever charged with any crime. I was hidden away until I healed, at least they thought I had healed. Please dont hide shame that is not yours to hide. Speak up! It is our placed, the abused, to stand up for our futures and all the little ones who may someday be spared because someone spoke up.Please help the little children. God bles and I will say a prayer for you.

simpleheart,, you poor dear,,,whos lookin after you ?/// both of you need serious help,,,and a genuine hug,,,,how do you both trust anyone?? i am in tears you poor babies,,, go and tell the world write that book together,,,,solve both your problems,,,or these people will and are probably still doing this,,,think about the current or next victims too,,these people dont stop untill they are caught<br />
with me it was work colleges above me wen i was an apprentice,,i waqs tolde to put up with or lose my job,,,eventually i told my dad ,,,once he knew the volcano went up ,,,he exposed them all and the count of their victims was horrendous,,,,but he didnt stop there he put paid to the abilities of one to do anthing again and got away with it ,,,,see,,,thats how it effects others it spreads like a disease and needs eradicated ,,,u will feel better in yourself knowing you stoppede it spreading my darlings trust me,,,i know,,,,,,,,,,,,,i still bear the scars but the pain has ceased just the memory that seems to linger ,,but knowing i helped put this down makes me feel so much better,,,,,,,,,with my love,,,,,,xxxx


how am i selfish? all you know is what i put...which is my views and my torment, i am not blind to what my sister went/is going through, and no she does not have to see him, i never once said that he still lived there, he was kicked out as soon as it was known, she is getting help she was sent to a hospital to help and cope with all of this, shes been away for years, the whole reason i wrote this was to get hope and support not to be told how selfish i am! i need help to cope with this as well! she has to deal with this yes, but so doesnt her whole family including me, so no i am not selfish in the least bit, you are close minded and cold to think i am, maybe i should post some rude and hurtful comments on your stories as well but i am not that person and never will be, i feel sorry for you.

~HUGS~ and wow- be strong, even your speaking here with us will help you overcome. But I do recommend help- secrets break souls in the long run- an unattended wound.... it cracks after time. Atleast if healing begins there is a scar- which at least won't split on you.

While most would tell you it's not "weak" to see a therapist, I know that even an intellectual understanding of that fact in your pre-frontal cortex isn't going to be able to override the associative and emotional belief of that in your amygdala/limbic-system. So..... I say see the therapist in a different context; not as somebody who's broken down by it all, but as somebody who needs to vent their anger, and figure out what you'd like to say in a paraphrased "I'd like to [blank] that f****ng ***** for what he did!". Then as you get more comfortable with the whole process, you'll undoubtedly become okay with talking about your true feelings, but it'll still be YOUR choice if you want to talk about them at all. <br />
<br />
<br />
Weakness and strength are abstract concepts; nothing more than an arrangement of synaptic pathways. Don't think of yourself as *being* weak, think of the fact that you can train your brain and re-wire it to be as strong as you'd like. If you think you're weak now, that's just because you need to rearrange some plugs on the motherboard.

your are sick that is it .life is a selfish game be more practical divide things into productive and unproductive. before thinking about anything see wether it is helpful for your growth or not if not dont think about it ,secondly learn empathy ,last there is nothing wrong in that because if the same thing has happened in other country you may not feel u r bounded with u r culture and society think out of the box .

I know that the family fear to destroy lose its respect if it outline openly Continue talking about it in a p<br />
owerful manner of rejecting undesirable behavior.Call for prayers and your brother proberly

You can do it. It may be rough at first but you will be ok. You just have to make up your mind.

If your brother has been kicked out of the house, that lump under the rug may not be too far under it as you might think. Talking about this is hard for everyone, mainly because they don't know how to voice it. Going to therapy is good and if you can get the whole family to talk to a therapist it would be even better.<br />
You talk of moving out and how difficult it is for you sister to come home. If you could find an apartment that you and your sister could share, near the hospitals and other facilities, that she gets help, it would be ideal. You might even find a job helping people there too. I found that in helping people, I end up helping myself too.<br />
You can hate what people do but don't have to hate the people. Unless your brother isn't owning up to what he did, that's one thing but if he is goin to meet him for coffee to talk, sending him letters won't hurt either one of you.<br />
Have you parents help you in this by telling them it would be easier for your sister and you if you moved out. Your parents may be relieved, by the way you don't even have to say what the problem is, they already know. I know it's hard to have to just get home and end up going right back to the hospital. I think this will help you a lot. Let me know what you think about this.

Unfortunately I can relate to your sister, my brother molested me when I was 8 and continued for a good while. I've suppressed these events so much that I can't remember my childhood moments around those times. My father knows but didn't do anything about it. No one else in my family knows so I feel trapped. My friends helped me get through depression and now I'm seeing a therapist.<br />
I understand how you feel though, I still talk to my brother as if nothing happened. I'm far too scared to confront the situation. I hate what my brother did to me, but he's still my brother. As crappy as it was to have happened, it did make me a better person.

I am so sorry for all of you. Have mercy. I am so sorry you deal with this. Now my problems feel petty. Although it all affects us differently.

I have read your story before, and commented, if Inexit wounded the site right their all but long gone. I wil say this, Find a third party NOT FAM NOT LAW NOT ALLGED FRIEND, work through what you need too. After your with piece of mind onbwhat is the right thing to do, take action. Weather its just dialog or epilogue of sharing, figure the safest way to heal your heart, then grow.

i am sorry for ppl.. there rude and no 1 cares. i am looking for sober chat rooms and found ur page. i hate that ppl think its ok to say hurtful things.. no1 knows but here for u an will pray for u and ur family...

Beat the sh*t out your brother, take your sister and walk out the door! There are thousands of places in the world who will help you. Hundreds of ministries who would help you. Tell the sanest family member you have and let your sister stay there or both of you, Press chargers against your brother because he will do it again to someone else

I'm sorry

I can't believe anybody could be nasty to you. Stuff like this needs to be talked about so people don't feel alone.

Same thing happened in my family. My sister and I told my mom what our step-father did. My mom and dad left and went for "a drive" leaving my siblings and I home freakin' out. Then they camne backhome later than nght and nothing was ever said about it again. He stayed in our lives and went around pretending everything was fine. My mom had not been married to my step-father but maybe a month or two - when I got in trouble with him. I was just nine years old and he told me to take all of my clothes and go ouitside (we lived out in the country). .He came out and beat me mercilessly with a belt for what seemed like hours. I was terrified. I could hear my siblings screaming for me frominside the house. I kept looking at the door waiting for my momn to come save me. But she never came. That day still seems like it happened yesterday. How could a mother allow that **** to happen and not do anything? I would KILL a man who laid a hand on my little girl. Why wasn't I worth saving? This man was more important to her than my siister and I! No one knew the truth. I protected them and lied for them. Mom was a Sunday School teacher and dad was a prominent man in our town. Their reputation and image was and still is so important to them. So for years my siblings and I kept up the facade. I still have so much anger and rage at her. I know it's not good for me, but I haven't been able to let it go yet. But I'm making progress.<br />
<br />
So this yearafter years of eating disorders and addictions - with the help of my counselor I decided to finally break the silence that was crippling me emotionally. I confronted them with the molestation and the naked beating and the hundreds of other incidents. Instead of getting support from my mom when I told her how thae abuse had hurt me so much - she minimized and denied and defended HIM. She said, "Everyone gets and *** whipping once in awhile." When she said that, it was just like she punched me in the stomach. It was like I was lookin at that door waiting on her to rescue me and she STILL didn't come. She got mad at me and called me a liar and I basically told her I was done with her and was not going to let her hurt me any more. I'm 45! I am claiming my life back and I am going to give myserf that nurturing that I never received from them. It hurts to be apart from my family, but for the most part it was such a liberating decision. I don't hear about her gossip and hurtful crap. Out of sight out of mind. I have my wonderful kids, a great man and lots of friends. I don't need that toxic crap - family or not. <br />
<br />
Thanks for sharing your story

I keep things simple. Its not your fault at all. Its the people who made those choices who are to blame, not the people who try to roll with the punches. Try to give forgiveness but dont forget what happened. Living with hate in ur heart is a bad way to live, no 1 who hates is ever truely happy bcuz they r constantly aggravated by what they hate.. Just do your part to make the world a better place as best ya can

I can feel you,just show ur sister lot of lov

Thank you for writing this from your heart, just as it is. I could have written this story. I totally understand and empathise with your situation. Unfortunately, even when the issue is out in the open, the sick family dynamics continue. I am glad that you are engaged. I strongly advise you to have pre marriage counselling. And I most sincerely hope you get to be out of the family home and living independently asap. But, they are still your family. You don't stop loving them and belonging to them just because there are some pathological behaviours there. You sound like you are doing an awesome job, by the way.

I'm sorry that people have been so unkind about your situation. Like you said, no one can judge b/c they haven't been in your shoes. I'm thinking of you & your loved ones. I'm not sure how to work through what you all have been through but take it one day at a time <3

u need to go in to ur acount anf get rid of the spam , iv flaged them

I can definately relate to this story from your sisters point of veiw. I was the youngest and he was the oldest half brother. I never once blamed or resented my <br />
2 other brothers for what he did. But honestly All ive ever wanted was to see him pay for what he did to me. Hell just to see him beaten to a pulp would make me feel better, that and to never see him again. Sorry but to me being molested by a blood relative is unforgivable. I will never forgive my brother for what he did to me! But my other brothers had nothing to do with it so Theres nothing to forgive!! . I think your a good brother for keeping your relationships with the 2 separate. We dont get to choose our family but we shouldnt have endur their wrath if that makes sense.

the first thing u need to do sweetheart is to forgive your brother openly in front of the family then tell him he has to ownup,fessup and face the laws or he is likely to do it again ,,if he dont tell them u will !,,or it will eat at u for the rest of your life,, i know i have been there too,, once you done that he will be able to make repairs in life to his best abilities if he willin like,, and remember this is not your doing or fault ,,,,<br />
first steps are the hardest <br />
hugs to u xx

While going to a therapist sounds scary, it can actually help you. Therapists don't judge you, they listen and kind of help your thoughts.The only thing is you have to find a good therapist. A good therapist is very patient and will not judge you. I've been going to therapy for a few months now because of my depression, and I love it. Don't be afraid to be vulnerable because someone out there does understand. So, maybe I haven't been through what you've been through but I can easily see how that could make someone so mixed up and afraid. Most likely you won't forget, but you can heal.

wait till u get to my level of depression... then it wont matter anymore!! ._.

Hey, keep up your spirit, time is a great healer.<br />
I was abused as a child, but I have a loving wonderful family for over 22yrs now.<br />
It is not true that all abused go on to abuse, most people dont even believe me when I tell them, because of the way I appear to them. They see me as strong, confident, supportive and a solid reliable person. They are correct, but it didnt change the mountains I climbed to get there ! <br />
I was also subjected to systematic abuse whilst in the care of the local authorities for my own protection !! I witnessed staff abusing my peers and teenagers abusing younger children. We were called trouble makers if we tried to report it and we were picked on. <br />
Stay strong and focus on the positive things in your life, or create some positive things in your life. I turned to music & became a musician & transformed my outlook on the world, which used to be very bleak. You are not responsible for what happened in any way shape or form.

I'm so sorry. You can always message me.

HUGS, im sorry you have to go through such a horrible thing in life,nobody deserves to have this happen to their family. I hope youre brother can find the help he needs,along with you and your sister finding peace and moving on as best as you can-much love

I can relate quite well, when i was 5, my uncle molested me, and my family has kept it under the "rug". I have ben raiesd to except it, and no one has ever brought it up. iv told my mom, and all she has done was say that i must be mistaking him with somone els. its hard knowing the truth and evryone telling you your lieing. if you ever need anyone to talk about it, or anything, im always open to conversation. i know im only 16-17, but wisdom doesn't come with age, but with experiences.

Your therapist's job is to help you improve the quality of your life, not to judge you. This being such a delicate but tense and horrid situation, you may want someone to hear you out and help you along. It won't show that you're weak. It'll be you taking steps to make your situation better. Good luck honey :(

I think you're on the right track. You're doing really great and you're absolutely right, NO ONE has the right to judge you on this matter. None of these people even know you or your family so they have no clue what's going on and sometimes things are a hell of a lot more complicated than they seem. Good luck to you on your road to personal understanding and hopefully the road to some sort of recovery for your family. :) It seems like you are introspective enough to find your way.

Find your own outlet to let it out, don't care about what people think of you and just do whatever it is you have to do to be happy. This isn't a way to live, do what you must.

i understand more then most what this kind of thing can do to a family. as i am in the same boat as your sister. i was molested by one of my older brothers when i was 5. my parents never called the police or anyone to help. i have never gotten therapy or any type of professional help. i am 16 now. i still live with both of my brothers. i grew up and at the age of 15 was molested again by my great uncle. i still have yet to get help. depression has kicked in, and all that is left for me to do is cut myself and hope that my pain on the inside will bleed out to the outside. literally. people need to learn to have more compassion for those of us who don't have PERFECT lives.

I hear what your saying this situation is horrible and you have done nothing but your best to cope for all concerned, All you are asking for is some empathy. In families like yours the atmosphere can be cut with a knife and it is hard to discuss smaller matters. Things are precariously balanced and there is fear if you open your mouth the whole family will erupt, implode or divide. You want the best for everyone obviously. I hope there is a way you can visit your sister more whilst she is in that facility because it will show how much you love her, Write to her as much as you can that will be healing too. Perhaps you could subtly mention to mum you are going for therapy over what happened or put it in a note, leave it at that and if she asks hopefully you can tell her it's going well and that might open up a dialogue and introduce her into therapy too. I am sorry you have gone through judgment and criticism. I think you are doing incredibly well all things considered. Love and hope to you

Hey, Chenadoll19,<br />
I know how it can be with such heavy weights on one's shoulders. Though I do not have an account of sexual abuse, I have lived an equally melancholy life. Depression bites. I've always been one of those super- independent people who never ask for help, but in my last breakdown, I realized that I do need help. I used to think the same way-- asking for help means that I am weak. On the contrary, we are both wrong. You're a stronger person for having the epiphany that told you that you need to get over it and be the best sibling you can. Also, I personally believe that you should cut your brother out of the picture; he's hurt your family so much, he's not worth having in your lives. You and your family are worth more than that. Hopefully, you and your family, in unison, can come to terms with this ordeal. As you stated, that "bulge" is still there: it's still giving your family incredible hardship, as can be witnessed by the state your sister is in. <br />
<br />
I wish you the very best brightest future, Chenadoll19. :)

I really admire you... You are facing such a situation strongly... I don't know..... You rock.... Be strong for your sister and ignore others words.... People talk **** about us all the time no matter what.... I am sure things will get alright soon enough... <br />
If you ever need a person to vent, I am a fairly good listener.... Take care sweety....

my brother sexually harassing me and i feel that i cant talk about this subject with any one what should i do i feel disgusting although i try to escape all the time im so scared and some time i want to kill him

well... I grew up in a house with secrets that no one talked about so I understanding where you are coming from. for example I told my mother about my grandfather on my fathers side and who was coming for a visit and she told me to tell my father which she knew I couldn't do so nothing was ever done, I just avoided him and maybe he thought I was too old to play games on. <br />
<br />
My older half sister alluded to my dad having done something and my younger sister eventually said the same about my older brother. He was killed on a motor cycle so couldn't defend himself.<br />
<br />
after my brother was killed (the first of three brothers and a sister I've lost} it became a taboo to mention his name around my dad because it was so painful for him... I went many years without hearing his name until my dad had to drive me to work a couple of weeks for some reason? on the way there I would prattle on and occasionally mention my brother and some of the things we did as kids. he never said much but at least he listened and did know my brother through another s eye's and I felt like I had done something for myself too.<br />
<br />
that being said... you and I and anyone reading this are a product of a very long line of survivors. Our ancestors went through trials we can only imagine so that we can be here today. There were some who had to scratch and claw just to make an existence. There were some who went through rape, torture, pain and suffering beyond knowing and survived so that we could be here today, and.... there are some who fell by the wayside because they couldn't survive.<br />
<br />
today for the most part we have comfort and ease our ancestors couldn't begin to imagine. <br />
but still we have not progressed past the point where whatever it is? genetics? emotions? that there are some who just cannot survive their lives. There are events or maybe even just one event in their life they cant get around. I know because I struggle myself, sometimes tooth and nail lol. but I have a fairly good dose of "I can make it" from my parents and I'm still here leading a fairly functional life.<br />
<br />
I hope your sister recovers herself... a sister is a good thing to have and so is a brother. I would give a lot to have any of mine back.

Hi after reading your story and all comments.I think you will know when its right to stop your brother before he does it to someone else I do not know the full story but I do not think that this is a one off I believe he is sick and needs help as much as you a close member of my family has been brave enough to confide in her mentor that the beast as I call him has been doing this to family members for decades and works with vunerable children and adults we are waiting for this to come to court and he cannot do this to anyone else. yours hungertolearn

I'm so sorry this happened to you...

I dont even pretend to know wot your going through but you are not in anyway weak or broken, it sounds to me that you have a strong but quiet determination and you want to try and protect everyone elses thoughts and feelings,but there has to be a cut off point where you say ok thats enough what about my feelings i hope these words can be of some solace take care and be strong m

I have the same situation... My younger brother is sick in the head and molested my two youngest brothers. He needs help but my family doesn't do anything about it. I am a very strong person and this might seem a little bitchy to say but I have been in your situation and I feel like you may need some consueling if that still bothers you. I am extremely strong and I understand that my brother is sick and to him it isn't wrong to do. My brother has tried to touch me before and I wad strong and got away from him and told my parents. You couldn't have changed anything. Stop worrying about the past. You seem like your trying to get attention by sharing that story. You do need to vent to a therapist and not online. People online can be jerks and crazy too. I highly suggest you see a counselor.

emeral yes,ur a very strong young woman ...i honor it with pride, being a woman of strength too, it will help u in ur journey in life

Why is all this **** advertising on this story? I have flagged it and hope someone in Ep has the decency to remove it all.

I'm sorry for the pain that this has caused you but if you allow this man to continue to run free then you are equaly guilty. You don't have to like this .but it is what it is. You may as well have been in the room. Violence against women is so pathetic and easy for an abusive man. What if it was you being molested would you feel the same way. Call the police and turn this rapeist/ child molester in.

I would never think of judging you, or your family. As a person who also suffers from depression I would like to pass on what works best for me. When I get in a similar situaiton, I allow myself to feel the pain. You don't want to hang on to it for a long time, just feel the pain, proess the pain (look at it and try to figure out what is making you feel such pain), and then ask God to remove that pain. Your not asking him to change what happened, it's just that he is better equiped than we are for dealing with it. That has helped me in the past and I know he will do it for you as well.<br />
<br />
God bless you, and all of your family

I would never think of judging you, or your family. As a person who also suffers from depression I would like to pass on what works best for me. When I get in a similar situaiton, I allow myself to feel the pain. You don't want to hang on to it for a long time, just feel the pain, proess the pain (look at it and try to figure out what is making you feel such pain), and then ask God to remove that pain. Your not asking him to change what happened, it's just that he is better equiped than we are for dealing with it. That has helped me in the past and I know he will do it for you as well.<br />
<br />
God bless you, and all of your family

This may show up twice because did it, but don't see it showing up. I do want to say that would never judge you, or your family. As a person who also suffers depresion I would like to share what works for me. When I find myself in similar situations I allow myself to feel the pain. Y ou do not want to hang on to it for a long time, but you do need to feel it. After you feel it you want to process it. Ask yourself what is it that is making me feel this way. Is it that my values have been broken, and or you have fear that he could have hurt her, or even you. After processing, then I ask God to take this pain away. Your not asking him to change what happened, but to take away the pain you are feeling. This is a process I have used many time, and has worked quite well. God bless you and ALL of your family.

Dear Chenadoll 19,<br />
Please remember that holding on to shameful secrets will make you sick. Only in truth and the light of day will the secret lose it's power and hold over you and others. Perhaps maybe you think you have too much to lose if you spill the beans, perhaps you may lose your place to stay if you do share the truth. What about saving just 20 dollars or so a week and call it your "freedom fund?" Also, I have found that sometimes we just can not possibly get the (healthy) relationship that we need from our folks. They simply are not capable (for whatever the reason) of doing so. I know, I chased my Mom around for years (even after she gave me up for adoption and had another child) only to find, that for my own sanity, I had to let the relationship go. She ended up committing suicide, but because I let her vanish from my life years earlier, my children were not affected by her toxic life. I in no way have a normal life now, I isolate from others, work too hard and am bullied by my bosses, and find it hard to connect with other women. Probably because of my failed relationship with my Mom and the lack of healthy life skills that I need to successfully interact with others. I do know that if I'm quiet and keep my feelings to myself at home, I am left alone, but if I share my feelings or stand up for myself, my son verbally abuses me. I am finally now able to reach out for therapy and learn to receive the tools that I need to be a happy well rounded adult. Also, I have chosen a career and educational path that will keep me occupied for the next 8 years (I'm currently 48) with studying and learning in my new career path. But at the end of my journey, even with the amount of student debt I will have, I will be afforded to live the financial life I never before thought I might achieve. I hope you find your way out of your unhappy surroundings, I really do. But for me, it has been a long, hard journey. One that I'm still working on that I hope will lead to joy and happiness. I wish that for all of us, each and every one. :)

It is okay. I am glad you have an outlet. You cannot let this fester inside you. I am so sorry you are going through this. I am in a similar situation with my brother being someone that was abused by a member of my extended family. It has destroyed my Mom and her side of the family. I know what it is like to have to paint on a smile and pretend. It is so not how anyone should live. I hope to god your brother gets help, you sister recovers emotionally and your family to get on the road of recovery. Know you are not alone.