Touched By Older BrotherI'm 26 years old, I've been raped twice in the past couple of years and I regularly go to therapy to deal with this. In the mean time I am learning what rape means and reflecting back on different incidences on my life. I am confused about something that happened to me as a little girl.
When I was about 7 or 8 and my brother was about 11 or 12, he used to bring me to his room, pull down his pants, lie on the carpet and tell me to put his penis in my mouth. I did it, cuz he was my brother and I trusted him. I didn't really like it but he would convince me to keep it in my mouth for as long as possible. I didn't know anything was wrong with it at the time. Then he would lick my vagina but I didn't like it so he would lick my *** cheek instead! I can't remember if it went any more invasive than that.
I also remember a time when we were in a hotel and I was staying in a room with my brother in the same bed. We were hanging out, he went to the bathroom and I decided it would be a good idea to wear nothing more than a cowboy hat. So I laid in the bed naked, in what I thought was a sexy pose, waiting for my brother to come out and 'play' with me. When he did come out he was horrified and we began to argue and when my parents heard us and asked why we weren't sleeping. He told them what I was doing and they were like, all confused and weirded out. And that was the end of that. I don't think he touched me after that.
Anyway, as I got older I saw it as something taboo and really embarrassing we did that I liked to pretend never happened. But I never considered it rape. So what is that? Is it 'exploration' and kind of normal? Is it molestation? I need to define this thing. I still don't have the guts to say it out loud to anyone, not even my therapist. I also tell my boyfriend everything and I don't even want to tell him this because I don't want him to have anything against my brother! Or even think anything negative of him at all. Because my brother is a really nice guy.
Thanks everyone. I can't wait to hear your thoughts.