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Touched By Older Brother

I'm 26 years old, I've been raped twice in the past couple of years and I regularly go to therapy to deal with this. In the mean time I am learning what rape means and reflecting back on different incidences on my life. I am confused about something that happened to me as a little girl.

When I was about 7 or 8 and my brother was about 11 or 12, he used to bring me to his room, pull down his pants, lie on the carpet and tell me to put his penis in my mouth. I did it, cuz he was my brother and I trusted him. I didn't really like it but he would convince me to keep it in my mouth for as long as possible. I didn't know anything was wrong with it at the time. Then he would lick my vagina but I didn't like it so he would lick my *** cheek instead! I can't remember if it went any more invasive than that.

I also remember a time when we were in a hotel and I was staying in a room with my brother in the same bed. We were hanging out, he went to the bathroom and I decided it would be a good idea to wear nothing more than a cowboy hat. So I laid in the bed naked, in what I thought was a sexy pose, waiting for my brother to come out and 'play' with me. When he did come out he was horrified and we began to argue and when my parents heard us and asked why we weren't sleeping. He told them what I was doing and they were like, all confused and weirded out. And that was the end of that. I don't think he touched me after that.

Anyway, as I got older I saw it as something taboo and really embarrassing we did that I liked to pretend never happened. But I never considered it rape. So what is that? Is it 'exploration' and kind of normal? Is it molestation? I need to define this thing. I still don't have the guts to say it out loud to anyone, not even my therapist. I also tell my boyfriend everything and I don't even want to tell him this because I don't want him to have anything against my brother! Or even think anything negative of him at all. Because my brother is a really nice guy.

Thanks everyone. I can't wait to hear your thoughts.
Gwenaelle Gwenaelle 26-30, F 5 Responses May 6, 2011

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You are not alone. I believe this happens in a lot of families. Children are very curious, and if not taught about sexuality by parents, they do experiment, especially in today's age of electronic means when they can see sex all around them. I believe if the sexual contact had continued beyond the age of accountability, then it would be abuse. Because the 2 of you were so young it was just satisfying your own curiosity. I do think you would benefit from counsel because as you get older it will come back to haunt you to the point of being confused, perhaps even unable to be intimate with your partner. A counsellor, the right counsellor, will walk you through this incident, and help you put things in perspective. I know, because I've been there.

i had a simineler experince but i wos about 5 years old .and it wos wit my uncle who wos 13, and he made sure i wos on my own . is tht normel 2?

Thank you so much for your comment Virgos. I feel because he was only a child that he didn't really do anything wrong. And don't feel anything negative towards him for it.

Just a quick note - none of these experiences with your brother was rape.<br />
Not at all.<br />
And to make you feel a lil better bout it... I'm sure this happens between siblings more often than you think it does. Especially during childhood.<br />
<br />
When I was 7-9 yrs old, I would hump & kiss on my friend. She was roughly the same age as I.<br />
And, despite common logic telling me that we were only experimenting with one another... I still felt soo guilty bout it. Almost dirty.<br />
But time has taught me well over the years, and I now fully realize that what my friend & I did was fairly common.<br />
<br />
Wish you all the best, hun!<br />
Maintain your good relationship with your brother & remind yourself that you were only children when this happened.<br />
<br />
PS: Don't tell your boyfriend! More than likely... he would react in anger.

When your brother had you put his penis in his mouth.... thats molestation.<br />
But, your naive idea with the cowboy hat could be considered exploration.<br />
Seeming as by that point you probably thought of your sexual type relationship with your brother as normal behavior between siblings.<br />
<br />
I believe that your brother probably is a nice guy!<br />
Anyone reading this story *must* remember that he too... was still a child when all this was going on.