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Just Going For It

In September of last year, my life did a complete turnaround. In my mind, although it was stressful at times, I had an amazing life with everything going for me. I was in my third year of college, getting fantastic grades, lining things up to study abroad in Paris, working a job that I loved, had a very loving family, and a lot to look forward to. And in a matter of a week, almost all of that went away. It took about a month for the rest of it to go.

While filming an event for school, I lost my sight temporarily, and ended up in the hospital. I came home with no muscle coordination on my right side, with no possible explanation. It was a few days before the left side of my body went too, leaving me unable to walk or even lift my arms. This lead to a couple of weeks in different hospitals, followed by six months worth of doctors appointments, and a whole ton of misdiagnoses. Finally, I was diagnosed with a chronic illness called POTS, and I got on the road to treatment. However, I've had to completely change my lifestyle. I no longer am able to work, I can't be very physically active, and I can't do a lot of the things that I used to do. I had only planned on leaving college for the semester, but I found out that with being set back that far, I would have no possible way of graduating on time, and therefor would lose all of my scholarship money.

In between this whole medical mess, I lost the people who I needed the most: my family. In October, I had years of repressed memories of sexual abuse come to the surface. My favorite family member, my grandma's husband, had molested me throughout my whole childhood, and I chose to block it out. So here I was, learning that the man I loved most in my life was my biggest betrayer. While I thought there would be a simple solution to the problem, it didn't work out that way. I figured by telling my nearest family members, including my grandmother about it, that I would have a support system. I was wrong. Instead, everyone in my family aside from my mother, insisted that I should have never brought it up, and it was inconveniencing the family. Apparently I was the only one who didn't know this had happened, and everyone else chose to just brush it under the rug. No one in my family associated with me for months, and things will never go back to normal with them. I lost my grandpa, because I never knew that he was a monster. I lost my grandma, because she chose to side with him. And I lost the rest of my close family, because they chose to side with her.

So now, here I stand. I have no job, no money, nothing to show for my time and accomplishments in college, a family who may as well not even be here, and a chronic illness. In a way, I've been forced to start a new life, but I have decided to go about it my own way. I am moving away in less than a month to attend school for special FX makeup. It was my plan for after college, but I decided I'd rather not delay it. I will be there for a year and a half, and I don't plan on returning home often. I want to get out of there with the potential to fulfill my dreams, and a whole new group of people to surround myself with. I'll be living on my own again, independent, on the road to my career.

While I am so excited to be getting out of here, I have to admit that I'm terrified. I haven't told anyone how afraid I am of failure, because I want to appear strong and optimistic, but I honestly don't know how all of this is going to work out. I don't have much stamina at all, and one of my many POTS symptoms is loss of coordination in my hands. A lot of days, I can't even write my name, and I'm going to be taking classes on sculpting. This has been my dream for as long as I can remember, and I don't know what I'll do with myself if I can't make it through school. I try not to think about the potential of failing, but it plagues me sometimes.

Yet, the only way I'll ever succeed is if I try. So I'm just going for it, and hoping for the best.
timburtonrox11 timburtonrox11 18-21, F 86 Responses May 10, 2011

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And here you are, still the same lovely person

Please know wherever you go, God is always with you right there next to you always. I ask that Jesus always keep Hos impenetrable bubble of protection completely around you always. Amen. Please keep in touch; garyschumann@hotmail.com. If you write to me I'll give you my cell number. Soft kisses Gary. Warm hugs. X x x x x

This really touched me. Thank you

Hang in there! I really hope there will be better times for you. Its so sad people choose the wrong people just to keep the 'peace'.

u contact me , m also die, nd i want strt new life.+91 9004004053

Courage is a powerful flame. Use it to blaze your own path in life and under no circumstance let anyone try to snuff it!! good luck

Wow..haha you made me cry. You are a strong and determined woman, and I can assure you that you will reach the highest mountain. <br />
My thoughts and prayers are with you, xoxox.

God bless you! You are so strong. I've been facing my own situation lately and had trouble going on, but you've inspired me so much. I wish you the best! You won't fail!! You've done so much already! It's cliche but please keep your head up.

OMG<br />
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I was so sad to read your story :(<br />
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the illness that you have is because you repressed that horrible abuse inside of you and it HAD to surface eventually...once you work through those emotions and trauma you will fidn that your illness will disappear... look into holistic healing approaches, hypnotherapy, regression therapy, reiki, quantum healing, and I would suggest going to see a clairvoyant someone who can give you some spiritual guidance and tell you hoe to heal this etc<br />
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you sound like you have a very positive outlook on life and you are still going to achieve all your dreams you have just got something to work through at the moment YOU WILL GET THROUGH IT and be a stronger person because of it :)<br />
<br />
I wish you well<br />
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

you can do it!

Keep ur head up im kinda in the same boat besides the whole melestation deal ive noticed people are going to luv and hate u regardless ur family dnt deserve u they will get wats coming to them but however it goes keep ur head up stay strong fill urself with new and bright ideas u can do it if i can live ur life to the fullest and someone will come into your life and give you more love than u can handle so just look at this as a minor speed bump in a long healthy loving life :):)

UPDATE: Hey everyone! Thanks again for all of your kind and inspiring words. I am currently in my second semester in school, and I have been doing quite well. I am succeeding in all of my classes, and only had to miss one class all of last semester. I have created a lot of nice work, and my dream of becoming a special fx artist is inching closer and closer. My health was good to me all of last semester, but this current one has been a lot more difficult. However, I will keep on truckin'. No worries! As for my family, things have gotten much better, since I am not in the same town as them and forced to deal with them on a regular basis. Now, it is as simple as seeing them and speaking to them on my own terms, and it is working out alright. I am so happy that you guys have been behind me throughout this journey. Things are really looking bright for the future. :)

wow that was a powerful story, it is awesome to see someone that having everything then one moment lose everything and still have the determiniation, with that fire in there eyes to move on with there life with keeping there head up high!!! and telling themself that they are going to do something with there life, u are one your road to redemption, u are going to be a success, just work hard, keep your head up high!! if u ever need a friend, i am here for u!!!! keep your head up, dont be afraid to go outside!! i admire u and respect u 100% justin

wow that was a powerful story, it is awesome to see someone that having everything then one moment lose everything and still have the determiniation, with that fire in there eyes to move on with there life with keeping there head up high!!! and telling themself that they are going to do something with there life, u are one your road to redemption, u are going to be a success, just work hard, keep your head up high!! if u ever need a friend, i am here for u!!!! keep your head up, dont be afraid to go outside!! i admire u and respect u 100% justin

Heartbreaking yet great story. You're a strong woman and I admired that a lot. best luck to you on your journey.

You have already lived in he'll from the way it sounds. The days ahead of you can hopefully be better. Your so called family has lost out on knowing a great person for not giving up, it is there loss for them<br />
Not Allowing you to be part of it. You have the strength to be a servivor. Good luck in proving what a great person that they lost.

I respect you for chasing your dreams and having the courage to move along after all that has happened to you.<br />
<br />
In a way I guess I'm starting a new life too. As a child I got abused emotionally and sometimes physically by my dad who was an alcoholic. After years of enduring the abuse, and a night of him in jail due to criminal damage and threatening me and my mum, he was forced to move out. A few months later, my mum got back together with him and he lives with us again, so I have to live with my dad after all he put us through. My very best friend sexually assaulted me a month or so ago and a few weeks ago my boyfriend dumped me on my 3 year anniversary for the one girl he promised he never had feelings for. I was suspicious about her for over a year, so after all his promises about nothing going on, being forced to live with my dad who abused me, and my most trusted friend sexually assaulting me, I thought I wouldn't be able to trust again.<br />
You've inspiried me to try my best to move on, even though things seem bad at the moment. I wish you luck for the future.

Stay positive, stay focused and always aim high. Never ever drag yourself down into despair. Surround yourself with friends always be prepared to give support then you will receive the support you need. May your life be blessed as is your example.

I really got moved with your story, the steps you have set to take really motivate me. The reason is that I myself i'm facing similar challenge, and my own is family hatred.<br />
I happened to be the most brilliant person in my family, my both parents are late, i stay with my relative cos i dont have enough money to get an apartment for myself and my relative i stay with hate seeing me progressing. All their plan is to see me going down.<br />
<br />
Anytime i decide to start a project that will ehance my life, my family will not suport me and hate me the more, instead they will discourage me and find different means to frustrate me.<br />
<br />
Nobody to corperate with and nobody to confide in, everyday is like struggle without no end. I cry almost everyday!<br />
<br />
But now, i have decided to start any odd job i can get and try to save as much i can. Maybe in next 6 months, i would have gathered some money and then move away from my relative and get a room apartment in far away distance to begin a new life.<br />
<br />
I have this plan hot in my mind, but sometime, fear to cope when i will be alone always bothers me! But no matter how it may be, i just have to take the step!

I really got moved with your story, the steps you have set to take really motivate me. The reason is that I myself i'm facing similar challenge, and my own is family hatred.<br />
I happened to be the most brilliant person in my family, my both parents are late, i stay with my relative cos i dont have enough money to get an apartment for myself and my relative i stay with hate seeing me progressing. All their plan is to see me going down.<br />
<br />
Anytime i decide to start a project that will ehance my life, my family will not suport me and hate me the more, instead they will discourage me and find different means to frustrate me.<br />
<br />
Nobody to corperate with and nobody to confide in, everyday is like struggle without no end. I cry almost everyday!<br />
<br />
But now, i have decided to start any odd job i can get and try to save as much i can. Maybe in next 6 months, i would have gathered some money and then move away from my relative and get a room apartment in far away distance to begin a new life.<br />
<br />
I have this plan hot in my mind, but sometime, fear to cope when i will be alone always bothers me! But no matter how it may be, i just have to take the step!

You're one special person. I don't know how you have survived with all that. Sorry you had to go through all of that. I really hope things work out well for you :)

In reading through your story, the first thing I was struck by is the impression of incredible strength. You may not be aware of it yourself, but you must be an amazingly strong person to have gone through all you're going through, and yet maintain such a force of personality, focus and determination. <br />
<br />
I have no fear of failure for you. You may stumble, but you're going to get up again. It might be rough going at points, but you have the spiritual stamina to carry you through. Don't be quick to call something a "failure" if it doesn't happen as readily or easily as you hoped. The secret of success is to inure yourself to "failures". The Japanese saying is, "Fall down seven times, get up eight."<br />
<br />
Be honest about your condition with your professors and close classmates. You don't sound like the sort of person who wants pity--just understanding, and I'm sure they will admire and support you all the more for your determination to overcome your obstacles. <br />
<br />
Thank you for sharing your story. You've inspired me to shoulder my own challenges with more "true grit"! My prayers and best wishes go with you in your endeavors.

you're amazingly strong, you give me alotta hope.

Thanks again to everyone for the comments. You guys really are great. Tomorrow is the big day! And I can't shake this anxious feeling. Feeling anxious about change is new to me, and I'm not liking it. But it's definitely not changing my mind.

For years I didn't bother writing down my experiences. I felt my experiences were so mundane they didn't warrant recording, as who would want to hear them. In the past year or so I have realized that it is the daily battle and victory that inspires. My wife passed away a few days ago. I have spent, with her, 37 years of fighting chronic illness, and she had spent literally a lifetime battling auto-immune diseases. Your story reminds me that I need to record these for others. <br />
<br />
Fortunately, I have family support. I feel deeply for you and hope you can find some form of support. Don't let them win. Believe it or not, forgiveness is the best catharsis. That doesn't mean you have to trust them until they exhibit trustworthiness, but you have too much life ahead to waste your precious energy on stewing about it. You have seen what keeping it suppressed can do. Keeping it exposed and festering is just as bad. I know it's hard to understand, but just like being in the dark can make it easier to see the light, experiencing rejection, especially from those who should support us, can make us more aware of true love. May you also be more receptive to it through forgiveness.

It is OK to be afraid, just let the thoughts go out as quickly as they come in and don't become absorbed in them. Fear of change is normal. The sculpture class sounds great. Clay is a accepting, forgiving and has no desire to know perfection so you should just have fun with it. <br />
Dr. Dyer has a great quote on one of his tapes that goes something like, "Your friends are Gods way of apologizing for your family. My favorite quote is, This to will pass. I remind myself of that during both the good times and the bad times. Well, actually I look at the bad times as God answering my prayers. If I pray for the ability to forgive, it seems I will end up in a situation that if I want to remain happy I must learn to forgive. I always pray to be happy and I for the most part am.<br />
Regardless of what happens you will succeed, however how you define that word may change drastically. You may find out you already have.

You are tougher than you think you are and you'll make it. I'd recommend selfmadevip.com forum for you. Search Google for: <br />
<br />
"selfmadevip.com brian tracy audio"

What a strong woman, I admire you. You might have lost your family's support, but you've got new supporters here. Keep us posted on that journey. And please take care.

I just want to say that you are one brave and strong person. I know that things will eventually work out for you. Just go for it and don't give up. :) I am really glad I've read your story and although life has not been as hard as for your, if you sometimes need someone to talk, I'll be glad to talk to you. Stay positive :)

I have to say, I admire your courage. You go for it because fear of failure, is natural for everybody. I think, with the guts you have already shown, you have the confidence to do anything you set your mind to. You don't want to look back and think of the things you could have done. I wish you all the best for your future and happiness. :)

I think very highly of you resilience and resolve not to give in to discouraging negative. I think its only human to be discouraged from the extremely rough times you experienced. Yet despite your terrible blows you decide to strive in your life. Personally I don't believe one is a failure unless one thinks one is. Wondering if your suffering from depression. This is not to say what you are feeling isn't true, ie just in your mind. Quite the contrary. Experiencing a major setback for virtually anyone can cause rather negative emotions including ones of extreme self loathing. I refuse to use the tired old , simplistic cliche of just believing in yourself. Of course you should believe in yourself. OTOH you went through some traumatic serious hardships including both physical and psychological. Perhaps taking small incremental steps to get back in your life would be helpful to you.

@Revken - Thanks for the sculpting tips, and the tips on art in general. And also, no worries about trying to be nice. I think I can handle that, haha.<br />
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@freethelee - If I can do it, you can do it! So . . . let's do this!<br />
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@Dennis - YOU, sir, are an inspiration. Stories like yours are amazing. I'm so happy that you succeeded in the face of adversity, and it just goes to show that no one can use that as an excuse to become nothing. Does it ever make you angry when people choose to do nothing with themselves, get caught up in crime, etc. because they "didn't get along with their dad" or they "had a hard time growing up?" It doesn't have to be that way, and you are living proof. Congrats!<br />
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@discosue and boisie - Thank you so much for the encouragement. And I'm flattered to be a source of inspiration.

i wish u the best of everythin ever and u will emerge victorius at the end of it all.

Yes for sure what a story of sadness, i agree with the other supporters here keep up the good work and stay strong,always look foreward.<br />
You have heard the saying "there is always a bad apple in the bussel basket", well like you, i was the bad apple too.I lost my mother when i was only 7 years old,my father hit the road and never seen him again, nice dad right,.So my uncles came out to Cal. where my brother and i lived and took us to Mich. to live with them.It went down hill from there They split up my brother and i and put us in differ homes,now i lost my brother too,like i said dwn. hill.Some how i stuck it out.All of them said that Denny, me would turn out no good and be in jail soon. nice support right from your family.Well i kept trucking my way finished high school ,and went on to collage and graduated there too. To cap this story , i too was a bad apple like you and proved all of them wrong.So you have to do the same.Prove to your self that your stonger than them and will make it.THEY WERE THE BAD APPLES! please let me know if i can help you.<br />
your friend Dennis

You should be so proud of yourself for not letting those horrible things stop you from pursuing your dreams and living your life. I have also had a whole string of terrible things happen to me over the last 5 years and am having an extremely hard time getting my life together. I'm terrified too, so know you aren't alone. You're an inspiration to me. We can't let those things run our lives, because that option is even more terrifying. Keep going, I assure you you're a lot stronger than you think!

I won't try to be nice to you because the last time I tried to be nice to a woman who had been molested by her father, I was smacked-up-side-the-head, (figuratively) and was asked to leave my therapy groups at the hospital. All because I reminded her of her dad and said things that reminded her of him. I was told I would have to leave because I was "inappropriate." I've been very cautious about what I say. <br />
But I will offer a simple statement of what I hope is not Inappropriate, and a bit of advice about your sculpting, because prior to my expulsion I had potential as an artist and a sculptor. My medications or possibly the direct hit on my ego I've not felt a single creative urge.<br />
So! Here goes. <br />
I am proud of you!<br />
Now for the advice.<br />
Don't worry about your fear of your hands not working the way you think they should when sculpting. I suggest working in clay or wax, both have a therapeutic effect on the hands as well as the mind. Use natural clay, and not the greasy plasticene kids stuff that stains. Use nice dark brown modeling wax, (it becomes more pliable with the heat of your hands. Now for the important part. We are not perfect and we should not strive to make our art perfect. Artists are constantly making mistakes, imperfections if you will, hence the true artist learns to be comfortable with that reality and endeavors to use those as an integral part of their works. Those imperfections will be incorporated into your style or signature that makes your work "you" or recognizable as yours. To simplify; Don't be afraid or embarrassed of your mistakes, learn to make them work for you. Use them!<br />
<br />
In a way you are doing that now. That's why I am proud of you. Good Luck and Enjoy Your Life.

i also wanted to start a new life but i couldnt do it,telk your self you can do it!

Wow, that made me cry. Look into an herbal Dr. A good one thats not a fake can help you without all the drugs. I hope it all works out for you!

I do think there could be a connection between your childhood trauma and your illness. The absolute best book I've seen on the subject is called, "Waking the Tiger" by Peter Levine. It describes the way that traumatic experiences are held in our bodies, the problems this can cause us, and the ways to heal from them. <br />
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In addition to books and online support, I'd really recommend that you try to find some real, live people to talk to. Google "adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse" and do some research. Hopefully you will find support groups in your area that are free or very inexpensive. If you can, I'd also try to find a therapist/counselor to work with. If you can find someone trained in somatic psychology (body oriented psychotherapy) that would probably be a really good thing for you to try. If cost is an issue, look and ask around- many private therapists offer a sliding scale to accomodate people without lots of money. <br />
<br />
I wish you the best.

Thanks Judmilla, I am actually a part of a group for it here on EP. For how rare POTS is considered to be, it seems like a lot of people have it, and it is mostly a young people's condition. My story about how I came to be diagnosed is pretty crazy. If you're interested, go to my stories and read it.

More thoughts on your story: I looked up POTS, it stands for Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome. In medicine, "syndrome" usually means a collection of symptoms which are recognised as going together, and considered to be real, but for which they don't as yet know a cause. Wikipedia said it is sometimes misdiagnosed as Generalized Anxiety Disorder. POTS has only been a defined syndrome since 1993. You are very lucky that they actually arrived at a diagnosis, and didn't simply write you off as a nutcase, which is what doctors tend to do if they don't have any answers. Have you looked into whether there are any on-line support groups for the syndrome? I survived one of the less-common cancers, and the on-line support group for it that I found was a life-line in the beginning, and after a time I became part of the life-line for more recently diagnosed people. Hang in there; life will get better.

I have a "thought for the day" posted over my desk (I don't know where it came from). It is....."Handle every stressful situation like a dog. If you can't eat it or play with it, pee on it and walk away".

I honestly don't think I can thank you guys enough. Ystei, I will definitely look into that book. I don't do too well with nonfiction, but I am sure that one is an interesting read. A book that a doctor suggested to me is called "Adrenal Fatigue: 21st Century Stress Syndrome", and I guess it's about how a lot of modern day illnesses, especially those affecting younger people, are caused by adrenal fatigue, and doctors don't even think to look into it. And 1Babe, I'm glad you earned some respect from your family. As I have learned myself, absence does one of two things. It either really does make the heart grow fonder, or it helps you to realize how much stronger you are without those people in your life. Your words of advice are very encouraging. Thank you.

There was a time in my life that I didn't talk to my family for 2 years. If nothing else, I showed them they couldn't treat me in this way. It won me some respect. <br />
It is a time when you need to get in touch with your feelings. Decide what you will and won't accept from the people in your life. You can only control your own actions. Cut out what is hurting you for good.<br />
God Bless

I am sorry to hear your story, but at the same time i am glad that you are strong enough to share your story! While i was reading, i suddenly started thinking of a book -Louise Hay - "Heal your body". It have helped me many times with my health and also to understand some of the reasons, why diseases and health-problems just strike us without any obvious reason. I believe it might help you.. <br />
<br />
Maybe your turnaround will bring you some fruits in the end? Much love and hope from me:)

you seem like a very strong willed person but still reaching for your goals even with all your struggles. I wish you the best of luck and pray that things will turn out as you plan.

you are such a strong person. your determination and your strong sense of self will get you through. go on your adventure. clean out your mind...focus on your own health and happiness...whatever that means for you! if possible...try to keep control of your health care plan. question all of the medications they put you on...they are usually quite harsh and synthetic...walk your own way...you will be the phoenix...all the love in the world your way as you plow through this ****.

Try to see this as an opportunity to start something new and even more exciting! I had to start from scratch after becoming very, very successful in my profession and then having a business partner screw me out of everything. I had worked for for years. Not nearly as personal and intimate as your betrayal, but just don't let the damages continue to hurt you. Starting over has a huge upside: you get to try again, and most people don't ge second chances, ever. Try to look at it that way: an opportunity to make a whole new life for yourself and for the people you care about. I lived in London for a while, and believe it or not, that radical change in setting was just what I needed to regain my excitement and romance with life. Just do it! Best of luck to you! I'm betting that you'll be a huge success and will have an even better life than you had wished for!

Jeez, no offence, but your family kinda sound like *ssholes. I can't say much besides "best of luck" and may your dreams come true.

All the best and please be strong ,you are the only you and you are amazing,I do not know you but you are the best you that has ever been.

This was really inspiring to me. About your family, I feel like I might go through the same thing if I bring up something that happened when I was younger. Not that they wont believe me, just that they'll say it was my fault. And about your illness, I'm really glad you're trying so hard. You have great goals and I hope you achieve them.

all da best dear.<br />
u are such an awesome and amazing girl.<br />
May God always bless u.<br />
<br />
Best regards,<br />
Anis

I am always sorry to read a sad post. My heart reaches out to you: your medical suffering --- and, worst of all, the emontional suffering at the hands of those whom you trusted.<br />
<br />
The good news is: kudos to you for having the courage to bring this to us. We all stand behind you.<br />
<br />
We all wish the best for you. You appear to be strong and determined --- very good attributes.<br />
<br />
Just do the best that you can do --- and be the best that you can be. No one could ask any better of you than that. IMO --- you're stronger than most of us. And we're all behind you. You have friends on this forum --- never forget that.<br />
<br />
Best regards and best wishes to you: Jim

Thank you all so much. These kind words really mean so much to me. I was astounded when I saw how many views this story has gotten. Baldkate, I am not sure I know who Suze Orman is, but I will certainly look her up. Thank you for the source of inspiration. You guys are awesome!

You are an amazing woman, darling!!! Be proud of your Beautiful and Courageous Self. You can achieve anything you want now as you have an indestructible inner strenght. God bless You!!!<br />
Lots of love,<br />
Joan/ Tatiana<br />
xxxxxxxx

u came alone in this world and u will leave alone...get it...so girl..live on your own terms...travel the world...experience nature and forget about the experience...because sometimes it is the closest people who hurt u the most....u can do it and u will do it....cheers...:)

u came alone in this world and u will leave alone...get it...so girl..live on your own terms...travel the world...experience nature and forget about the experience...because sometimes it is the closest people who hurt u the most....u can do it and u will do it....cheers...:)

It really makes me upset when I hear about this type of abuse going on and families just 'sweeping it under the rug.' I am just like you in that I, too, would have thought a 'simple' solution would have been to tell your family about it so that the situation could be resolved. <br />
<br />
I agree with the person who commented that he/she made the mistake of dwelling in the family betrayal instead of moving on. I think this is some good advice. I was in a situation once where I confronted a family member with a 'why did this happen and why did you/we all have to put up with it?" That took alot of courage for me to ask the question to a person who I saw as an authority figure in my ilfe, so I was proud of myself. What I didn't expect was the lame answer that came in reply and indicated a major lack of conflict resolution skills and an ability to confront and solve difficult issues. Funny, how you realize that the 'adults' in charge didn't always act the way you thought they should. ..and who suffers? The children. sigh.<br />
<br />
I wish you the best. Just had to rant in reply!<br />
I also agree with the person who said that as you come to deal with your emotions, some of your physical symptoms may go away or get better. I hope this happens in your case. <br />
<br />
Wishing you the best!

we found the power of God while we passing hardships, life thought me this fact, I am sure jesus will be with you once you ask his support...try to approch to him and enjoy his rest.

wait, hold on everyone knew about this and they just decided to forget about it. Words cannot express how angry that makes me. I simpathise so so much for you. Dont worry if your family can ignore things like that then they dont deserve to be in your life, maybe thats why you had those memories, you knew subconciously that you had to get away from them, but you could never do it. So now you are forced to but dont worry, you will find new friends. from what i have read about you it seems like you have a great personality when things go good for you. Just find that again and you will find a huge new group of friends. i believe you can do it

wait, hold on everyone knew about this and they just decided to forget about it. Words cannot express how angry that makes me. I simpathise so so much for you. Dont worry if your family can ignore things like that then they dont deserve to be in your life, maybe thats why you had those memories, you knew subconciously that you had to get away from them, but you could never do it. So now you are forced to but dont worry, you will find new friends. from what i have read about you it seems like you have a great personality when things go good for you. Just find that again and you will find a huge new group of friends. i believe you can do it

wait, hold on everyone knew about this and they just decided to forget about it. Words cannot express how angry that makes me. I simpathise so so much for you. Dont worry if your family can ignore things like that then they dont deserve to be in your life, maybe thats why you had those memories, you knew subconciously that you had to get away from them, but you could never do it. So now you are forced to but dont worry, you will find new friends. from what i have read about you it seems like you have a great personality when things go good for you. Just find that again and you will find a huge new group of friends. i believe you can do it

wait, hold on everyone knew about this and they just decided to forget about it. Words cannot express how angry that makes me. I simpathise so so much for you. Dont worry if your family can ignore things like that then they dont deserve to be in your life, maybe thats why you had those memories, you knew subconciously that you had to get away from them, but you could never do it. So now you are forced to but dont worry, you will find new friends. from what i have read about you it seems like you have a great personality when things go good for you. Just find that again and you will find a huge new group of friends. i believe you can do it

wait, hold on everyone knew about this and they just decided to forget about it. Words cannot express how angry that makes me. I simpathise so so much for you. Dont worry if your family can ignore things like that then they dont deserve to be in your life, maybe thats why you had those memories, you knew subconciously that you had to get away from them, but you could never do it. So now you are forced to but dont worry, you will find new friends. from what i have read about you it seems like you have a great personality when things go good for you. Just find that again and you will find a huge new group of friends. i believe you can do it

wait, hold on everyone knew about this and they just decided to forget about it. Words cannot express how angry that makes me. I simpathise so so much for you. Dont worry if your family can ignore things like that then they dont deserve to be in your life, maybe thats why you had those memories, you knew subconciously that you had to get away from them, but you could never do it. So now you are forced to but dont worry, you will find new friends. from what i have read about you it seems like you have a great personality when things go good for you. Just find that again and you will find a huge new group of friends. i believe you can do it

Thank you for choosing to share this story...Its amazing how you're holding on when the family turned its back on you. They not worth your regrets, you should be straight and complete with your decision. I'd recommend you to read the book "The woman that runs with a woilves" By Estes Pincolla: she's talking about very similar situation that you're in...It had made me very strong. And I was abused too in my childhood, and yet, don't know how to deal with that, but I didnt tell anyone...<br />
I know you will succeed and get through this!<br />
Go for it girl! Dont give up!

Well done.<br />
<br />
I have a hunch that your POTS illness may be connected with the repression of the childhood molesting. There may be ways to uncover this and thus open the way to complete recovery. If you feel like following this clue, email me m_kirke@yahoo.co.uk and I may be able to suggest something useful. This is only a hunch, though!<br />
<br />
Malcolm

Keep your spirit high. That more i can say. At least you have your mother beside you, I had my mother betray me too. I wanted the man who had molested me out of my family circle but she ignored it.

You are incredibly resilient, get it girl.

Pamann, how right you are about blocking emotions causing physical symptoms. I was suffering from several seizures a day that would leave me paralyzed for hours for about a month and a half, with no explanation. I would twitch uncontrollably in half hour to hour-long increments at random every day from September to the beginning of November. Because of that and other symptoms, I was suspected to have epilepsy, West Nile Virus, Lyme Disease, and a number of other medical problems. After weeks of testing, nothing was found, so the doctors gave up. The same day that I asked my mom about my past, and we talked about it, and I started to have actual memories of what happened, the seizures stopped completely. Those seizures were literally just those repressed memories coming to the surface and manifesting themselves physically. I've sought therapy, and I've been trying to restructure my life and create a new "normal" as far as my family is concerned. It's finally starting to work out, I think. I've also considered hypnotism to unlock the rest of those memories, just so I could rest at ease knowing how bad things did or didn't get during my childhood. However, I've been told that if you're physically ill, the strain that unlocking all of the memories at once puts on your body can kill you. I'm not sure if I believe that, but I would rather not chance it, I think. Perhaps someday. And unfortunately, as far as my POTS is concerned, it's probably caused by a heart problem I have, so it's chronic, and I don't think there's any getting rid of it. Again, thanks for the advice and words of encouragement.

Wow, what a life story for someone so young! I pray God blesses you with His Grace, mercy, and love for the rest of your life because you've already been through enough Hell for ten lifetimes. I want to add that having that emotional secret hidden away and blocked from your concious can manifest itself as a physical illness. I think you need to heal the emotional wounds either by self-help or professional help, and I believe that as you heal emotionaly, you will also heal physically. I've hidden past hurts inside and suffered physically for the past eight years. Only when I realized that I was 'stuffing' things emotionally inside of me and I started to deal with them, did I begin to heal. Research the mind-body connection. You are so worth a wonderful life. You will find 'real' friends and family again, and your future looks incredibly bright. Keep on going...I will be thinking of you and praying for you.

Fortunately I have my health but major issues have beset me also during my life.<br />
You have the right attitude and as the man said attitude is altitude. When things come to an end you can either leave the door open and keep looking back, or close it and look forward, which you have done.<br />
FEAR. False Emotion Appearing Real. We all feel this when moving into the unknown but it is also exiting. You will fail at many things, as you progress through life but if you keep your focus on what's next you will always succeed in the end.<br />
<br />
I wish you all the success you diserve and will achieve..

Tim<br />
I'm praying that God will turn things around - prayer changes things! You say you're starting a new life. Your fortitude inspires me; you will not fail. Start each day with a hand stretched out to the One Who said He will never leave or forsake us - even though the nearest and dearest have (Psalm 27 v10). I know that He will direct you to success and fulfillment.<br />
Anton

Thank you everyone for the kind words. They really mean a lot, and I really appreciate them. I really love EP for the reason that I feel that I am truly being judged as myself, and not by what other people have seen or heard. Thanks again to all of you for believing in me and also for the encouragement. And to Siouxiesioux, this isn't even eight months of my life story! I could write a book with the rest of it. Haha!

Wow! You have been going through a dark night of the soul. With your life as you knew it destroyed, you get to create a new one: the phoenix rising from the ashes. Bless you.

This is one dark night of the soul. You are a phoenix arising from your ashes. Good luck with creating your new life. Bless you.

Your's is one heck of a life story. I really hope you achieve your dreams. For every success and victory you have, it is one step away from the past, towards your future. X

This is your opportunity to rid yourself of the poison and negative influence that is in your life. Yours is not a loss at all but a liberation...think of this as finally being set free from a false existence that your entire family upheld at the detriment to you. What does that say about them? <br />
You are free to re-create yourself, your life, and to rise above all of it. I know how it is to walk away from people you thought had your best interests at heart....I have had it happen as well. Take the story you have just written and make sure your educators read it. Let them know where you are coming from and what you have accomplished and I think you will find that they just might make it their mission to help you succeed. I know I would. Hang in there...you are on a great adventure, you just dont know it yet.

Our situations are similar though I do not have the health issue. Otherwise, I lost my family and job in a short span. The main thing is you are moving on. No matter what, use that momentum and do move on. I made the mistake of not moving on and trying to understand the family betrayal and I got stuck in a depression. Your family does not love you. They love a model of you they have in their head. It is hard but there is no future in this for you.<br />
<br />
Moving away is the only thing you can do to avoid the immediate pain. I hope you return to good health soon.. I wish you best of luck and Godspeed. You are a great young woman, and you got things you need to share in this world.

WOW ! You are amazing, sending you all my love and best wishes !

WOW ! You are amazing, sending you all my love and best wishes !

Excellent story! I hope all turns out well for you. Good luck!

I can identify 100% with the challengers put to you having/are there myself in a lot of ways.<br />
I came across this quote on the net:<br />
<br />
If you're going through hell, keep going.<br />
Winston Churchill<br />
<br />
Wishing you all the best for your future.<br />
<br />
Wayne<br />
South Africa

I know you will make it, you're one tough woman.<br />
You are very impressive.<br />
So full of promise and drive.<br />
God bless, and keep me posted.

Thank you very much. I'm going to try my damnedest, I can assure you.

i'm sorry to hear of all the awful things you've been through. still, you truck on...you have more courage than ten men combined. good luck on achieving your dreams, let nothing and no one stop you from getting there.