Just Going For ItIn September of last year, my life did a complete turnaround. In my mind, although it was stressful at times, I had an amazing life with everything going for me. I was in my third year of college, getting fantastic grades, lining things up to study abroad in Paris, working a job that I loved, had a very loving family, and a lot to look forward to. And in a matter of a week, almost all of that went away. It took about a month for the rest of it to go.
While filming an event for school, I lost my sight temporarily, and ended up in the hospital. I came home with no muscle coordination on my right side, with no possible explanation. It was a few days before the left side of my body went too, leaving me unable to walk or even lift my arms. This lead to a couple of weeks in different hospitals, followed by six months worth of doctors appointments, and a whole ton of misdiagnoses. Finally, I was diagnosed with a chronic illness called POTS, and I got on the road to treatment. However, I've had to completely change my lifestyle. I no longer am able to work, I can't be very physically active, and I can't do a lot of the things that I used to do. I had only planned on leaving college for the semester, but I found out that with being set back that far, I would have no possible way of graduating on time, and therefor would lose all of my scholarship money.
In between this whole medical mess, I lost the people who I needed the most: my family. In October, I had years of repressed memories of sexual abuse come to the surface. My favorite family member, my grandma's husband, had molested me throughout my whole childhood, and I chose to block it out. So here I was, learning that the man I loved most in my life was my biggest betrayer. While I thought there would be a simple solution to the problem, it didn't work out that way. I figured by telling my nearest family members, including my grandmother about it, that I would have a support system. I was wrong. Instead, everyone in my family aside from my mother, insisted that I should have never brought it up, and it was inconveniencing the family. Apparently I was the only one who didn't know this had happened, and everyone else chose to just brush it under the rug. No one in my family associated with me for months, and things will never go back to normal with them. I lost my grandpa, because I never knew that he was a monster. I lost my grandma, because she chose to side with him. And I lost the rest of my close family, because they chose to side with her.
So now, here I stand. I have no job, no money, nothing to show for my time and accomplishments in college, a family who may as well not even be here, and a chronic illness. In a way, I've been forced to start a new life, but I have decided to go about it my own way. I am moving away in less than a month to attend school for special FX makeup. It was my plan for after college, but I decided I'd rather not delay it. I will be there for a year and a half, and I don't plan on returning home often. I want to get out of there with the potential to fulfill my dreams, and a whole new group of people to surround myself with. I'll be living on my own again, independent, on the road to my career.
While I am so excited to be getting out of here, I have to admit that I'm terrified. I haven't told anyone how afraid I am of failure, because I want to appear strong and optimistic, but I honestly don't know how all of this is going to work out. I don't have much stamina at all, and one of my many POTS symptoms is loss of coordination in my hands. A lot of days, I can't even write my name, and I'm going to be taking classes on sculpting. This has been my dream for as long as I can remember, and I don't know what I'll do with myself if I can't make it through school. I try not to think about the potential of failing, but it plagues me sometimes.
Yet, the only way I'll ever succeed is if I try. So I'm just going for it, and hoping for the best.