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Just Going For It

In September of last year, my life did a complete turnaround. In my mind, although it was stressful at times, I had an amazing life with everything going for me. I was in my third year of college, getting fantastic grades, lining things up to study abroad in Paris, working a job that I loved, had a very loving family, and a lot to look forward to. And in a matter of a week, almost all of that went away. It took about a month for the rest of it to go.

While filming an event for school, I lost my sight temporarily, and ended up in the hospital. I came home with no muscle coordination on my right side, with no possible explanation. It was a few days before the left side of my body went too, leaving me unable to walk or even lift my arms. This lead to a couple of weeks in different hospitals, followed by six months worth of doctors appointments, and a whole ton of misdiagnoses. Finally, I was diagnosed with a chronic illness called POTS, and I got on the road to treatment. However, I've had to completely change my lifestyle. I no longer am able to work, I can't be very physically active, and I can't do a lot of the things that I used to do. I had only planned on leaving college for the semester, but I found out that with being set back that far, I would have no possible way of graduating on time, and therefor would lose all of my scholarship money.

In between this whole medical mess, I lost the people who I needed the most: my family. In October, I had years of repressed memories of sexual abuse come to the surface. My favorite family member, my grandma's husband, had molested me throughout my whole childhood, and I chose to block it out. So here I was, learning that the man I loved most in my life was my biggest betrayer. While I thought there would be a simple solution to the problem, it didn't work out that way. I figured by telling my nearest family members, including my grandmother about it, that I would have a support system. I was wrong. Instead, everyone in my family aside from my mother, insisted that I should have never brought it up, and it was inconveniencing the family. Apparently I was the only one who didn't know this had happened, and everyone else chose to just brush it under the rug. No one in my family associated with me for months, and things will never go back to normal with them. I lost my grandpa, because I never knew that he was a monster. I lost my grandma, because she chose to side with him. And I lost the rest of my close family, because they chose to side with her.

So now, here I stand. I have no job, no money, nothing to show for my time and accomplishments in college, a family who may as well not even be here, and a chronic illness. In a way, I've been forced to start a new life, but I have decided to go about it my own way. I am moving away in less than a month to attend school for special FX makeup. It was my plan for after college, but I decided I'd rather not delay it. I will be there for a year and a half, and I don't plan on returning home often. I want to get out of there with the potential to fulfill my dreams, and a whole new group of people to surround myself with. I'll be living on my own again, independent, on the road to my career.

While I am so excited to be getting out of here, I have to admit that I'm terrified. I haven't told anyone how afraid I am of failure, because I want to appear strong and optimistic, but I honestly don't know how all of this is going to work out. I don't have much stamina at all, and one of my many POTS symptoms is loss of coordination in my hands. A lot of days, I can't even write my name, and I'm going to be taking classes on sculpting. This has been my dream for as long as I can remember, and I don't know what I'll do with myself if I can't make it through school. I try not to think about the potential of failing, but it plagues me sometimes.

Yet, the only way I'll ever succeed is if I try. So I'm just going for it, and hoping for the best.
timburtonrox11 timburtonrox11 18-21, F 83 Responses May 10, 2011

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u contact me , m also die, nd i want strt new life.+91 9004004053

Courage is a powerful flame. Use it to blaze your own path in life and under no circumstance let anyone try to snuff it!! good luck

Wow..haha you made me cry. You are a strong and determined woman, and I can assure you that you will reach the highest mountain. <br />
My thoughts and prayers are with you, xoxox.

God bless you! You are so strong. I've been facing my own situation lately and had trouble going on, but you've inspired me so much. I wish you the best! You won't fail!! You've done so much already! It's cliche but please keep your head up.

OMG<br />
<br />
I was so sad to read your story :(<br />
<br />
the illness that you have is because you repressed that horrible abuse inside of you and it HAD to surface eventually...once you work through those emotions and trauma you will fidn that your illness will disappear... look into holistic healing approaches, hypnotherapy, regression therapy, reiki, quantum healing, and I would suggest going to see a clairvoyant someone who can give you some spiritual guidance and tell you hoe to heal this etc<br />
<br />
you sound like you have a very positive outlook on life and you are still going to achieve all your dreams you have just got something to work through at the moment YOU WILL GET THROUGH IT and be a stronger person because of it :)<br />
<br />
I wish you well<br />
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

you can do it!

Keep ur head up im kinda in the same boat besides the whole melestation deal ive noticed people are going to luv and hate u regardless ur family dnt deserve u they will get wats coming to them but however it goes keep ur head up stay strong fill urself with new and bright ideas u can do it if i can live ur life to the fullest and someone will come into your life and give you more love than u can handle so just look at this as a minor speed bump in a long healthy loving life :):)

UPDATE: Hey everyone! Thanks again for all of your kind and inspiring words. I am currently in my second semester in school, and I have been doing quite well. I am succeeding in all of my classes, and only had to miss one class all of last semester. I have created a lot of nice work, and my dream of becoming a special fx artist is inching closer and closer. My health was good to me all of last semester, but this current one has been a lot more difficult. However, I will keep on truckin'. No worries! As for my family, things have gotten much better, since I am not in the same town as them and forced to deal with them on a regular basis. Now, it is as simple as seeing them and speaking to them on my own terms, and it is working out alright. I am so happy that you guys have been behind me throughout this journey. Things are really looking bright for the future. :)

wow that was a powerful story, it is awesome to see someone that having everything then one moment lose everything and still have the determiniation, with that fire in there eyes to move on with there life with keeping there head up high!!! and telling themself that they are going to do something with there life, u are one your road to redemption, u are going to be a success, just work hard, keep your head up high!! if u ever need a friend, i am here for u!!!! keep your head up, dont be afraid to go outside!! i admire u and respect u 100% justin

wow that was a powerful story, it is awesome to see someone that having everything then one moment lose everything and still have the determiniation, with that fire in there eyes to move on with there life with keeping there head up high!!! and telling themself that they are going to do something with there life, u are one your road to redemption, u are going to be a success, just work hard, keep your head up high!! if u ever need a friend, i am here for u!!!! keep your head up, dont be afraid to go outside!! i admire u and respect u 100% justin

Heartbreaking yet great story. You're a strong woman and I admired that a lot. best luck to you on your journey.

You have already lived in he'll from the way it sounds. The days ahead of you can hopefully be better. Your so called family has lost out on knowing a great person for not giving up, it is there loss for them<br />
Not Allowing you to be part of it. You have the strength to be a servivor. Good luck in proving what a great person that they lost.

I respect you for chasing your dreams and having the courage to move along after all that has happened to you.<br />
<br />
In a way I guess I'm starting a new life too. As a child I got abused emotionally and sometimes physically by my dad who was an alcoholic. After years of enduring the abuse, and a night of him in jail due to criminal damage and threatening me and my mum, he was forced to move out. A few months later, my mum got back together with him and he lives with us again, so I have to live with my dad after all he put us through. My very best friend sexually assaulted me a month or so ago and a few weeks ago my boyfriend dumped me on my 3 year anniversary for the one girl he promised he never had feelings for. I was suspicious about her for over a year, so after all his promises about nothing going on, being forced to live with my dad who abused me, and my most trusted friend sexually assaulting me, I thought I wouldn't be able to trust again.<br />
You've inspiried me to try my best to move on, even though things seem bad at the moment. I wish you luck for the future.

Stay positive, stay focused and always aim high. Never ever drag yourself down into despair. Surround yourself with friends always be prepared to give support then you will receive the support you need. May your life be blessed as is your example.

I really got moved with your story, the steps you have set to take really motivate me. The reason is that I myself i'm facing similar challenge, and my own is family hatred.<br />
I happened to be the most brilliant person in my family, my both parents are late, i stay with my relative cos i dont have enough money to get an apartment for myself and my relative i stay with hate seeing me progressing. All their plan is to see me going down.<br />
<br />
Anytime i decide to start a project that will ehance my life, my family will not suport me and hate me the more, instead they will discourage me and find different means to frustrate me.<br />
<br />
Nobody to corperate with and nobody to confide in, everyday is like struggle without no end. I cry almost everyday!<br />
<br />
But now, i have decided to start any odd job i can get and try to save as much i can. Maybe in next 6 months, i would have gathered some money and then move away from my relative and get a room apartment in far away distance to begin a new life.<br />
<br />
I have this plan hot in my mind, but sometime, fear to cope when i will be alone always bothers me! But no matter how it may be, i just have to take the step!

I really got moved with your story, the steps you have set to take really motivate me. The reason is that I myself i'm facing similar challenge, and my own is family hatred.<br />
I happened to be the most brilliant person in my family, my both parents are late, i stay with my relative cos i dont have enough money to get an apartment for myself and my relative i stay with hate seeing me progressing. All their plan is to see me going down.<br />
<br />
Anytime i decide to start a project that will ehance my life, my family will not suport me and hate me the more, instead they will discourage me and find different means to frustrate me.<br />
<br />
Nobody to corperate with and nobody to confide in, everyday is like struggle without no end. I cry almost everyday!<br />
<br />
But now, i have decided to start any odd job i can get and try to save as much i can. Maybe in next 6 months, i would have gathered some money and then move away from my relative and get a room apartment in far away distance to begin a new life.<br />
<br />
I have this plan hot in my mind, but sometime, fear to cope when i will be alone always bothers me! But no matter how it may be, i just have to take the step!

You're one special person. I don't know how you have survived with all that. Sorry you had to go through all of that. I really hope things work out well for you :)

In reading through your story, the first thing I was struck by is the impression of incredible strength. You may not be aware of it yourself, but you must be an amazingly strong person to have gone through all you're going through, and yet maintain such a force of personality, focus and determination. <br />
<br />
I have no fear of failure for you. You may stumble, but you're going to get up again. It might be rough going at points, but you have the spiritual stamina to carry you through. Don't be quick to call something a "failure" if it doesn't happen as readily or easily as you hoped. The secret of success is to inure yourself to "failures". The Japanese saying is, "Fall down seven times, get up eight."<br />
<br />
Be honest about your condition with your professors and close classmates. You don't sound like the sort of person who wants pity--just understanding, and I'm sure they will admire and support you all the more for your determination to overcome your obstacles. <br />
<br />
Thank you for sharing your story. You've inspired me to shoulder my own challenges with more "true grit"! My prayers and best wishes go with you in your endeavors.

you're amazingly strong, you give me alotta hope.

Thanks again to everyone for the comments. You guys really are great. Tomorrow is the big day! And I can't shake this anxious feeling. Feeling anxious about change is new to me, and I'm not liking it. But it's definitely not changing my mind.

For years I didn't bother writing down my experiences. I felt my experiences were so mundane they didn't warrant recording, as who would want to hear them. In the past year or so I have realized that it is the daily battle and victory that inspires. My wife passed away a few days ago. I have spent, with her, 37 years of fighting chronic illness, and she had spent literally a lifetime battling auto-immune diseases. Your story reminds me that I need to record these for others. <br />
<br />
Fortunately, I have family support. I feel deeply for you and hope you can find some form of support. Don't let them win. Believe it or not, forgiveness is the best catharsis. That doesn't mean you have to trust them until they exhibit trustworthiness, but you have too much life ahead to waste your precious energy on stewing about it. You have seen what keeping it suppressed can do. Keeping it exposed and festering is just as bad. I know it's hard to understand, but just like being in the dark can make it easier to see the light, experiencing rejection, especially from those who should support us, can make us more aware of true love. May you also be more receptive to it through forgiveness.

It is OK to be afraid, just let the thoughts go out as quickly as they come in and don't become absorbed in them. Fear of change is normal. The sculpture class sounds great. Clay is a accepting, forgiving and has no desire to know perfection so you should just have fun with it. <br />
Dr. Dyer has a great quote on one of his tapes that goes something like, "Your friends are Gods way of apologizing for your family. My favorite quote is, This to will pass. I remind myself of that during both the good times and the bad times. Well, actually I look at the bad times as God answering my prayers. If I pray for the ability to forgive, it seems I will end up in a situation that if I want to remain happy I must learn to forgive. I always pray to be happy and I for the most part am.<br />
Regardless of what happens you will succeed, however how you define that word may change drastically. You may find out you already have.

You are tougher than you think you are and you'll make it. I'd recommend selfmadevip.com forum for you. Search Google for: <br />
<br />
"selfmadevip.com brian tracy audio"

What a strong woman, I admire you. You might have lost your family's support, but you've got new supporters here. Keep us posted on that journey. And please take care.

I just want to say that you are one brave and strong person. I know that things will eventually work out for you. Just go for it and don't give up. :) I am really glad I've read your story and although life has not been as hard as for your, if you sometimes need someone to talk, I'll be glad to talk to you. Stay positive :)

I have to say, I admire your courage. You go for it because fear of failure, is natural for everybody. I think, with the guts you have already shown, you have the confidence to do anything you set your mind to. You don't want to look back and think of the things you could have done. I wish you all the best for your future and happiness. :)

I think very highly of you resilience and resolve not to give in to discouraging negative. I think its only human to be discouraged from the extremely rough times you experienced. Yet despite your terrible blows you decide to strive in your life. Personally I don't believe one is a failure unless one thinks one is. Wondering if your suffering from depression. This is not to say what you are feeling isn't true, ie just in your mind. Quite the contrary. Experiencing a major setback for virtually anyone can cause rather negative emotions including ones of extreme self loathing. I refuse to use the tired old , simplistic cliche of just believing in yourself. Of course you should believe in yourself. OTOH you went through some traumatic serious hardships including both physical and psychological. Perhaps taking small incremental steps to get back in your life would be helpful to you.

@Revken - Thanks for the sculpting tips, and the tips on art in general. And also, no worries about trying to be nice. I think I can handle that, haha.<br />
<br />
@freethelee - If I can do it, you can do it! So . . . let's do this!<br />
<br />
@Dennis - YOU, sir, are an inspiration. Stories like yours are amazing. I'm so happy that you succeeded in the face of adversity, and it just goes to show that no one can use that as an excuse to become nothing. Does it ever make you angry when people choose to do nothing with themselves, get caught up in crime, etc. because they "didn't get along with their dad" or they "had a hard time growing up?" It doesn't have to be that way, and you are living proof. Congrats!<br />
<br />
@discosue and boisie - Thank you so much for the encouragement. And I'm flattered to be a source of inspiration.

i wish u the best of everythin ever and u will emerge victorius at the end of it all.

Yes for sure what a story of sadness, i agree with the other supporters here keep up the good work and stay strong,always look foreward.<br />
You have heard the saying "there is always a bad apple in the bussel basket", well like you, i was the bad apple too.I lost my mother when i was only 7 years old,my father hit the road and never seen him again, nice dad right,.So my uncles came out to Cal. where my brother and i lived and took us to Mich. to live with them.It went down hill from there They split up my brother and i and put us in differ homes,now i lost my brother too,like i said dwn. hill.Some how i stuck it out.All of them said that Denny, me would turn out no good and be in jail soon. nice support right from your family.Well i kept trucking my way finished high school ,and went on to collage and graduated there too. To cap this story , i too was a bad apple like you and proved all of them wrong.So you have to do the same.Prove to your self that your stonger than them and will make it.THEY WERE THE BAD APPLES! please let me know if i can help you.<br />
your friend Dennis