I Want to Start a New Life
I enjoy life, I embrace every drop of the blood that courses through my person, not because I am special, but, becaue I am still here, I am a survivor. I've made it through so far, even though there are days that my sorrow over the loss of my child nearly kills me, and yet, I keep smiling, I keep going on.
I meditate with my soul wide open and eager, a blank canvas, an open unfilled vessel. I seek communion with my creator, I aim to be multi layered and thorough in my quest to live life to the fullest, to try to be blessed by the pleasures of life that remain . I offer energy and heart to the universe. Still, more and more, I am disappointed.
There comes a time when one is utterly lost. I suppose it happens to everyone. I imagine that this is perfectly normal. A period of life dawns where hunger and thirst for purpose and meaning overwhelm everything else, and life nips at your heels, moving you onward, even if you stall and stumble. I suppose one must redefine themselves periodically and I know this takes courage. Courage that I am not t sure I have, courage that I don't know that I can create.
A womans life is strange. You give and give, a man needs to love you, you need to love him, babies need to grow inside of you, then to suckle from you, your parents grow old, they need help, everyone needs something from you, there is no tme to live for yourself and this goes on for at least a couple of decades (if you have children) Then one day, like a play, a book, a movie, that is all over. It ends. The book says "the end" The auditorium empties, the lights go down, and you are left on stage, exhausted and limp from a wringing kind of love that lingers between heart beats, that hangs there on a molecular level, it's in your DNA to be a Mother now, but, your license has expired. Your breasts hang empty and light, your stomach shows scars, silver ribbons, cut into the fabric of your flesh, signs of the lives that once gestated there, their first apartment complex now vacated. If you hold on too hard, if you resist to let them go, you get chastized, you are "domineering or over bearing" If you turn loose, become independent, forget all of that and find a new life as a free agent, you also get chastized, they tried to call and couldn't reach you on this day at that time, where were you, they were worried! You live on their terms now, you give of yourself on their terms, no more, no less, because they have cell phones that they turn off if they don't want to be reached, but, your home phone is a monument to dependability and availability, the number has been the same for twenty years and you have answered for twenty years. You have to, what if there is an emergency and your wisdom is required, trust me, it does happen. I am lost, what to do? Do you give them what they want of you and find other ways to amuse yourself until you are called on for dog duty or house sitting or if you are blessed, infrequent and exceedingly impotent Grandmother duty? Not actually "free" but not actively tethered to my old duties either. I am~ these days, the dog that walks on the unheld leash, unaware that my master has evolved into another life? It's time to make another life, emotionally, if not physically, I can see that. I will start today, moving on, moving forward.
I meditate with my soul wide open and eager, a blank canvas, an open unfilled vessel. I seek communion with my creator, I aim to be multi la
There comes a time when one is utterly lost. I suppose it happens to everyone. I imagine that this is perfectly normal. A period of life dawns where hunger and thirst for purpose and meaning overwhelm everything else, and life nips at your heels, moving you onward, even if you stall and stumble. I suppose one must redefine themselves periodically and I know this takes courage. Courage that I am not t sure I have, courage that I don't know that I can create.
A womans life is strange. You give and give, a man needs to love you, you need to love him, babies need to grow inside of you, then to suckle from you, your parents grow old, they need help, everyone needs something from you, there is no tme to live for yourself and this goes on for at least a couple of decades (if you have children) Then one day, like a play, a book, a movie, that is all over. It ends. The book says "the end" The auditorium empties, the lights go down, and you are left on stage, exhausted and limp from a wringing kind of love that lingers between heart beats, that hangs there on a molecular level, it's in your DNA to be a Mother now, but, your license has expired. Your breasts hang empty and light, your stomach shows scars, silver ribbons, cut into the fabric of your flesh, signs of the lives that once gestated there, their first apartment complex now vacated. If you hold on too hard, if you resist to let them go, you get chastized, you are "domineering or over bearing" If you turn loose, become independent, forget all of that and find a new life as a free agent, you also get chastized, they tried to call and couldn't reach you on this day at that time, where were you, they were worried! You live on their terms now, you give of yourself on their terms, no more, no less, because they have cell phones that they turn off if they don't want to be reached, but, your home phone is a monument to dependability and availability, the number has been the same for twenty years and you have answered for twenty years. You have to, what if there is an emergency and your wisdom is required, trust me, it does happen. I am lost, what to do? Do you give them what they want of you and find other ways to amuse yourself until you are called on for dog duty or house sitting or if you are blessed, infrequent and exceedingly impotent Grandmother duty? Not actually "free" but not actively tethered to my old duties either. I am~ these days, the dog that walks on the unheld leash, unaware that my master has evolved into another life? It's time to make another life, emotionally, if not physically, I can see that. I will start today, moving on, moving forward.
By:
hillbillycrone
Age:
51-55
,
Female
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