Never Been To Know One.Hi:) Its only been a 3 weeks since I've graduated high school and I'm back to having no one to talk to over the summer. The truth is I don't really have anyone to talk to even at school. It's not that I am a loner, I mean I think I have friends but I just feel as if I am just there listening to them talk? And when I do try no one bothers to reply intuitively and just ignores me. It makes me feel so completely invisible. This is probably why it made me gain weight and am depressed to the point that I fantasize myself being in a different life and not shy and more assertive. Especially, not invisible or insecure:(
Growing up I've always been badly criticized by my family members especially my parents. For all the mistakes I have ever made they always bring it back into conversation. My mom always left me and my sister locked up in the house to the point were we died of boredom. It's not that I am complaining I mean i am thankful to have a house and stuff but I think that is one reason why I am not so social with others and don't have good communication skills at all. In elementary school I was that little girl sitting alone while everyone played because I did something I wasn't suppose to do and that scarred me so much. I died of embarrassment and I couldn't face anyone not even people that wanted to play with me. I would just play with the dirt and sit alone until recess came by. I didn't have anyone to talk to about what happened and not even to my parents because they would just criticize me more. Especially, tell everyone in my family of how much a failure I was again. I used to wish that we could at least say sorry to each other just once. It was just let things pass and move on.
As I grew older, up to high school, I decided to change a little and lose the weight because throughout middle I was made fun of for being so fat. However, I thought I was going to actually start having friends but they left me once again when they met others. I did lose the weight and stayed with three other girls who I thought would be great friends, but they left me out once again because they didn't have anything in common with me. I felt as if they just used me when no one was there to hang with them and I followed them because I thought we were close enough and didn't join any clubs or any other sport. I didn't follow wha I wanted to do throught out high school because I was afraid to be by myself and be that little girl again sitting by herself in the dirt. I know I was stupid and I wrong to believe that these girls were my friends. Then again I didn't really have a life it was all about studying and good grades because my mom didn't trust me.
All the time I always regret not enjoying highschool and wished I had a little bit more freedom. I always think through the times when I could have done something to make it more enjoyable and when situations that pushed me to be more confident. Although I look confident in the outside because I love dressing up for school and people always ask me why I dress like i do. I tell them it's because I want to. If only I had tha attitude everyday and I would have had the courage to talk to my first crush. Which by the way I failed and somewhat been a laughing joke of the upper classmates. Or talked to 2 guys that I've known that liked me. But then again my invisible skills went back and melted me into my insecurities.
But now that I have graduated, I want to start over again since i am going to a college with new people and old people. I want to shine in my own way. Not too over the top. Just a better me. I want to show everyone what I can do and actually have a conversation that will last more than a minute. Haha:( so far I want to fix my insecurities and not just from the outside but mostly in the inside. I want to be more assertive and attentive so that I could actually get a job and not feel awkward when talking to people I haven't met. Especially when I am buying something from a store I feel so weird paying. I just feel so awkward. I want to gain freedom frommy parents now that I am an adult. I want to do things And activities that I want to do even if I am not good at it. Hopefully, it's not to late to figure out who I am and why I am in this world. I'm sorry if this is poor writing:( I am not really a good story teller. I want to want to change. Please be with me through all this because Im scared of failing myself and in life. Please?
Help me Find me and how to cope with life. Thank you:)