It Seems

It seems as though I am attracted to guys that will treat me badly.

When I was fourteen I started dating a guy who was seventeen.  He was a big guy and not at all good looking but he was my first boy friend and an older guy so I was blinded.  I was a freshman and felt as though I was on top of the world because I had him.  The first month was great but it soon turned pretty bad.  He told me that other guys thought I was fat and ugly and always asked him why he was dating me.  It then turned to that he was dating me because he felt sorry for me and no one else would take me so I should be happy with him.  After that whenever I would not give him something he would beat me.  One time he beat me so hard I was limping.  It lasted a year and when he graduated I broke it off only to find out he was cheating on me and got some girl pregnant.  I had to go through my next three years with him randomly showing up and telling people how much of a **** I was. 

I got into cutting, smoking, bulimia, and stripping at this point.

My second boyfriend was from a long ago friend's ex three years later.  He was my first of many things.  The first day we started going out I ended up shirtless and giving him more then I wanted to.  But I had just gotten out of the hospital for attempting suicide and to have this guy want me was so great.  He was telling me how beautiful I was, how he loved me, and etc.  All the while however he was still texing his ex and telling her the same thing.  I knew he was going to leave me for her but I couldn't tear myself away from him and kept giving him what he wanted.  We lasted three months and then he ended it.

My third boyfriend was four months later with the school 'freak'.  Think Marilyn Manson except younger and not as extremem...Or maybe he was.  He was pretty much where I was my Freshman year.  Cutting, smoking, drinking, only thing he was doing that I wasn't was sex.  He wanted me because of my innoncence and I wanted him because of his darkness.  He wanted me to change him and I wanted to do the same.  It was very messed up and we only stayed together for three months because he told me he would stop cutting if I stayed with him.  I broke it off because at prom he told me he was still in love with his ex and got so mad at me he slammed his fist against the table.  It scared me and I was not about to go back to my Freshman year.

My fourth boyfriend was really not a boyfriend.  We were not dating but in a way we were.  We met at a camp a year ago and went our sperate ways then a year later met again at that same camp.  For the whole camp we hung out with each other, flirted, had deep conversations, and even almost kissed.  We admitted to each other we were falling for the other.  We stayed in contact this time and talked for hours on end every night talking about why we have not gone out.  I told him it is because I wanted him to think about it seeing as he had just gotten out of a four year relationship with his girlfriend.  Plus I was not sure about my sexuality but he did not know that.  One night he called me up hammered and tried to get me to have phone sex with him.  I didn't and hung up on him.  He called me twenty times and I didn't answer.  Two nights later he called me up with a gun to his head asking me to make him stop.  I stayed up for three hours making sure he didn't and only hung up when his dad woke up and he put the gun away.  He cut off all ties after that but called me up just a few days ago telling me goodbye.  I have blocked his numbers after telling someone about him.  I can't be his saviour.
I have not dated since then which was just this month.

I want a girlfriend now.  Not a boyfriend.
Leotheweak Leotheweak
18-21, F
Aug 13, 2010