I Am Afraid...

I am not well and yet I'm not terminally ill.  It angers me and scares me at the same time.  I want to go back to work, but I'm afraid that my being sick will pose too many problems.  On top of that, I'm afraid that people will ask me what's wrong.  I would have to answer that I suffer from severe depression, fibromyalgia, that I have bouts of Raynaud's, that I have bad allergies in the fall and that I can't just take any medication with the medication I'm already on, that I have hypothyroidism.  All of that scares me.  When I do feel up to it, I don't even leave my house very much because I'm always afraid that I will run into people and they will ask me what I do.  Sometimes when I do go out and meet someone new or a friend of a friend etc., I lie and tell them that I work for a previous employer.  I don't like that, but when I tell them the truth they look at me like you don't look sick, or yeah right!  Yes, I'm sick in the head!  That's exactly it and that's exactly what I could say and then laugh, but that would only work for some of the time. 

It's fear and self-pity I think.  I'm also scared that I will never get better and that I'll be locked in my own apt and feel like I'm losing my marbles for the rest of my life.  I don't even have anywhere to go to really.  Where am I suppose to go with no money, and by myself?!  I mean NO money!  No close friends, not even acquaintances nearby.  It's a real downer and it freaks me out.  It seems to be getting worse in the past month or so.  It's killing me.

More later....

PiscesDream PiscesDream
51-55, F
10 Responses Jul 25, 2007

I didn't mean that there were doctors or counselors here at EP. Here there are support groups. "I Battle Depression" is a good one.<br />
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Doctors and counselors are in your community. Your doctor should be able to refer you to a rheumatologist; to a counselor and/or psychologist/psychiatrist. I have heard many good things about Environmental Specialists for people with Fibro from people with Fibro some have actually made a recovery. I really have a lot of faith in Holistic Healing. Naturopaths.! You could inquire from people you know for a recommendation to a naturopath. It should be a well-rounded treatment.<br />
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Is that helpful at all? Let me know if you have any more questions ok.<br />
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" I have Fibromyalgia" is another good group here on EP.<br />
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All the best

Yes, heavenheaven there are tests. I was diagnosed by my g.p. I was also diagnosed by a rheumatologist. Here's a great website http://www.mefmaction.net It talks about "What is the Clinical Diagnostic Procedure" "What are Tender Points" "What causes FMS" etc., etc., <br />
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Like you heaven I don't like to whine. It a catch-22 though. Because if you don't tell the people around you that you're in pain they just don't know. They can't tell. Can't read your mind. I have come to realize that more and more in the last few months. I was dating a guy and he would say well how will I know if you don't tell me. Good point. <br />
I know some people just want to believe that I'm lazy(they don't come right out and say it, but they do in a round about way). I hate that but I keep repeating myself to them to make them more aware and hopefully more understanding and compassionate.<br />
I can totally relate to what you say about depression. It's so true. There are people who do understand though. There are doctors, counselors, support groups, here at EP. Keep looking until you find the one you can feel comfortable with. It's very hard, but it's not hopeless. Just because people don't understand it doesn't mean they don't care. Sometimes we have to put ourselves in their shoes. They have never had depression. It's hard to understand and deal with when you do have it. Imagine never having it. Ugh.<br />
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I wish you healing energy. Thank you for your post. <br />
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I hope I have been able to help a little bit!<br />
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Take good care

You're very welcome PiscesDream. I'm sending more your way... I think it's all about exchanging good energy, the more we give the more we receive, but don't get me wrong, that's not the only reason I'm giving it. lol

Thank you Lily I love healing energy send more lol!<br />
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I wish we could heal the whole world and I think if there was enough love we just might do it.<br />
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I wish to send you healing energy as well. Keep in touch.<br />
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Thank you

It's hard for all of us who suffer from other illnesses such as fibro or back problems like I do and can't really work. I have a hard time just doing the chores to take care of my home and kids. Anyway, I'm sending healing energies your way. I hope you feel better soon. I know how awful it feels to hurt on the inside and the outside at the same time.

I hear ya Cheese! I love my coffee & my wine (in moderation) and I smoke (I'm working on quiting soon). Wish me luck and send some healing and loving thoughts my way. <br />
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Thanks,<br />
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Have a great day!

I'm sure you've done research on fibro, but just in case you don't know there are some things that will lessen it or so I am told. I guess you should avoid smoking, drinking alcohol and carbonated beverages, and .... oh hell I think the last one was junk food but i can't remember for sure.

You're great teenanonymous! You're very wise for your age. Don't let those psychiatrists push you around. I have been to see quite a few of them and I have the same opinion of them as you seem to. They don't know what the h*** they are talking about. I found Social workers and psychologist a lot better for talking to. The thing is to find the right one for you. <br />
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As for your brother, I understand your fears. I had a relationship with someone with Diabetes and it's tough to watch and it's definitely not trivial. I think you're right about him just wanting to be "normal", but for him that is normal and it's a part of him that he needs to understand does not have to be bad. It's a challenge, but a very important one. I hope he will "get it" soon and take care of himself the way he needs to. Not only for himself, but for the people who love him. I can only imagine how stressed out your poor mom is. ughh!!!<br />
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Thank you for your reply. I really appreciate your words or support. <br />
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Take good care. : )

i don't have anything like your illness, but i do have family that has had a lot of problems, and my brother has diabetes, which to you may seem trivial, but its hard to watch him struggle with it, because hes really young and not responsible about it and hes put himself in the hospital several times. seeing how hes destructing himself because he doesnt want to be bothered with taking care of himself hurts, because i think he does it because he wants to be normal and not worry about his health. and when he doesn't take care of himself, it scares my mom so much and it sucks. i don't know what its like for him, or for you, or anyone suffering, but i do know about other kinds of suffering. I have a mild form of depression, according to all the psychiatrists i've been forced to see. i don't think this is true, i don't think anything is wrong with me, and i hate the feeling of sitting on a couch and talking to someone who tells me they aren't there to judge when that is exactly what their paid for. they don't get it, they don't understand that i am normal, and i just feel sad sometimes like everyone else. why am i different? because i express the sadness i feel and i don't hide it like others? thats supposed to be a good thing, coming to terms with your feelings. but these doctors, they don't understand. they think when you sit there quietly its because your depressed when its really because i have nothing to say to them sometimes. Every now and then its good to have someone to talk to but i want that someone to not have a name that starts with "doctor." sorry for being so dramatic, but i just wanted to get my own suffering off my chest. as for you pisces, to hell with what people think, get out there and get your job and forget having to explain yourself. you have a right to be whatever and whoever you want. we are all so lucky to be who and where we are. sometimes it takes a lot to get over ourselves and realize that.

Thank you Sneakers. You're right about people being wrapped up in their own lives and that they really don't realize how lucky they are to be healthy!<br />
Cheers