What Is Wrong With Me??

I have a beautiful 4 month old daughter, an amazing son. I didn't drink at all during my pregnancy, but since she was about 6 weeks old, I started drinking again. A lot. Often. I am an alcoholic and I hate myself for it. I am hungover again today.. I feel so ashamed at my inability to stop. I just want to stop, with every fibre in my body, I crave sobriety. I drink at home, alone. I am so sick of me. I need help. What the f.uck is WRONG WITH ME?
MissHollow MissHollow
26-30, F
5 Responses Dec 7, 2012

Hi ToBeABetterMom,
It's so hard, isn't it? I am constantly riddled with guilt over drinking around my children (my eldest is now at an age where he is actually asking me stop drinking.. I got away with it when he was younger, but now he sees and hates the way it "changes me".
I am so like you, I set out with such good intentions, as in I'll go a whole week without it and feel really proud of myself and then it starts with that "one" glass of wine... which always, ALWAYS leads to many more than I'd planned. That's the thing, I can rarely stop at one or two.
I'm exhausted and so sick of my internal dialogue constantly eating away at my soul with thoughts and feelings ranging from hope to despair and self hate.
I hope we can make the changes we so dearly want and need.. keep in touch if you can, we may be able to support one another x

I can relate so much to your post. Nothing makes me feel like a bigger piece of **** every morning than my kids "good morning hugs" (they are 4 and 2). Every morning I promise myself to stop; then it's the evening, I'm home from work and I pour myself that first glass of wine. I am at work right now and have spent the whole morning reading things like this in the hopes that I can really commit to this. I've never really tried to quit before. I'm scared I just don't have the inner strength to do it. Sucks. The saddest part of all of this is that I'm a psychologist; I'm also the luckiest Mom in the whole world. Except I rob myself from being able to enjoy it.
How is it going for you?

Thanks.
I'm feeling much better now. Today was an emotional day, I came down and crashed severely with this hangover.
But my mind is made up; I am done. I refuse to continue killing myself with this poison; drinking isn't even fun anymore, I don't even get a buzz anymore, no happy glow... just a hollow, self loathing shame. And I'm over it. I need to tak to ontrol of my life and it's now or never. I must begin by setting a good example for my children. What kind of role model would I be if I continue drinking? I always start off with good intentions, I tell myself that I'll only "have a couple"... well, an alcoholic simply cannot do that.
I wont let it rule me anymore, or take away another minute of the happiness I deserve.

In answer to the comment made, no I don't have Post natal depression. I don't know why I started drinking again. My body was clean after almost a year without drinking and then I relapsed.
I am going to try, and I mean really really try my absolute hardest, from this moment forward, to never, ever, drink again. And this time I'm serious. I want my health back, I'm so tired of bingeing and being sick, depressed and anxious. My children are devine, they need me to guide them thorugh with a sober head on my shoulders.
Wish me luck x

(grr, please excuse the typos in my last post.. I'm typing this out in a rush as I don't want my partner or kids seeing it)

Been there...said that...done that Good luck

In my opinion, people drink to make themselves feel better and/or cover up their unhappiness. Drinking does not solve any problems. When I drank alot, I later realized I was trying to cover up my problems. I was totally miserable not brought on by the drinking but by the relationship I was in. Once the problems were dealt with, the drinking went away all by it's self. I'd suggest a therapist. Drinking causes depression. It's a vicious cycle. A person drinks because they are miserable and when they sober up they are depressed and just as miserable. I hope you feel better.
Summer

Maybe ypu are suffering from post natal depression? Im sorry you feel this way hun. Are you able to visit the doctors? Xxx