My Silent Partner

Im not sure why am writing this ,but i guess the time has come for me to say "Im an Alcoholic " well at least i think i could be !
Ive been drinking since i was 14 like most kids ,the odd cider etc ..... with no problems at that age .
roll on my 23rd birthday i had 1 child and a gorgeous guy ,my own home ,planning my wedding ...Next step i had a really nasty cancer scare ,was told i couldnt have more children ,how wrong were the Doctors ,i went on to have a lovely 2nd child ..he was a difficult baby to carry and we both almost died ,11 weeks after he was born I watched as my Dad died in front me on my living room floor , i was 23 years old ... i went off the rails and drank myself almost to death for a whole year ,came back to reality after i was hospitilized with head problems .... " years later my gorgeous Mum ,my rock (That saw the worthyness in me ) Got bacterial Pnemonia spent 2 months in instensive care ...i had never been so terrified in all my life this time i had my 3rd baby and i promised myself i would always look after my mum ,she was really frail (under 5stone) ...Anyway ...i drank a bottle or 2 or wine almost every 2nd night came to breaking point and i was so ashamed i almost killed myself .... Roll on another few years ... I found my Mum dead on the floor ,she had been there all night ... i couldnt sleep ,eat or do anything i was so consumed with guilt i wasnt there for her i drank myself to sleep most nights ,some nights i drank myself to the point of injury ! My partner always used to say " Be careful ,before you know it ,it will be your new partner & like your best friend " But i couldnt sleep ! ------------- How right was he !!! ..... I knew i had a drink problem for years but water'd it down with the knowledge my kids are well looked after ,i only drink after 7pm ,my home is spotless ...but i never sleep ..... i tried yet again to stop drinking .i promised myself i would only drink on wednesdays &Saturdays (with partners vote on this ) ..tonight i hit my target i hadnt drunk since saturday ,but he had a right go at me for drinking too much .... really confused ,i feel he's collecting the negatives and forgetting to praise my postives ,i stuck to my bargain ,i reached my target ! .... This is a very private story as i never share my worries outside the home ....any advice for me ?
An Ep User An EP User
Jan 9, 2013