I Do...

...but I just really don't know how anymore. It's like I've been this way for so long that this is the only way I know how to feel about myself. Without it, I sometimes think that my very identity would evaporate...

Tuva Tuva
31-35, M
7 Responses Sep 22, 2011

Have you ever taken a picture of yourself and looked at? Objectively look at yourself as if you were another person. Then think about what you see honestly. I do this and it helps me see that Im not the way I feel about myself. You can't argue with what is in front of you. Keep doing it on occasion as a reminder. Try it!

try to free yourself on what you think is wrong with you,battling oneself is miserable as hell and i know how it feels to be like that coz i have been through that ,just find what you think you like to do and do it,and if there is pain that cause you like that then taste the pain and slowly let it go and over it,dont make your self in a hurry getting out of the situation that is not yet suppose to be done coz it can make you more vulnerable if wont succeed ,it is your healing process and i know someday you'll see life more different than what you know life today,dont do things that contradicts to things that you like..life is good when you seek meaning for it,do it for yourself first then finally it can open your eyes,.

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I think that what you said about compassion for others and not myself is quite true for me. I give to everyone and keep none for myself. I just usually don't think that I deserve it, at least not with the life that I lead. Other people are far worse off than me and so for those few people that I care about in my life, I tend to try to keep them buoyed rather than turn my compassion inwards. I know logically that it's not the most favorable idea, but it's how I tend to think in my head most of the time. <br />
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As for my past, I know that I can't change it, but I still feel stuck BY my past and not sure where to go from here or how to change it even if I COULD.

Just a couple of things - first, do you like other people? Are you able to forgive the people around you when they make mistakes? If so, then you are capable of forgiving yourself and getting on with your life. Give yourself a break. Not one of us is perfect, but the important thing is to gain some tolerance not only of others, but of yourself. If you can find some compassion in your heart for one other creature or human being, you can begin to turn that compassion toward yourself, which will also improve how you treat others, as it has a snowball effect. <br />
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Also, look at it from a practical standpoint - how can you go back and change the past that's causing you to feel bad about yourself? You can't. All you can do is to move forward. Start with small steps to change your thinking. Don't think about how much you despise yourself, but rather start thinking how you can help someone else just in an every day way with small kindnesses. When you start taking the focus away from yourself, you will serve several purposes. You will stop thinking of yourself obsessively and finding fault with yourself, and you will begin to make the world around you a better place.<br />
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Just give it a try - all you have to lose is your self-condemnation :)

Thank you Jenni. It's hard when you know that you shouldn't feel this way, but like you said, you end up feeling defective BECAUSE you feel that way and you can't seem to stop it.

Well, I certainly hope that is true. I really have no idea how much WOULD be left, but it's getting past that hard outer shell that's the real trick. Thank you.