Totally Confused!

Hi..I am brand new to this site, but am anxious to get my story out in order to get somefeedback on the problem and opinions that might help me see the big picture better so here goes.
I am somewhat disabled, I am on home oxygen therapy and have several other health problems. I am still quite independent and recently moved from being in the country to in town in order to be closer to my daughter and grandkids along with my boyfriend. Him and I had known each other for years from a friendship he had with my brother. But for the past two years we have had a steady relationship with each other and things were going very well, I moved to town to live with him, which we both agreed would be more convienent for both of us. His oldest daughter lived at home with him and shortly after my moving in, his daughters friend moved in with her on what was suppose to be a temporary thing. A few months later both became tired of one another and his daughter moved out leaving the other girl here! She is still living here too. She has no job, and cannot contribute to the household, seems quite controlling and had wrecked havoc on my relationship with my boyfriend(Dan). It started out as if he felt sorry for her and would help her with a few bucks here and there and now she has him wrapped around her finger and is using him for everything, including  paying her child support, loaning her the car and now even taking her out for drinks on the weekends and coming home late! she will not help with chores around the house or do anything but sleep and goof off all day. there is a big age difference between them, he is 61 and she is 30, I don't think they are intimate actually but he is so infatuated with her that I have little sayso about anything anymore. We have discussed this issue many times and even went to counseling, whereas the counselor told him that this was inappropriate and disrespectful to me, but he refuses to make her leave and I tried and he said if she goes I go because he says the girl has no place to go and it would be a hardship for her. ahh! My point to him is that as long as he is keeping her like he is, she has no reason to help herself get stable, she has it made around here, he acts like a sugardaddy to her. They both go out together and don't tell me where, like out to eat and have drinks and come home intoxicated. I finally gave him the ultimatum yesterday  that I would leave him if he doesn't get rid of her, but he did not seem to take me seriously(but I am) and I am refusing to let him sleep in the same bed with me etc. Although, at this time I am making plans to leave I would like some insight on what could be going on and why is it so hard for him to let her go? His daughter won't speak to him or come around because of her and she is just financially draining us to say the least. Can anyone read this and tell me why he would be so adoment about the situation? ty  
jwow54 jwow54
4 Responses Jun 13, 2011

it seems that he IS communicating with you, you are hoping that you are not getting the message he is broadcasting. he wants you to leave. i hope you have somewhere to go and people who can help support your sorrow.<br />
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he may also be suffering a mental degradation (like alzheimer's, or any of the other dementias) and a late mid-life crisis. you should not be living with someone you cannot trust to help you, when you made it clear from the beginning that you need help. <br />
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have you spoken to your brother? he was his friend, maybe he knows something ...<br />
<br />
good luck.

It doesn't sound like he is worthy of your friendship either. He is not behaving like a friend, lover, boyfriend or anything except a selfish jerk. <br />
I would say the same as MissLily, leave and cut all ties. You are prolonging your pain for someone who has no desire to change or has any respect for you. <br />
Better to spend a few months healing than to spend the next few months agonizing over this and hurting yourself. Keep going to counseling yourself, help yourself get over him. He may be 61 but he is a child. Even his daughter saw through that.<br />
I wish you luck and healing and that you will know that you deserve real love.

Hey thanx for your quick reply! It really makes sense what you said. I have been trying to get to the bottom of this for months. we actually went to our counseling today and I mentioned a portion of this to him and asked him this may be his problem because he offers me no good reason for his actions,last night he left work at 11pm and never came home till 9 this morning and I am disabled and needed help here, he never even called to say where he was but I already knew. He agreed to cut ties with her at the counselors, (yea right) and came home, I ask him to run a few errands for me and take something over to my daughter who is nine mos pregnant, This was at 2:30 this afternoon! It is now 8:30 pm and I have no idea where he is. But he has my debit card and my cell phone so he could pay for my things and he turned the phone off and never made it to my daughters house. ahhhhh!!!! I am so extremely upset over this, we just came from counseling and I'm positive he is right back at that girls friends house with her again. I told him that I lost trust in him and he said you have to be patient and have faith!! This is the most confusing part of all, I have already tried everything and have been more patient than most women would be, but he still throws the problem in my lap when I bring it up. Or he goes off on another subject or tries to quote somebody that has nothing to do with it. I guess I will be leaving then very soon, All of my trust is wiped out. Maybe there is someone else out there who would appreciate a good person in their life even if I am disabled a bit. Can you believe this, the water in the house got shut off today cause he never paid the bill, I pay the rent and the cable and he does the utilities and stuff, and I'm wondering what else is he not paying? Probably nothing. scares me to think about it. He is very irritated at me right now because we talked for a bit and I told him that he needed to make some serious decisions real soon regarding how he wants his life to be so I can get on with mine, but still to this day I will not let him sleep in the same bed or touch me, he's been sleeping on the couch when he is home. I know it sounds kind of mean but I want him to know that I am really serious about the situation and as far as Im concerned we are separated at this time only to remain friends. Well thanx again for your support, Write soon.

wow thank you for posting this. I don't blame you for needing advice for an outside perspective. I have seen this before unfortunatly. I am not an expert by any means but I am going into the psychology field and want to help.<br />
First I want to let you know and I'm sorry this is hard for you. He is cheating on you. Emotional cheating (possibly just emotional but could be physical) Emotional cheating in my opinion is the worst kind. pure physical cheating can go much less deep. He is doing this possibly because he is experiencing a midlife crisis and being with someone who is much younger than him that fauns all over him and "needs" him to "help" her maiden in distress routine (complete BS btw) makes him feel "manly" like a provider. <br />
The thing is if he had integrity and real manly strength he wouldn't need this false sharade to make him feel like he has power. He doesn't. She is using him and he is using you!!! She is a totally worthless dirt bag and that needs to get out and get life! <br />
He is using you as trusty back up woman for encase the young lady gets bored with him and moves on to the next victim (which will happen) and then he will come running to you. Don't let him!!! <br />
You are right! follow through with what you have promised him and show him what real integrity is. If you don't follow through you will lose all the power you have. <br />
You should write him a letter and leave while he is out at work. This will keep him from changing your mind. Shock him because you have already tried everything else. do not respond to your phone if he tries to get you back right away. you are his security blanket and he may feel less secure without you at first. Dont respond till the other woman is out of the picture. (she isn't a little kid, she is the other woman) <br />
Make him respect you or move on and you will feel much better soon! <br />
Best of luck! I'm here if you need to talk!