Because It Confuses Me

When I was 16, I thought I knew everything. I thought the only reason I still lived with and had to obey my parents was because I wasn't legally of age yet, not because I still had anything to learn. I had this picture in my head of what living as an adult was like, and somehow it all seemed very simple and logical to me.

I'm 19 now, almost 20 actually, and all that ignorant confidence seems to be leaking away with the last of my teenage years. I have never listened to my parents, I only did what they told me when I absolutely had to. Because I didn't know. I didn't know how confused and insecure I would be 4 years into the future. I didn't know how complicated everything is. Now I do, and it turns out not knowing things takes a lot of energy.

I don't know how to picture the rest of my life. I don't know if I'll ever get married. And if I do get married, I don't know if it'll be to my current boyfriend or not. I don't know if I ever want children, and if I do, how to raise them. I don't know how to organize things or how to do finances. I don't know if I'll be a social worker until I retire. I know that I want to move out of this country, but I don't know where or how. I don't know how to dress like an adult.

These are just examples of all the things I don't know. And I know it seems silly, but I worry about these things. I also worry about my boyfriend's depression. Why did he get it and not me? Why does he sometimes feel the urge to cut himself while I can't even imagine ever wanting to do that? Why do some people turn out happy just like that, while others don't? Why is it easy for some people to appreciate the little things and live in the moment, while others waste half their lives away worrying about everything?

I know this is probably just another growing-up-phase, but life just seems very random to me at the moment. I don't really know what to do. If anyone has any insights, they're welcome to share them with me.