My Messed Up Life

i am only 14 and my thoughts are already messed up, everyday i just want to kill myself. i am running out of room to cut myself, my thoughts are becoming more and more darker and i am scared to talk about it to anyone and only of my friends know cause she saw the cuts but i dont want to open up to her because she has her own troubles.
the reasons i have these thoughts? i got bullied from the first grade to seventh i would get bashed, name called, rejected they made it clear i was unwanted. i changed school in about seventh grade where i made some awesome friends but moved far south not long after where i had trouble fitting in and eventually made friends who after a couple of months of knowing me excluded me from everything and made me feel like a **** but yet i continued trying to be their friend. than i went into highschool and my best friend turned into the biggest ***** she would always say nast stuff to me and never have anything nice to say, so at the the age 12 i started cutting and to top it mum was being extra hard on me because my brothers had just been diagonsed with aspergers and my older brother had moved out she would always yell at me and call me worthless and a mistake and now, mum is still a ***** i am still friends with those "friends" but i keep to myself botteling everything up to scared to go to help and surprised when i make it another day.
awesome98 awesome98
2 Responses Dec 12, 2012

It's very hard to go through what you do. What I like to think is that people like you is the one becoming the strongest and fairest! When life hit's you hard, you have to stay put, take the hits and say that you're stronger than this. What I myself like to think is that the more the wind, the stronger I can get because of the extra training.

You proboably feel alot of more than you actually say here, and like "Calm111" is saying that you proboably need to explain a little more how just you tackle these things so atleast someone can try to understand the feelings you're going through. I would like to say I understand you, but doesn't wan't to put too much words of my own in your mouth.

What I can say is that friends in that age aren't the best ones if you aren't lucky enough to qualify in some strange ways. Sometimes the need of others may actually put you further away because you try to hard to fit in, and may also make the problem a little bigger. But again, I don't want to say too much here without exactly knowing.

I can say though that your life is hard, it's tough, but according to me - if you're life would be messed up you have to be the one to take the blame for it. And what I can read, is that you're life isn't messed up, YOU haven't messed up anything , you are good as you are!

What your mom does, if it's true, is something very unrespectful. Maybe she's having a hard time herself? Have you tried to see it from her point of view? I do not say her acting is okay, but it may in one strange sense comfort you if you really knew why she's doing as she's doing? I would like to hope that she actually loves you but has a really hard time confronting herself and what she really should be doing?

But then again, this is what I think, I do not know everything I assumed, it would be really good if you could speak about your feelings about the reasons? The reason you hate the namecalling? - would it be that you're feeling lonely, losing your selfrespect? these things may seem very elementary, but to understand you more correctly and not assuming things would be most respectfull to you. Feelings relate different to different people.

If you think it's all to personal to say it on the internet, to chat with a stranger, to open up - I would suggest seing someone that really can listen. Either o relative, but seing someone "proffesional" isn't such a fall. The reason people don't go there is becausee people feel shame of taking that step. What a "professional" would do is only to listen. A profesional listener isn't just a psychologist, but could be the schools welfare officer or a priest. What I would say is that you're so young and still could evolve to such a beautifull minded person that it would be very sad if you let this problem drag you any further!

You should atleast try to open for someone that you think really could embrace your words! But you have also to think carefully to whom you do it to!

Best wishes!

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