I Want to Talk About Love

Finding Love On Ep?

By: justmeonline

Written on May 2nd, 2012

This question or discussion keeps coming up it seems. Here were my thoughts on it just a while ago when posed as a question by a kind user of EP. I thought I'd keep it somewhere I could find it easier in future:

Question: Do you believe love can be found on EP as well?

My response:

Compassionate love for other EP users who become friends in the true sense of the word, not just the social-networking sense; definitely.

Mere romantic love? Also definitely. It is an illusion in real-life, and an even easier illusion to form over the net or on EP as an example of it. I say mere because very often it is found to be extremely shallow as soon as the illusion is given an opportunity to be replaced by actual reality, e.g. by having to commit to a person, live with them and raise children with them. Then people it seems like to go and cheat by having a different romantic love interest. A different illusion. Then again they may find they find true love after making such a commitment; a deep love that lasts, and is fought for through thick and thin, though this is not an easy thing.

Each to their own I guess.

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By: justmeonline

Age: 36-40 , Male

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34 responses

jenvice

This is an interesting post with a great thread of comments. I don't see or use Ep as a dating site either however the unexpected can happen anywhere and when one least expects it.
Thanks for bringing up a good disussion.

Sep 23, 2012
2 likes
- justmeonline
  I agree unexpected feelings can arise, but we also need to be realistic about the practical limits on what actions are an appropriate consequence of feelings. I think to act without thought on one's feelings is a sign of immaturity: children do it, but it somehow seems socially acceptable for "romantic love" to be the cause of such immature behaviour - at least that's my opinion. Thanks for reading, appreciating and commenting.
  
  Sep 24, 2012
  1 like
papri

I agree a bit and a bit not...if real people here can make real friendships..why can't real people find love in EP?
Everything in this world is an illusion until you see real people with thoughts...real feelings...who could make real relatonships.

Sep 23, 2012
3 likes
- justmeonline
  I think romantic love, which often takes a knock at my hands, is very often mere whim and fancy anyway. I'm sure whim and fancy can very easily be fuelled on EP.
  
  Sep 23, 2012
  1 like
- papri
  It is easy to lure someone in romantic love on a social networking website...if real connections of two people happen they could still find love here...
  
  Sep 23, 2012
  1 like
- justmeonline
  I'm not saying they couldn't, but relating physically in each other's presence is a different thing altogether, do you not think?
  
  Sep 23, 2012
  1 like
- papri
  It is different which is true....but if the mind and heart doesn't connect being in a physical face to face situation,will that make any difference?
  
  Sep 23, 2012
  1 like
- justmeonline
  Exactly, so merely imagining mind and heart connect, which is what I mean by whim and fancy; don't you think relating physically would be different and therefore expose that the romantic feelings were in fact just imagined?
  
  Sep 23, 2012
  1 like
- papri
  i'm not sure J...truely..i haven't or never thought about loving someone romantically whom i know over the internet..
  
  Sep 23, 2012
  1 like
- justmeonline
  I thought you were arguing a case for it being possible my friend!
  
  Sep 23, 2012
  1 like
- papri
  To me...friendship is an important thing for loving someone..be it over the internet or in real life...if i ever meet someone with whom i could have made connections...i think it is possible to love someone...but it cannot be just over internet both people have to be in physical presence to know and move forward in a relationship...
  And to your question...i know people in EP who meet each other here and say they love each other and i think that should be true..
  
  Sep 23, 2012
  1 like
- justmeonline
  Yes, and in my story I also distinguish between compassionate love, between friends, which tends to be based on something, whereas romantic love seems to sometimes appear from thin air!
  
  Sep 23, 2012
  1 like
- papri
  i hope romantic love doesn't vanish after all...thats gonna hurt..
  
  Sep 23, 2012
  1 like
- justmeonline
  I think I am not understanding you, papri. Maybe it's cos its v late and I'm sleepy :-) You might elaborate in a Pm if you like. G'night now!
  
  Sep 23, 2012
  1 like
8 More Replies
JustBernieGirl

Love is a funny thing. Some people have like one rock solid definition of it; but the older I get, I think it is harder to define. Did you know that in Greek, there are three different words for love? There is a different word word for love you would have for a close companion, than you would for someone you have deep sexual desire for?

May 21, 2012
2 likes
- justmeonline
  Psychologists also have definitions of different types. The type I'm commenting on is the "butterflies in the stomach", going a bit crazy, romantic, indeed romanticised love, that people seem to make the belief of their lives these days.
  
  May 21, 2012
  1 like
RickiSchnucki

I enjoyed reading your story jmo and all the comments. What else can I add?

I'm a dreamer and maybe also a resident of fairy tale land because I fell for someone online.

May 21, 2012
2 likes
- justmeonline
  As I say, I think it's an easy thing to do. A lot of people are in love with the idea of love, perhaps even more so than the person onto whom they project their fantasies, I believe. I think true love shows only after being put to the test by whatever life brings. The fake fantasy kind whithers pretty quickly when that happens. If that's not the reason behind the end of many of the marriages that were supposedly founded on "falling in love", what is?
  
  May 21, 2012
  1 like
Inspector999

All in all EP is just like the real world - full of creeps wierdo's and perverts and very many decent people with a story to tell. It's probably easier to spot the creeps and wierdo's on here because, despite the really disingenuous ones pretending to be something they are not, most leave a trail in their friendships and groups that the wise will spot.

Finding the honest and true life partner may be a little harder - but isn't the real world just like that.

I found true love here - certainly it was less than a year ago and time will be the ultimate test but that's like the real world too - I married 22 years ago and I am in the middle of a divorce. So real life is no better.

So don't be too hard on EP it's no worse and no better than real life.

May 4, 2012
7 likes
- sierra33
  This is soooo true too! I look around at hubs and I's friends and families and divorces are all over.
  
  May 4, 2012
  1 like
- justmeonline
  Thanks for your input Inspector999. It's not really EP I'm knocking, it's assumptions people make on here and off it.
  
  May 4, 2012
  1 like
snowberry75

A question I have pondered many times myself. And your words make perfect sense.

About a year ago I stumbled upon this sight, rather down, and broken hearted and somewhat foolish. I knew I was not ready to commit to a real life relationship but being human you still need the human connection. Thus Ep really became helpful to me in that way. Not that I consciously was looking to use or hurt anyone. Regardless of reality or not, I don't play those games. But along the way I did connect to some members and after a few let downs its didn't take me long to realize that for me finding love here was not the answer. Looking back I view Ep as a stepping stone to rebuild myself and ready myself for reality through the safety of distance, and being anonymous. After all you can't get hurt that way.....LOL very foolish thought on my part. Emotional connections are just that and it does not matter if its on a screen or in reality. Through trial and error I quickly figured out the differences you pointed out in your post. Therefore I quit looking here on EP and went back to reality to find what I really needed. Honestly speaking EP is that place I came to ready myself for that, and for that EP has a special spot in my heart. With that being said I do know that it can and does happen because my own mother came here, found love and married him on Valentines Day. They are both extremely happy and are a true example that yes it can happen however sceptical I am. :)

May 4, 2012
6 likes
- justmeonline
  Beautiful ending to a most absorbing and insightful comment. We seem somewhat similar in our takes on this, you and I, snowberry75.
  
  May 4, 2012
  1 like
- sierra33
  Snow you and your mom were BOTH on my mind as I wrote my thoughts here....What happened here led both of you to better places...♥
  
  May 4, 2012
  1 like
- jacee1960
  You need to tell your mom to pop back in every now and then and say hi lol
  Send her my best wishes as well
  
  May 21, 2012
  1 like
Mahal1023

I'm going to answer this from my own personal perspective. I stumbled on EP just when I had to admit to myself that I had to end my marriage to a man that I've spent half my life with. I was on EP seeking to learn, get advice and find likewise people that can truly empathize and understand everything that I was going through. The people I became friends with were just like me. Hurt, lonely and feeling like they aren't lovable. As the friendship grew, we had become each other's confidantes, companions and yes online lovers. It wasn't lust. IT was a loving friendship based on trust, respect and compassion. I didn't go looking for it nor do I believe the other person that was involved was too. I think too many people get caught up in the idea of "falling in love" that they mistake an extremely close friendship as falling in love. You can grow to deeply care for someone without "being in love" with them.

On a sidenote: I wouldn't recommend going on EP with the purpose of finding "true love" because I think everyone that is on here has to be emotionally screwed up one way or another. :) But I do know "true love"( in every sense of the word) does happen between people who met through EP and are happily and successfully together in real life.

May 4, 2012
5 likes
- sierra33
  Aww, this was so sweet to read. Yup, I know a bunch of folks who came to the site to fill a void and find someone who understood what they were going thru and those friendships become intimate but the folks knew what they were doing and were totally honest with each other. I also know a few of those that are headed...maybe slowly...but still headed towards one day maybe taking it into real time...
  
  May 4, 2012
  1 like
- Mahal1023
  For some people, having someone that makes their heart race on the other side of the screen is love. I won't knock that. But for me, unless we're spending real time in real life together, its merely just a fantasy and play.
  
  May 4, 2012
  1 like
- justmeonline
  I enjoyed that too, Mahal1023, and agree with a lot of it. We agree on the closeness and love one can feel for others on EP with whom a real, true connection develops. I call this love, not "mere romantic love". I agree that people are so hung up on the idea of this fairytale kind of romance, that they fail to acknowledge, almost, it would seem, any kind of love other than that. Pity. As for pretty-much everyone on here being a bit "messed-up". Well, I guess there's that might be mostly true. For some I think the anonymity aspect of it could be more critical than the "support" aspect of it.
  Sierra: I'm glad you know people who have connected on here, and are hopeful of something in real life. I just hope they keep it real, literally, when they meet, and all the best to them, of course. Like you, I don't knock romantic love. Just what I call "mere romantic love" the kind that is fanciful and does not include the idea of commitment and well, working at a relationship somewhat, with understanding and compassion, rather than expecting fireworks and everything magically going perfectly, automatically. Brainwashed... &^*s! Sorry, but that's what I think :)
  
  May 4, 2012
  1 like
- sierra33
  I TOTALLY agree that nothing goes "perfectly". Solid, loving relationships take a LOT of attention, loyalty, trust and work and even with all that a whole lot of understanding and compromise has to be used to maintain the balance. But a lot of the imperfections and hard times can become warm, loving memories if both partners have the right attitude! :)
  
  May 4, 2012
  1 like
1 More Reply
sierra33

Aww thanks jmo. I might just do a story on this topic and incorporate what I said here cause it is something I have learned a LOT about since I got here. It's also something I really care about.

I am soo lucky to have hubs who is TOTALLY observant of folks and a bunch of other buddies who pay close attention to the psychology of how folks operate in here too. Throwing it all together makes for a really interesting thing to see happen and think about.

YOU are a realist and your honesty shines right thru all you say. You're consistent and wayyyy level headed about everything and those are just 2 things I TOTALLY admire about you! There is not one ounce of game player in you either!! I think your sensitivity is part of what makes you such a special person. I think sensitivity is a big plus in anyone...

May 4, 2012
3 likes
- justmeonline
  I will look forward to your story. I predict the rating will go through the roof, as it should :)
  
  May 4, 2012
  1 like
sierra33

Aww,jmo... I saw this question and your answer and really liked it. It is a very realistic view. I have had a few buddies get their hearts shattered in here and it always saddens me.

I do think almost anything, lust, infatuation or any other reason that makes folks stop and take notice of each other can be a good door to finding long lasting love but efforts have to be made to move it forward in that direction. Words on a screen are never enough.

Long term love takes time to grow and a lot of open communication and time together is the only real way of building it. Sadly, there are some folks who love to play the game of building somebodies hopes up and then just disappearing or wandering off to someone else......

Some people use this site and others like it as their own personal fantasy boat and they float around sometimes and really hurt others. It's a game to them but to other folks it is way more. :( I also think some folks use the whole "broken heart" theme as a means to get attention and sympathy from others. I've seen some folks claim a broken heart from one person or another more often then I clean my frig! After about the 3rd or 4th time, *sometimes inside a couple of weeks!!* I wander away from them...cause how many times can you say to them...."I'm sorry..maybe next time take some time before you get so involved with words on a screen" Sooo many folks with soo many different reasons for being here.....It can almost make you a little dizzy but it's always fascinating to watch.

Sometimes AWESOME things happen and folks DOOO find love and they travel to be together and it all just clicks. I LOVE to watch that unfold!! Makes my heart want to jump right out of my chest with happy beats!!

It pays to take your time and see who the other person is before throwing your heart into the mix tho.....Hard as it is....it's a good plan to have on the internet...

May 4, 2012
6 likes
- justmeonline
  Beautiful and wise. So well spoken, as ever, Sierra. Thank you for that. I think you should honour that comment as a story of your own on the topic. More people will read it that way, and I really think it should be read, what you say.
  I know that there are people on here for many different reasons. Me, I'm not on here looking for love, but there are times when I've connected very strongly with others, and certainly I never would consider with romantic relationships, they are imaginary until meeting, sometimes even a long time after meeting, as you say. When I get bruised on here, is when I care very much; I might goof around sometimes, but I don't play with peoples hearts. What I need to learn, is to protect my own heart, which is quite sensitive. Thank you for your compassionate and wise words. Please consider putting them in a story of your own so others can benefit from them :)
  
  May 4, 2012
  1 like

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