Married To A Sociopath For 18 Years

Ok.. here goes. I was raised by a bi-polar. Married a sociopath unknowingly. He was humble, charming, salt of the earth. He could look into eyes and melt people. He was a passive aggressive sociopath - hard to detect. He had a very bad childhood raised likely by 2 sociopath parents. His mother allowed, I found out towards the end - 8 of her children to be molested by her husband - his father. He was the oldest. What a mindblower. If you met his mom, you would like her. Quiet lady, sorta pretty, everything was fine. Well, I also find out - the father forced the kids to copulate together too. The mother did nothing. They lived in a small town. He was most like the parent he hated: his mother! I understand now the father was aggressive. She was the passive aggressive one. Controlling quietly while pretending to be a helpless victim.
I also found out he was in a pych hospital for molestation. Ok well, you say poor guy. No wonder he was impotent frequently. He would say, well, if I were hit by a truck and not able to use my lower body would you leave me? Wow. No.. manipulation. He would blow through money. Luckily my IQ is greater than his. I told him, you pay the bills, I buy food. Whatever you have left over spend it. That worked for 17 years.
I actually scared him. Maybe he needed a challenge.
Anyhow - we had kids. He never touched them. He would lie about drug use. I am a super clean person. I was not around drugs most of my life - so I am not able to detect it. But we stuck it out. We had these kids and they are amazing. A house, cars, buying a business.
Well I find out the impotent one was having an affair with this lady. Whoa. Ok so we go to counselling. I was feeling very sick during that time. This lady worked for us caring for our kids as a live in he hired. Before I found out - about the affair, I recall - 1 of my kids and I went to my work (I work in the field). We shared a burger that day 50/50. That night, this lady prepared my dinner and served it to me on a plate delivering it to me. Unusual.
I had a fever, vomited etc the next day. I screamed for help from my husband who was laughing downstairs with this woman and some guests picking her up. He finally came - trying to discourage me from going to the doctor. I had to go. Come to find out - I had ecoli from human fecal matter. I did not put 2 and 2 together - that I would have gotten this at home.
So during that year, I was so sick. Some days nervous and not able to sleep, others out like a light, unable to wake up and drowsy the next day. I had been diagnosed with menopause. Some of my symptoms seemed like that. I was working, with kids - he worked in service repair - many hours conveniently. During our therapy - I said - why is it that your way of reconcilling is to deliver coffee to me every morning? He said it was his way of loving me. Now that therapist is watching him lose weight. I am so out of it, awake but foggy all of the time, she thinks it is menopause and depression. Duh.. The man was on crystal meth. Likely this furthered his sociopathology to the next more permanent level!
My son pooped his pants for 2 weeks during that time. Come to find out later he saw his father inject a substance in the kitchen one night, claiming it was diabetic medication. Interesting, he was already gone, on the run to another local country. But - same excuse the man gave me for losing weight.. "I am diabetic". Wow, he was violent. But able to skirt police who I begged to look in his vehicle in the boxes as I thought he had something in there. I had no clue this man was drugging me with uppers and downers. One night we went to a party. We left and went to a bar with many of the guest. I had 1 drink he brought to me. I woke up gagging from a forced sexual act in my car. I remember that night he was doing donuts in the parking lot. Did I mention he was nearly 50? He lost a tooth said the dentist would put it back in.
I protected my kids and I then.. moved assets legally .. as I suspected an addict will run through money. I realized the itching I felt on my left shoulder that caused me to scratch to bleeding while asleep - was likely the chemical he gave me. People said - and an attorney said, you know this guy knows what he did. Your kids will be put in foster care, he is going to say you did this with him on your own desire.
He was diagnosed a sociopath with other problems. Drove me nuts on monitored visits. Carried recorders on those visits. It was insane. I looked like the nutball for a bit. So worried about my kids.
They end up visiting, of course he goes to court and requests release from drug testing and they agree. The judge calls me a control freak. LOL. He used parental alienation accusations to get more time and reduce his child support. Since then he followed hardly any order. He is worse now. The kids don't see him. I have not gone back to court.
In the meantime, he tries to get a nanny to say I am a drunk crazy woman so he can have the house, money, kids and "pay her more". He is still with the meth lady - trust me that nanny would be left in the dust. My kids have mouths... they would tell the truth without my even asking them, prompting them. Because he snuck out while they were there. Did drugs, came back wacky, sometimes passed out. Don't know how he intimidated them not to say anything. I felt bad after months of them refusing visits, where I had to take them to a place to get picked up and have police there because he was recording the kids. Finally, he said"you are humiliating me" and gave up.
Now that same nanny - left without saying a word to me. I did alot for her. A few months later she files a fake work comp case. I have insurance but I am fighting it based upon morals. I knew he was up to something - he paid half and claimed himself her employer in court email - so I am joining him as a codefendant in the case. I documented everything. Time consuming - but when you leave a sociopath, they want to win - even to their own demise. It is about control with them.
He even gave me things to document, I think to irritate me. I learned not to show emotion, even though these are our kids he is hurting ultimately. Anyway the nanny - is lying - it is pretty provable when we go to trial. I knew he was fueling it, he used to be the work comp leader at his company. Safety man. She too lies, about her names. Could not get medical records. But, since she was diabetic, I took her to appointments and knew the Doctor names. Etc. Well with documentation, her story of the day she claims to have gotten hurt - well she is not telling the truth. She forgets the kids saw their dad during this period and what day. None of her story will add up.
For the ex of a sociopath - it is easier to let them think they are winning. In this case he somehow lost his mind and gave me most of what we earned together 2 times, on 2 dates with 2 notary's. I think he has buyers remorse. He is trying to get me back somehow. He tried to tell the court he had PTSD, he was coerced and other things about property. But come on.. he signed this stuff over 2 times.
Now imagine being a sociopath- fueling a lawsuit against your ex wife. But because you gave orders to that co-employee you are fueling - you forget your title was employer?
Did I tell you - I was right - he was fueling this because a year after the case started, the new attorney for her has her address listed as HIS! So imagine fueling this - against me - undermining your kids care - and ending up defending what you fueled? No insurance, he did not do his job as an employer - as is typical with a sociopath - he was impulsive and entitled in his own mind to rights, but did not want any responsibility. He is above that.

Be patient if you were married to a sociopath document everything if you share kids. Mine does not want to stalk me. He just wants to irritate me and equalize me with himself.
I hate to say this - they feel they have an advantage - as they can pretend to have emotion, study you, and play you. But if you are strong and have the ability - quietly figure out what they are up to - and let them trap themselves.
Never look too emotional, their game is to make you look like the villian. Nothing is ever their fault, it is yours and you are the enemy.

I hope this story helps someone out there.
An Ep User An EP User
Jan 17, 2013