Why Does A Man Want His Bride To Be A Virgin?Since the last 30 years, I have had discussions with young men on this topic. These young men themselves were virgins and they were very anxious that their brides should be virgins too! These discussions were usually online or by phone. I can recall just a couple of them with whom I have discussed this person to person. Usually the questions would be, "How do I know if my wife has never had premarital sex?" "Is it ok if I am a virgin and she is not"? and so on and so forth.
Browsing through the internet, I collected some interesting data as to why men are obsessed with virginity and I would like to share some of these points here.
The ancient male obsession with female virginity is, I think, inextricably bound up with men’s fear of competition with other men:
For a man raised in a culture of homosocial competition, the idea that the woman to whom he is opening his heart (or with whom he is planning to build a life) might have other men to whom to compare him is almost intolerable. If she’s a virgin, he’s guaranteed to be the “best she’s ever had.” (He’s also guaranteed to be the worst, but that’s not usually how lads think.) If she’s both sexually and romantically inexperienced, he can trust that she’s not comparing him to her past boyfriends on everything from the girth of his penis to the sweetness of his kisses to the fragility of his ego.
Men in particular are so concerned with women’s pre-marital chastity and post-marital fidelity had to do with the need to know that their heirs are in fact their own biological children. No woman ever asks “who is the mother of my baby?” But plenty of men, with or without justification, have worried obsessively that the child to whom their wife has given birth might not be their own. The desire to control women’s sexuality so rigidly is thus rooted in this desperate need to inoculate a man against the horror of raising a “bastard” child.
It is primarily a male phenomenon to obsess over her past more than a woman's need to look into her boyfriend/husband's past:
The demand for “details” about past lovers, the obsession with “the number” is found in both sexes, but anecdotally, that obsession is not evenly distributed. It is primarily a male phenomenon. It’s not that women are always uncompetitive, but that women aren’t given permission to expect chastity from their beaux — women don’t generally “****-shame” men. Women are also less likely to put all of their “emotional eggs in one basket”; they are socialized to be less emotionally dependent on their male partners than their male partners are on them. The combination of men’s hyper-competitiveness with other men and men’s frequent inability to form close friendships with their “brothers” creates emotional dependency on women. And that dependency manifests itself all too often in obsessive and detailed questioning about a girlfriend’s sexual past with other men.
A teacher discussed and I quote him:
My female students still tell me of the many guys they know who insist on wanting to marry a virgin — while enjoying their own extended period of pre-marital sexual freedom: plus Ã§a change, plus c’est la mÃªme chose. What many of these young people don’t realize is that this double standard is not rooted in religion or mere tradition; it isn’t rooted in anxiety about pregnancy.
It’s rooted in men’s competition with other men, and the terrible fear of building a life with a woman who might know that compared to other guys, you just don’t measure up.
I DON'T MEAN TO IMPLY THAT ALL MEN ARE OBSESSED WITH VIRGINITY. I DO KNOW A FEW MEN AND I BELIEVE IN THEIR SINCERITY WHEN THEY CLAIM THAT THEY DON'T CARE IF THEIR PARTNERS HAVE BEEN IN RELATIONSHIPS.