I Dont Know Whats Wrong With Me. Help, Please?

Perhaps this is the wrong forum.  But I need to talk to someone, and I dont know where I can turn.

Hi. I'm a 19 year old male.  I was raped as a child, but I have never talked to anyone about it, excpet my girlfriend, who dosnt believe me because I dont cringe everytime I hear people talking about rape.  I grew up a generally angry kid.  Very few friends.  Though, the friends I have/had, have been very good close friends.  The myers-briggs personality indicator puts me as an INFJ, if ya know what that means.  Going into highschool, I tried to be happier, with limited sucess.  As a senior, I came out to myself as bisexual (I had previously been a gay hater, because I didnt want to acknowlage who I was).  This created a lot of stress for me, because the rest of my family was/is very anti-gay.  I tried to just not say anything, but felt horribly guilty, like i was lying to them, so I eventually came out to my sister, who I thought would be the most accepting of who I am.  She had changed though.  Instead of the loving, accepting girl I knew and loved, she had become a jugemental, bible beater (no offence to Christians.  I'm a Christian.  My sister had just become...a zealot, i guess)  So when I came out to her, her responce was basically "we will never talk about this again". 

This was a major blow considering I was in dire need of support and love and all I recieved was loathing.  I talked to my minister, asking him if I was an abomination to God.  At this time, I was really questioning my relgion and beliefs.  What kind of God would intentionaly create something that he reviled?  Why did I even exist if my whole purpose was to be an abomination?  I still have issue with this topic.  The best answer I could come up with was in the writtings of Marcion (you should defently look him up), in which he professes his belief that the god of the old testiment is not the same God of the new testiment; that the two dieties are not one and the same, as the bible suggests.  Anyways...im rambling, sorry.  My minister gave me some peace of mind, telling me that I was NOT an abomination.  That God loves all of his children.

SO, now onto college.  As I said earlier, during my highschool years, I had tried to be a happier, nicer kid, who didnt get angry all the time (I was known for my anger issues.  My parents had taken me to many different angery therapists during my youth to try and get rid of this problem.  They eventually tried a hypnotheripists.  Oddly, it seemed to work for a while)  I ended up in a relationship with a wonderful girl.  We are still together, almost 2 years later.  I truly love her.  But for the past year and a half (the duration of time I have been at college)  I have been having weird mood swings.

I can go from happy to sad to angry and back to happy or sad, or whatever, just like someone is flipping on or off a light switch.  I scare myself with this.  When I get into a bad mood, and get into arguments with people, it seems to me that Im not angry beyond provocation, and that the other party is at fault, yet when I examine the situation afterwards, I usually find that it is the other that is the case.  That I'm the one who was being irrational.  I wake up terrified that today is the day that im going to get angry and hurt someone, or scare her away, and end up alone.  I dont want that.  I have already lost many friends over this.  I try not to get angry, and i usually dont even think i am angry, yet people are always telling me that I am.  :'(

I have also (in the past year) been depressed on the whole, as well as gained quite a bit of weight (~50lbs.)  I have a family history of depression (both my mom and grandmother) and I am worried that perhaps I am suffering from something like that.  Potentilaly manic depression, aka bipolar. 

I have also found myself thinkg about suicide at times.  I want to be emphatic on this point :  i DO NOT! want to kill myself.  I know life will eventually get better.  However, the simple fact that my mind jumps to that idea, over and over, with elaborate plans, scares me quite a lot. 

I also have lost amost all of my passion for life.  Music, the one thing that I could aways turn to to express my emotions, and to make me feel better, no longer holds any power over me.  I feel lost.  My sex drive/performance has also been....bad. 

I'm going to talk with a school doctor when the new session starts, however, it is summer, so I dont have anyone to turn to. 

My life seems to be falling apart at the seams, and the harder I try to keep it together, the more its breaking.  I just dont know what to do.  Help.  Please.

scienceman91 scienceman91
18-21, M
6 Responses Jun 27, 2010

Hey dude ,relax and foget this and live your new life because there is nothingin the past,your life has been coming to youespecially your carrer,my coplment isthat forget tis and make your girlfriend happy.

I wrote a long answer but my computer gliched then it was all gone.<br />
But here's a summary:<br />
I'm so sorry for what you've had to go through, and I see you obvious strength, hang in there.<br />
When I used to have anger issues as a child my friends and family would look at me as if I were a monster, its horrible. But now if I get angry I take deep breathe so I can relax and seperate myself from the situation and feelings I was having then comeback and explain what had upset me. <br />
You can't choose what happens to you, but you can choose your attitude about it, possitive thinking is very important. Look at everything as a learning experience. Simple things in the morning such as have tea, or going on a brisk walk can keep you possitive feeling the hole day, even if things are going to well. Of cource its not easy to stay possitive when everything around you is crap but possitivity can break a cycle of negative occurence. Because negativity feeds creativity and good thoughts create more. <br />
You said that hypnotherapy helped you, that's because it goes to your subconscious, maybe you could give that a try again. Meditation is similar to hypnosis, go to a sweet silent place where you are comfortable, out in the nature perhaps, relax and focus on your breathing and feel that in each breathe in all the goodness around you enters you, and on each breathe out you feed back your own good energy. You could all imagine in breathe good energy enters, out breathe bad energy leaves. <br />
Your sexuality would never stop god from loving you, love is such a sacred thing it doesn't matter whether its with a guy or girl, Ibelieve that the gays are here to teach humanity acceptance and oneness.<br />
Best Wishes<br />
<3 Bridget

first of all, my heart goes out to you. it pains me to think that people hurt you that way...even christians. even without knowing you before this entry, i can sense your anguish all over this page. here's a hug from a stranger to start. .. *hug*<br />
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first let me point out the good things i noticed. first, i am glad that you already acknowledge the fact that there is a big problem here. that is a good first step to your recovery. another positive here is that you refuse to quit and you have the will to find a solution and fix things instead of throwing everything away. you're on the right track... just reach out to the right hand- that is, God's mighty hand of mercy.<br />
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in psych terms, people get angry because they have lost control. in effect, anger is an instant means people try to take control of the situation when it gets out of hand. i don't blame you. you have been hurt for too long. and now you are broken... your anger is a means of scrambling to take control of the bits and pieces in your daily living. it is not justified, but i understand you. and now you need healing from the roots of that anger problem. <br />
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you mentioned that you're a Christian. how is your relationship with Him? you might need to sit down and have a long conversation with Him...our Wonderful Counselor. This rambling you have here? I dare you to throw it all to God who cares much much more than anyone you'll ever know. I assure you, it won't be a conversation- it will be an EXPERIENCE. <br />
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I sensed in your last line, "My life seems to be falling apart at the seams, and the harder I try to keep it together, the more its breaking. I just dont know what to do. Help. Please." that you have been trying really hard. Please, stop...you don't have to take this all. Not without the Lord, you can't. You're not strong enough. But He is. <br />
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"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."<br />
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and who can dictate who is accepted by God? all of us are sinners, our actions are abominations. all of us need the Savior. no exceptions. no labels. i can tell you definitely that God loves you. The question for you is- are you willing to run to Him and receive Him? I pray that you will welcome Him in your joys and sorrows. Even in your ramblings. <br />
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People sometimes think that you have to be goody good when you face God- well let me tell you, He's not like that. It's like with doing the laundry. Do you put clean clothes in the laundry? Of course not- that just defeats the purpose. Rather, you put dirty clothes in the washing machine to make them clean. For us to be cleansed and to receive grace daily, we need to turn to Him who can purify us. Check out this promise:<br />
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"Come now, let us reason together," says the LORD. "Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool." <br />
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I don't care what label they give your condition. Bottom line is, You need God and He's the only one who can completely heal you. To Him, you matter and everything about you makes sense. You can turn to Him without hesitations. (Jer. 29:13-14) <br />
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Mark 2:16-17-<br />
"When the teachers of the law who were Pharisees saw him eating with the "sinners" and tax collectors, they asked his disciples: "Why does he eat with tax collectors and 'sinners'?" On hearing this, Jesus said to them, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners."<br />
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i understand that your present problem roots from your early experiences. we can't redo the past, but we can change what happens next. no matter how complex and difficult your situation has been, please know that God is greater than all of that. He will enable you to uproot those problems and get rid of them...i can't promise that it can be an instant cure... it is a gradual process. You decide. i pray that you will turn to Him who gives us strength. <br />
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But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."<br />
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Dear, I will pray for you. Come to the Lover...you won't want anything more. *hug*

Oh sorry I didnt even talk about your anger,but that is a HUGE sign of being bi-polar my boyfriend is the same way he recently got on medication for it and his anger has gotten MUCH BETTER.Hope this helps,Julie

wow your story made me cry,I am a 47 year old female,I was molested starting at 12 till 16,ay first he just messed around with me he didnt FORCE penetration till 15. Until I was 40 years old I blamed myself it must have been my fault because I didnt tell,I didnt SCREAM,I did nothing.But after years of counciling I learned that it wasnt my fault,I was a little girl.I've been thru addiction,of all types,drugs,alcohol,sex,food,spending.... all of it.My keeping my feelings bottled up has made me physically sick.Ive been hospitalized for EXCRUCIATING PAIN,my body's way of dealing with all those years of pent up emotional pain.You said you are a christian,I'm glad because I'm going to pray for you tonight.DONT BLAME YOURSELF.You may be bi-polar only a dr. can determine that ,but dont give up God has a plan for people like you and I,keep positive and feel free to e-mail me anytime just to talk.wongreatmomma@yahoo.com. God bless you, if your girlfriend isnt a positive person in your life you might think about spending some time alone,you deserve someone that is a positive person in your life,everyone deals with being molested in different ways there are no text books to tell us how to act. Take care,Julie

Oh, I forgot to mention that Im a 6'4" male of German decent, so when I get upset, its not percieved a just a mild irritation by others around me. Any sign of anger is generally viewed as a threat to their saftey. Seeing people that you love and care about being scared of you is one of the most painful things I have ever experienced. And considering im a pacifist who has and would never hurt anyone, even bending over backwards to make people happy, it hurts even more. I goes against the very fibre of my soul. I need this to stop.