I Dont Know Whats Wrong With Me. Help, Please?
Perhaps this is the wrong forum. But I need to talk to someone, and I dont know where I can turn.
Hi. I'm a 19 year old male. I was raped as a child, but I have never talked to anyone about it, excpet my girlfriend, who dosnt believe me because I dont cringe everytime I hear people talking about rape. I grew up a generally angry kid. Very few friends. Though, the friends I have/had, have been very good close friends. The myers-briggs personality indicator puts me as an INFJ, if ya know what that means. Going into highschool, I tried to be happier, with limited sucess. As a senior, I came out to myself as bisexual (I had previously been a gay hater, because I didnt want to acknowlage who I was). This created a lot of stress for me, because the rest of my family was/is very anti-gay. I tried to just not say anything, but felt horribly guilty, like i was lying to them, so I eventually came out to my sister, who I thought would be the most accepting of who I am. She had changed though. Instead of the loving, accepting girl I knew and loved, she had become a jugemental, bible beater (no offence to Christians. I'm a Christian. My sister had just become...a zealot, i guess) So when I came out to her, her responce was basically "we will never talk about this again".
This was a major blow considering I was in dire need of support and love and all I recieved was loathing. I talked to my minister, asking him if I was an abomination to God. At this time, I was really questioning my relgion and beliefs. What kind of God would intentionaly create something that he reviled? Why did I even exist if my whole purpose was to be an abomination? I still have issue with this topic. The best answer I could come up with was in the writtings of Marcion (you should defently look him up), in which he professes his belief that the god of the old testiment is not the same God of the new testiment; that the two dieties are not one and the same, as the bible suggests. Anyways...im rambling, sorry. My minister gave me some peace of mind, telling me that I was NOT an abomination. That God loves all of his children.
SO, now onto college. As I said earlier, during my highschool years, I had tried to be a happier, nicer kid, who didnt get angry all the time (I was known for my anger issues. My parents had taken me to many different angery therapists during my youth to try and get rid of this problem. They eventually tried a hypnotheripists. Oddly, it seemed to work for a while) I ended up in a relationship with a wonderful girl. We are still together, almost 2 years later. I truly love her. But for the past year and a half (the duration of time I have been at college) I have been having weird mood swings.
I can go from happy to sad to angry and back to happy or sad, or whatever, just like someone is flipping on or off a light switch. I scare myself with this. When I get into a bad mood, and get into arguments with people, it seems to me that Im not angry beyond provocation, and that the other party is at fault, yet when I examine the situation afterwards, I usually find that it is the other that is the case. That I'm the one who was being irrational. I wake up terrified that today is the day that im going to get angry and hurt someone, or scare her away, and end up alone. I dont want that. I have already lost many friends over this. I try not to get angry, and i usually dont even think i am angry, yet people are always telling me that I am. :'(
I have also (in the past year) been depressed on the whole, as well as gained quite a bit of weight (~50lbs.) I have a family history of depression (both my mom and grandmother) and I am worried that perhaps I am suffering from something like that. Potentilaly manic depression, aka bipolar.
I have also found myself thinkg about suicide at times. I want to be emphatic on this point : i DO NOT! want to kill myself. I know life will eventually get better. However, the simple fact that my mind jumps to that idea, over and over, with elaborate plans, scares me quite a lot.
I also have lost amost all of my passion for life. Music, the one thing that I could aways turn to to express my emotions, and to make me feel better, no longer holds any power over me. I feel lost. My sex drive/performance has also been....bad.
I'm going to talk with a school doctor when the new session starts, however, it is summer, so I dont have anyone to turn to.
My life seems to be falling apart at the seams, and the harder I try to keep it together, the more its breaking. I just dont know what to do. Help. Please.