I've been feeling empty for a while. I love my friends but I feel like I can't speak to them. It's like I've always been the strong one. They come to me for advice, for a hand to hold, for a hug, someone to cry with. And I do that, because I love them. But they never seem to fully take a moment to go.... and how are you... really. And I've tried talking.

I'm struggling. I'm on the edge of a nervous breakdown. I've been so depressed for such a long time now I can't even remember when it began. I don't want them to sympathize with me. I want them to hear me.

I know I don't help my own situation by masking it. I hate going into work showing the signs of my own inner struggle. But I'm cracking, and my wall is breaking down. I don't want to air all my emotions but holding them in makes me aggressive.

I need to a break from life. I'm lucky enough to be going on holidays soon. I don't know if I can wait it out two and a half months.

My job sucks. I know that, it is part of the cause. But I can't leave yet. I have to wait it out until the end of the year to look for new work. I hate my body. I hate that I over eat when I am depressed but hate that I gain weight each day. I hate that the thing I do the best is procrastinate and self sabotage, I can't even have a skill worth making a living off.

The thing that tops my list though, I hate how much I hate myself. I never use to feel this way about myself in fact I was the complete opposite before. But now I'm so lonely even when I'm around people.
goldengrasshopper goldengrasshopper
Sep 18, 2012