Life Struggles

I am a 19 year old guy studying in university. This is my first time "openly" talking my current issues right now. I must say I would absolutely love someone to give my their views. I am gay (or possibly bi) but I am definitely attracted to men. I have a deep crush on one of my friends for like 6 years now and no matter how much I try not to think about him, I just realise I love him more than I think I do - I must admit I could be bordering the point of obsession. My friends don't know this side about me, or at least I never openly admitted it. And one of the factor I couldn't bring myself to is because I am scared of what they think. I am also a Christian and has a close community with my fellow brothers and sisters at the church, which adds to my fear of being judged as I am aware some of the older people in the church are very against homosexuality. My mother who is also a Christian and is my closet family did once voiced that she couldn't really bring herself to accept homosexuality, which add to my further worries. I never engaged her in a discussion about it cos I really to fear her possible reaction. Speaking of the friend who I have a crush on, we still see each other fairly often after graduating from high school (we are now in different uni but his uni is in our home town) cos we in a close of friends. Whilst I know some of my friends, and even him, know I act quite affectionate towards him, but I just can't admit I love him. There was times when we are alone and I want to tell him but in the end decide don't want to. And I must say we do fight rather often, most of times are because I did things that irritate him, and that usually left me heartbreakingtime after time. There was a point where i thought I wont ever see him again, but yet we remain friends and there are times we really enjoy each other's company. There are always time in a year when we don't get on, and time in a year we just see each other like every weekend. He cares about me too, and sometimes our friends did comment we can be too intimate. (he actually did my tie for me once in front of our friends - dont know if that meant to mean anything, he also tries to cheer me up when I am upset. He watched me beside the bed till I fall asleep when I was really drunk at his house) I know he cares for me but he can act quite cold sometimes as well depending who is around. I love him and I don't want to lose him, I think he is a great guy - he is athletic and clever. He and I never had a girlfriend (one times one of. my friend asks me if I know he likes girls) - though he did told me he like girls with short hair but he never had a crush. I want to tell him how I feel but am scared to cos I don't want to harm our friendship, and even if it did would our society accepts us? Any advices?
Ninja999 Ninja999
18-21, M
2 Responses Jan 18, 2013

I do fantasy him and subconsciously dreamt about him (a lot). I did think about hiding my sexuality by going out with girls but I feel I am being untruthful to them, but I never have such strong sexual feelings with guys other than him.

dear, what u really have towards him isnt a crush. he is like ur very very close and best buddy. just imagine, what will be happening after u marry that boy (if u plan to ). its ridiculous as nobody will support u. homosexuality is against Christianity. i understand ur feelings, but once u'll realize that what u have to him isnt a crush. plus, that boy likes girls, so he will marry a girl right? pray to god dear.