Damaged

My mother died when I was 4. I was molested by a 16 year old boy when I was 6. My father remarried a horrible woman when I was 8. I was abused physically, mentally, and emotionally. I tried to commit suicide at 13. I didn't really want to die. It was just a cry for help. A cry that landed me in the hospital for 3 days. The courts finally took custody away from my father. They sent me to live with my Aunt and Uncle, with my Grandparents as neighbors. But I was already damaged.
High School was very hard. I didn't have any real friends. I didn't posess the social skills the other kids did. I should have been treated for depression, or even post traumatic stress disorder. Instead I was grounded for bad grades. I finally came around. Graduated, moved out on my own, and learned many lessons the very hardest way possible. I fell in love once, but of course, I lost him. I slept around, trying to fill a void in my life. Then I found a good man. A wonderful man. One who loved me more than I loved myself. After 4 years, we got engaged. I was 25 years old. I remember telling his mother at the dinner afterwards, "I can't believe someone loves me enough to marry me."
3 days later, my grandfather died. I was very close to him. I felt selfish talking about my engagement. I felt like it was now cursed. At his funeral, my own father had a seizure. I missed my grandfathers burrial because I had to take my own father to the ER. A month later, my dad died... and I lost my mind. At the funeral, the parents of the boy who molested me showed up. I don't think they knew what he had done, because they looked confused when they asked if I remembered them and I said, "I know EXACTLY who you are."
About 3 weeks after the funeral, I left my fiance. I just moved out and told him I couldn't marry him. My best friend asked me if I was in shock because she never saw me cry. I said I didn't know...
Today, almost 2 years later, I still won't let anyone in. I live with my ex, but refuse to be his girl-friend, or ANYONES girlfriend. He gets frustrated because I insist it's a financial arrangement only, and refuse to get back together with him.
I tried to date a guy once. His mother had passed away a few years ago, so I thought it was nice to meet someone who might be able to understand my pain. Until his father cornered me and told me that the pain of losing my parents doesn't compare to his son's because I didn't have a lifetime with my parents. Needless to say, I didn't date him anymore.
Now when i'm alone, I cry. And I cry. And I cry.... I can't afford couseling, and none of my friends or family understand. I tried to go to the doctor for anti-depressants, but instead he tried to tell me I was border-line bi-polar. I took the meds for one day and they turned me into a zombie. So I quit those. I don't do any other type of drug except for nicotine, and alchohol. I am even starting to worry myself about that...
I guess I don't let myself get upset that I'm 27 with only an associates degree and working as a server, because if you think about it, I'm lucky to just have that much. I just wish I had someone to talk to...
An Ep User An EP User
Jan 10, 2013