One In Six Billion

I wish I could say that my story is one of butterflies, rainbows, and various other happy things. However, I haven't had much experience with such things. Only recently have I been able to see the light of day again.
For a long time I knew nothing but for fear and misery. My life was consumed by the fear of what life had in store for me that day. The only thing I had to look forward to was what tomorrow might bring. Then by some chance of fate tomorrow finally came. With tomorrow came the chance to rebuild and remold but tomorrow also brought the pain I had hid inside.
When I was 6 my parents divorced after a turbulent marriage of screaming and fighting. I don't remember much about the event other then I knew my life had changed forever. I had no idea how big of a change this single event in my life would change me forever. after y Parents divorced I lived with my mom and visited my dad on the weekends then evetually every other day and alternating weekends. For about 6 months my mom and I lived with her friend. My moms friend had a husband who took advantage of me a female. I;m lucky I don't remember much about this event in my life. I'm thankful for it everyday. the only things I remember are how much I was scared of this man, and how I would do any thing to stay away from him.
After that my mom and I moved to the house of another friend of hers. Fate has a cruel sense of humor in my opinion. Again I was taken advantage of, but this time it was by two children in middle school. I never admitted this event to anyone out of fear.
At this time my dad had gotten together with a women who we shall call S. for the next 7 years S made my life a living hell in every aspect and meaning of the word. She was a very flip floppy for lack of a better term. At the drop of a hat she became the devil himself; while other times she was the nicest person you would ever meet.
At first when she threw me around like a rag doll or hit me she would say I'm sorry I didn't mean to hurt you." Soon that kindness slowly slipped away. After that she would tell me it was punishment for what wrong I had done. Her idea of a just punishment for forgetting to put detergents in a load of clothes was throwing me about slamming me into doors and punching me and when I screamed and tried running away she slammed my face into the door and told me if I ever did that again she would give me something to scream about. I was in 3rd grade when this happened. She kicked me in the face and bruised my jaw bone for a journal entry fro school saying the person I loved the most was my grandmaw and not her. Two events have stick with me more then any others. The first was when she strangled me until I passed out. she did this because our dog had ran in front of my feet and I dropped her drink she had me go get her. I don't remember very much else leading up to her strangling me but I remember she kept screaming at me to answer her question and all I could think was I can't talk, I cant talk, I can't talk. I was so scared. When I finally woke up from being passed out my eyes were closed. I remember thinking did she kill me am I finally in heaven, or am I still in hell. I was in 6th grade at that time. The second event was the summer between 5th and 6th grade I was playing with my easy back oven while I was at home alone. I hadn't been baking anything I just made cake batter and eating it. She came home and found me doing this. She got furious and began "punishing me" after she got done with throwing me around she told me I was a worthless piece of **** that was going to end up being nothing then white trailer trash and never amounting to anything but a **** and that I didn't deserve the air I breath. through out my Life these words have echoed through out head.
S battered me but took every chance she got to mentally screw with my young mind. Her favorite thing to do was try to convince me that I was just a bastard child and that My dad wasn't my own dad. That my mom cheated on my dad and I was the result. She also made life with my mom difficult. If S was around I had to call her mommy which really bother my mom. this has caused my mom and I to have a troubled relationship to this day.
You might wonder why I never tried to stop this abuse and I did. Two times I tried o stop the abuse I endured both times I was in third grade. The first time I said something my school called S the very person I said not to inform and made me leave with her that day. My parents never heard of the news, but I payed dearly. she told me that if I ever said anything again that she would give me a reason to be afraid of her. That threat lasted a whole 2 or 3 months before I informed my mom and dad personally. My dad left his relationship with her in my hands and she told me she was sorry and never do it again and I believed her. The first chance she had me alone I payed quite dearly for my mistake. That time she didn't threaten my life but threatened that I would never see my family because she would make sure CPS take me away. I endured her hell until 7th grade when her and my father finally split up.
I've struggled with everything that has happened with me. I never had anyone to really help me through it until high school. then I had a friend who I opened up to and told my story to. I never had any therapy for the hardships I've overcame. I try my best to not let my memories and flash backs over take my life but sometimes the win for a few brief moments. I get through the days by remembering two things there's always tomorrow and the only thing we have to fear is fear its self. Now at the age of 18 I have proven S wrong in her predictions of me thus far and I intend to keep doing so.
If anyone takes the time to read this story, my story then I want to thank you. I know it's long. I also hope that you can also realize that no matter how much **** life throws your way there's always going to be a day when things eventually go your way.
Codell Codell
18-21, F
Dec 12, 2012