I Need To Get This Out On Something No One I Know Will See

I need to tell my story before I go insane. I can feel it creeping up slowly to take control of my mind and never let go. My story isn't as bad as some think, is terrible to others. I never cut, never had weight problems (unless you count being too small when it wasn't even my fault), never been raped, never had REAL problems. So you're wondering why I am writing this when nothing serious has ever happened to me.

I feel... I don't even know where to start telling my story because even I don't know when it starts. I guess I'll just say stuff that has been happening recently and continue off of that.

I'm almost thirteen, almost a teenager, almost gone. I have never attempted suicide, I just feel like I'm almost emotionally detached from everything... almost gone. I am almost thirteen, and I know that I won't get a party or even a gathering, I know we'll all be under stress, I know almost no one will even think twice about it, I also know you guys are probably thinking, "Wow, this is definitely a cry for attention," but I don't think it is. As I said, I just need to get it all out, and if that includes writing a freaking novel, I will. I don't care if anyone reads this, I don't care if anyone cares, I just need to tell MY story for once.

Right now, I am in a crap house, with crap relationships, and just feel like everything's crap. My parents decided to drag me the whole way across the country just to start over. They promised so many things that will never be mended, and never accomplished. They said everything will be better, when things couldn't be worse.

We moved and I realized that no one back where I used to live actually gives two ***** about me. My parents now can't stop arguing for ten minutes to realize they haven't fed me yet. I mean, yeah I can feed myself, but not when they can't even realize, oops, they forgot to get food. Again. My parents are getting separated, I don't care, but we just started this school year and I want to finish it. Impossible they say. They say that they'll do anything to make me happy, they'll do ANYTHING... except stay together for a few more months so my sister and I can stay in the school we're in now.

I am surprised at how much the people here like me, but no one really LIKES me. Umm, how to explain. Everyone says that I'm their best friend, but then turn around and says it to four other people. I feel like I'm just starting to creep people out because I'm going insane and I know it. I can't help myself though! Every day after lunch I either get really hyper, or go uncontrollably crazy for a few minutes before I can gather myself and stop acting like a two year old on a sugar high.

New topic, bullying. I've been bullied ALL of my life, non-stop. And when I vent to anyone here about any problems, they always say things will get better, stuff like this makes you stronger. WELL, did you know that humans are kind of like a muscle. We get hurt, just like getting sore, because we tear a little. BUT to mend ourselves, we need a break from bullying, a break from exercise. I never got that, I've never gotten stronger towards bullying.

Don't get me wrong, I personally don't think I'm completely ugly, but I don't think I'm drop dead gorgeous either. And I know that from the bullying, my eyebrows are too dark for my NATURAL hair color (it really is my natural hair color), I have a tiny mustache coming in, I'm too tiny, I'm just ugly, I don't deserve to live because looking at my face is killing the human race. Ok, that one was never said to me before, but I'm pretty sure that someone has thought it.

Also, I have proof marks of stress visible on my body, my lips are chapped because of peeling them so often, my nails are thin and easily broken from me biting on them... but I still manage to keep them long-ish, my hair is falling out faster and more often, I get jittery even if I have eaten, I've lost 8lbs already. I'm just falling apart in health. I can tell you honestly that I haven't drank any water for about a month and a half.

I just want someone to talk to that one criticize me and will listen without saying something completely stupid and making me even more mad.

Also on another note, my parents don't notice anything. And I know they prefer my sister over me... I don't really want to tell you the proof of it, but there is a lot. Promise. And when I was born (my mom admitted this to me) she didn't feel that special connection that she did when my sister and younger brother were born. And you people wonder where the middle child syndrome comes from.

I am so hungry I'm going to vomit all over my laptop.

Maybe not all over it since there's nothing but stomach acid...

We're having ginormous money issues while everyone at my school is literally bragging about having "My iPhone". Or, get this, one of my friends on the bus grabbed another friend's iPad and was like (jokingly),"I got my iPad." Then the other one said, "It's my iPad." There's an extension to that, that I have to tell you something else first.

Crap, did I already tell you? Idk, I'll just tell you again if I already told you.

Well, we're moving again and my parents are fighting over that more than anything else. My parents both think that I want to live with them, but I don't know who I want to go with. Like... I want to go with my mom because she'll probably take care of me and my sister better, but she's currently with another man and I'm tired of her going off with other men while my parents are separated. I want to go with my dad because he makes more money and won't ask for child support from my mother, he can afford a house sooner, but he probably won't actually pay much attention to us like she did on New Year's when my mom left to go see her bf.

My mom came in the room and I totally lost my train of thought even though there was SO much more... i'm going to stop there.

WAIT, the end of the story was the girl who owned the iPad (named Natalie) told me,"You'll get one when you're in ninth grade," (I had already told her that we're moving again before the end of my 7th grade year, this year, and she had the nerve to say that) so I said, "Well, I'm not going to be here for ninth grade," and she said, "Oh, I forgot about that."
IFeelBadBecauseImNotVeryBroken IFeelBadBecauseImNotVeryBroken
13-15, F
2 Responses Jan 11, 2013

I understand were ur coming from for a piece here and there in your story. It's hard definelty no argument about that. I can listen, not judge and just give you my support if you would like.

Being a teenager sucks and kids can be so cruel but know that pretty soon you will be out of high school and you can start your own life. Stop focusing on negative stuff and start learning something new. What are your interests? Don't worry about material things. Think of what's really important in life. You are so young. You have your whole life ahead of you. Right now you are in an awkward stage but soon you will start to blossom. Learn a new hobby, read some great books, listen to music, write, learn a language, start exercising... Take your mind of your parents and your classmates. Focus on you!