The Perks Of Being A Wallflower

All my life, everythings been in turmoil. Growing up, my parents were extremely strict (we're asian) and I used to get hit when my grades weren't perfect when I was 8. My mom had a temper and used to throw stuff at me. One time, she got so angry at me that she made me read my diary in front of her just to humiliate me. I couldn't go to sleep without being terrified about a little mistake I may have made, and the thought of her yanking me out of bed at two in the morning to yell at me and keep me up till four (which she still does)
She stopped hitting me physically when a teacher in the fifth grade saw my bruise on my face and called Child Protective services, and they gave her a warning and a referral to a therapist. We started seeing separate therapists.
When I was in sixth grade, I thought it'd be a better year. But it was worse. Much worse. Some girls in my grade began bullying me online. Everyday on Google Buzz I'd see the same thing "(my name), (friends name) IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN U. GO DIE IN A HOLE." It hurt so bad that I never told my parents. after about a month, I saw one last message that hurt so bad that I realized I wanted to die. The pain was unbearable. So I posted a goodbye message: "THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR CAUSING HELL FOR ME THE PAST MONTH. NOW YOU WON'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH ME ANYMORE, BECAUSE I'M GOING TO LEAVE THIS WORLD TONIGHT." And that night, I tied a belt around my neck and fell asleep after praying.
Guess it wasn't my time yet, because when I woke up, I woke up alive because i hadn't tied the belt properly and it gave way during the night. I decided to stay home sick because I hated school and everyone in it. Well guess what? Some people who actually cared saw my post and told the principal. My mom came into my room after dinner and demanded to see my iPod (I had posted it from there) and she found my post. She was furious at my "behavior" and threw it at my face. She even told me she was ashamed of me. No one even asked why I wanted to die.
The next morning, she woke me up and I saw that I had bags packed.
"Your father's going to be here in ten minutes. You're going to the (name of place) Hospital." Shocked, I stayed silent as we went to the hospital. I spent two weeks there, nodding my head and pretending like I was getting better. All I learned was that to never tell anyone anything anymore.
For the rest of they year I was homeschooled, focusing on figure skating and competing. It was nice to take a break. I applied to a private school for seventh grade, and got in. But there was a darker side. at home, my mom would call me names and I'd wish to die almost every single day. I used to have horrible meltdowns, screaming in my sleep and such.
Seventh grade was a change. I became popular after my second week there, it felt weird but good. The populars invited me to parties and sleepovers. They gave me makeup tips and everything was great. But still...problems at home continued. I kept lying about stuff and my parents kept threatening and yelling. Soon, my painful problems affected my grades...I ended up with Ds. Then the pain became physical.
I brought a razor to school to help...and cut myself under my desk. I wasn't popular anymore. The guy I love stopped talking to me, and I longed for him to speak to me again. I told my one best friend about the cuts...and she told the principal. Soon everything spread all over again. I even lost my spot on the cheer team at school.
Everyone referred to me as the drama queen. My parents critizized me and reminded me I had no friends. So I died again.
I drank bleach. My dad found me lying on the floor with bubbles on my mouth and drove me to the ER. There I was flushed.
They sent me back to the other mental hospital. This time it was different. There I met a boy named Adam...and he liked me. I liked him, too. We talked and we connected, he did Pot, and I told him to stop. He did. I left before he did...i friended him online once he was out, but then we lost connection. Once I was back at school, I fell in love again with the same boy who had stopped talking to me (not saying his name as he has an EP account). This time he talked to me, socialized me, messaged me, even gave me high fives in the hallway. Everything was better..and then...
I found out that I was going to repeat the seventh grade. My parents decided to buy me more time before high school to "shape up and mature". it was devastating. My grades were As now.
I was going to repeat the grade at a public middle school and start fresh. I continued to talk to the boy, and he was the first one I told. He supported me and even promised we'd still be friends.
I think he liked me at one time...the same way I loved him...but it was over soon, he began telling me about the girl he loved. It wasn't me. I loved him enough to support him, she was pretty and nice, and to give him advice. Summer came and he changed.
He wasn't understanding anymore. He was one of those popular kids who only wanted to screw girls now. He even blocked me.
This year has been horrible. Everyday I wake up crying...why can't I just be normal? Why don't boys i love love me back? Why is everything so....unreal?
countinghours countinghours
Jan 19, 2013