13 Year Olds Perspective

Hi im 13.
I have a mom, a dad, and a brother and my grandma lives with me since my grandfather passed about when I was only 3.
Im so thankful for my family!!
Im kind of petite for my age and always get mistaken for someone younger - I take it as a conmpliment! :)
I have always been a deep think so I over think things all the time. Heres my life...

Since Pre-School until 5th grade I was bullied. Not severly. Just picking on, and spreading nasty rumors.. I got called ugly and weird and I will admit I was different. In 6th grade, it was a new school! I was going into middle school and like all the other girls I started liking boys and worrying about how I looked! I completely changed and I just wanted to start fresh! This was a new beginning for me. Anyways, since I was little my parents argued. about EVERYTHING. Stupid stuff. Like this one time my dad thought my mom was having an affair with another man and the best part is that this man wasn't even straight. I would sit in my brothers room and shut the door and cry just listening to my dad yell at my mom about how being gay is not allowed and a sin in the bible. I felt terrible hearing this. I'm the type of person where I wouldn't give 2 fadoodles if your gay, straight, bisexual, lesbian, black, purple, tall, etc. If you respect me, ill respect you. In 5th grade they almost got divorced. Then my dad freaked out and tried to "better" himself. My mom forgives people too easily. I hate that so much! But I don't want to say anything because I'm afraid she'll get mad. In 7th grade my parents actually started the divorce process. Im really worried now. Don't get me wrong, I love my dad! He gave me my life! But im afraid of him. I don't like being around him either, it makes me uncomfortable. A few weeks ago, my parents started going to movies together and my dad started buying roses for my mom. I thought it was the creepiest thing ever to be honest but my mom thought it was sweet. I don't want to go through this again.

Aside from that, I have always been a deep thinker. Im paranoid a lot of the times. In 1st grade I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disoder and a Panic Disorder. I have separation anxiety and I would get more nervous at school because I wouldn't want to leave my mom but I didn't want to tell her because I knew she would get mad at me. Im still afraid to ask to stay home for school if I don't feel good because I don't want my mom to get mad. That's the last thing I want to do. I have these weird little things I do sometimes. OCD!!! lol! Its hard to explain but ill tell myself if I do easy little stuff then something good or bad will happen. For example, if im at a resraunt and Im drinking a water I tell myself something silly like if you take 2 more sips then you will ace your history quiz! or else you will fail. Sort of like Karma. Its weird I know.

I always feel lonely. I don't cut or drink and anything bad but I always feel alone even with hundreds of people around me. I feel awkward, lost, confused. I get this feeling that I feel like my life isn't real and someone is watching everything I say and do and watching me. I picture thousands, millions even, of people. Staring. Making fun of me. Mimicking me.

Another thing I try to explain to people is this. I don't know what its called or how to describe it but sort of like your outlook on life. How you feel when you get home or how you think of your friends- how you live your life. How you think about your life. You don't think much about it but its just how you feel about everything or your surroundings. My perspective of that changes a lot. I can't control it. I feel like I have so much emotion and energy bottled up and I want to let it all out but I can't. I physically cant. Its a scary feeling but I get over it because im used to staying reserved.

Can you relate to any of this? :)

An Ep User An EP User
Feb 6, 2013