My "entirity"

Dear Anybody,

I’m 19. I gave a boy my entirety at 18. At 18, I was engulfed in his being. He lied to me about different girls, different situations, and different actions. He cheated on me with different girls. He belittled me with names, his tone of voice and how he would try to “control” me. He used me for my love, my body and my forgiving nature. He chose recent friends over our long term relationship. He would tell me he missed me, he loves me, and how he was going to change. I would take him back and nothing ever changed, for more than a week. I loved him so much. I still do. I want to hate him, I have every reason to hate him, to want to spit on his name, but I don’t. I want him to change, because I know he can be better. I know.

It kills me that I go days without texting or calling him. But, I know he’s still entertaining other females. He probably doesn’t even care when we go a couple of days without talking. He probably won’t care that it hurts to the soul. He probably doesn’t care that there’s no more us. He probably would never change for us. He probably never loved me. Why can’t I just hate him? Why do I have to still love him?

Is this what love will do? It will drive even the best of us insane. We will do things completely out of nature to make this one person feel happy, even if we’re miserable. That’s what I am. I admit I am miserable. He has caused me to lose most, if not all, faith in love. Or the option in loving someone again. I want to be loved, the only way a man can make me feel. Maybe I’m too young, or I fantasize about love too much. Maybe I’m not going to find somebody. Maybe they’re going to do me the same way as this boy. Maybe I’m just scared to be hurt by someone different; I just stick with the same person.

How does love hurt the way I hurt? Why would love even come with this? I feel drained. I wish I could just stop loving him. Stop caring. Stop being in love.
investedenergy investedenergy
2 Responses Sep 6, 2012

My very first boyfriend, i was 16 and he was my first, he was in the wrong crowd, they smoked allot of weed and the party were very hardcore, i dated him for 2 years, he used to pretend to have crazy attacks at me, like shaking in bed saying he could see things and saying he would kill me and them himself and such, all for no reason, he slapped me like 4 times during the 2 years and also lunged at me a BBQ in a park we were having with about 10 other mates. right on top of me he was screaming at me, No one knew what that was about. Turns out he cheated on me at almost every part we ever went to together, and well, we were teenagers so we went to one at least every weekend, girls i knew and were friends with, long time cheating too, like 4 months i think the longest was, he told me he has no idea how many times he cheated on me, to many to count. it took me 2 years to let go. and when i did i literally walked out the door and didn't come back. During this whole time of cause hes telling me how much me loved me and needed me and would change and he prayed for me and that why we met ect. I hope this doesn't take you 2 years because it will leave some emotional scars.

He's never gonna change and he isn't worthy of even one of your hairs, he is a lying and cheating dirty scumbag of a guy. You're waaaay better off without him!<br />
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I understand you still love him, that won't go away easily. In order to heal your broken heart you must accept the current situation, why you hate him, what he did, why you love him, once you've truly accepted everything there is to accept, the healing can truly begin.<br />
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You don't need him to be happy, you only need yourself to be happy, enjoy what you have and strive to get what you want.<br />
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If you really no longer believe in love, try waiting for that special guy to come in your life, not all guys think with their penis but actually care about their partner, most guys do actually. Because there's one weed in the garden doesn't mean the entire garden is rotten.<br />
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I hope I've helped you a little.