Uneasy Stomach

With all that I am and all that I have, I want to trust one person (at least) completely. To be able to hear the words "I love you" and not question it would be a dream come true. To know that my well being is being looked after without having to ask or wonder would be something that I can't comprehend, but would love to feel. Trust!

So many people have it, give it, waste it, blow it. If I could just manage to not have a fear and give that kind of trust to my girlfriend or something, I think I would feel a million times better than I do. The trouble? Am I not able to give the trust someone seeks? OR OR OR are people just not worthy of it? Good damn question, ain't it!One of those life eternal type things, I think.

The sinking feeling in my stomach when the phone rings, or the feeling of wonder when something is said or done by the person who you have given your emotion to, is awful. It makes that person feel awful too, I imagine. No trust! How I would love to be able to take her word as gospel, and understand that she wants me, or needs me, would not hurt me etc. Why do I feel/know that she will? Often times, I am dead wrong on this type of thing, and it causes a fight or something, but it is, indeed how I feel most times. It seriously is torture. Combine that with my (seemingly) natural tendency to worry about everything, and you have a recipe for one shaky tummy. I have been having a hard time eating lately because of it...and I hate missing meals!

At what point can or does the other party have to come half way to meet up in the middle and be reassuring, and at what point do I have to let go of some hangups? Talking about this stuff is difficult, because if one party cannot understand where you are coming from, then you look like you are being irrational. Which is not fair, or right. Argh.

How badly do I want to trust? Immensely! To know that it is innocent, to know that she is not running around, to know that I am the one she wants, to know that I am enough, to know that what she says to me, is what it is. To know that if I need something, or some support or even an ear to chew on, she has my back.

Good friends don't count, they'd do anything for you, like family or something. But that trust of your partner, is something that you can't beat with a bat. And I want it, and want to give it. I have no clue how, and why the pit in my stomach won't let me. Please forgive me for not trusting...or maybe I am right to not...who knows.

I am guessing that this will haunt me for a while until she wants to convince me or gives me a reason to shut up and trust her, and take a fall. My lack of faith and trust has cost me quite a bit in my life, so I am ready to trust and want to with a feverish desire. I hope it is not too late, or it does not break me in half, as I have always feared it would. Sounds pretty epic, does it not? But inside, that is exactly how it feels. Like she is waiting for me to stop questioning and trust her blindly and then...bam! We got him now! He has taken down the wall...attack! God I hate that feeling...I want it to go away so desperately. Damn.

I can convince and or make someone understand that I would never hurt them, or betray them. Why can nobody do that for me? The only LOGICAL conclusion: they can't prove to me that they won't hurt me or betray me, so they don't.

What do you think? Am I doomed, right, daffy, fair...what?

EricS EricS
36-40, M
2 Responses Mar 4, 2009

What would be the worse outcome in your eyes: Losing someone because you constantly doubted them or losing someone because they betrayed you? Either way it is the same outcome. If you can find a way to let go then you have a chance of finding what you want. It is good to learn from past experiences, but not to assume that the future is similar to your past. Each person is so unique and so is each relationship. Good Luck

NO - oh, I think trust is a 2 way street. It's harder if you have been burned before. But at some point, you will need to start letting someone in. Maybe, you could start by telling your girlfriend 1 tiny thin you are holding back. Then - If you feel comforatble after this- keep going. <br />
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Trust is like anything else - you have to nurture it, water it, etc. <br />
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I'm sorry for you - I know I should not comment on thisstory, because I am not a warm and fuzzy, but hang in there. You'll get there.