I battle bipolar mood disorder.
I hate it.
It rules my life.
I hate the pills that I have to take; I hate feeling “cursed.”
I sometimes skip my pills because the make me feel drugged, sluggish and they affect my weight. I have been skipping them again lately.
Consequently, I had a night from hell a few days ago. I cried all night. I didn’t sleep a wink. I actually bawled like a baby. I didn’t sob, but I intermittently cried a full throated roar from my stomach for hours.
I actually started surfing the web for suicide sites.
We had a special launch at work the next day. I like going to work and the launch promised to be a special treat, so I went in spite of my bad night.
I am glad I went. The venue for the launch was the Zoo. The parkland around the animal enclosures, has beautifully kept gardens that are in full flower, now that the spring is here.
The turning point for me was the last talk of the day. It was presented by a brilliant motivational speaker with a great heart.
He spoke on turning your life around. He said that it isn’t feasible to turn your life around a full 180º in one quick and dramatic manoeuvre.
Imagine doing that to a big ship! A little speedboat could manage it, but a super tanker would snap. A child who hasn’t done much living can turn around quickly; I would compare that short little life to a speedboat. On the other hand, with an adult, well, there is simply too much bulk. Bulk made of living, growing and building. There are holds are full of tears, experiences and baggage. He recommended a gentle 10º.
It is manageable, it is incremental and you won’t end up were you were going originally. Then you do it again, till you are steaming full speed ahead to the harbour that you have chosen.
Choosing the right harbour is of paramount importance, he said. When the storms blow and the doldrums bog you down you have to focus on your goal or you will lose heart!
The goal is important, but so are regular checks on your course. The same principle holds true for sailing in the right direction as in the wrong. If you are 10º out, you won’t get to were you where originally headed.
The motivational speaker was also a man of compassion. He wasn’t all rah-rah with no substance. He invited me to talk to him one-on-one after the proceedings. It was a considerable sacrifice of his personal time and I definitely didn’t have the big bucks to pay him that corporations pay him by the hour!
We sat and talked forever. He gave me hope and a few strategies. On one of the suicide sites that I had logged on to the night before I read that: “Suicidal behaviour is brought about when coping skills are outweighed by stress.”
Very simply put on paper, but very nasty to experience.
What a coincidence that on the day my coping skills run out, I meet someone with new strategies!
Now I keep a “Gratitude diary” that I have been able to fill with far more than the required five entries.
I train myself to constantly catch myself “Doing something RIGHT.”
I only speak positive thoughts.
The wise speaker told us that there are only four things that you need to do to change your life:
· You can do less of something;
· You can do more of something;
· You can start something;
· You can end something.
I intend to start something wonderful and end something bad. I intend to do less negative things and do more positive things.
I intend to turn my ship around 10º at a time till I am aligned with the future that I deserve.