Almost Managed Suicide.....

It took 15 years to realise that i had a problem. During my six years in the army i came across some horrific scenes, especially the early months of the Bosnian war. Wearing a blue beret for the Unitied Nations was a joke. We had to stand back and watch people butcher each other all because of politics and the lack of balls from our leaders. I saw kids burned alive, bodies at the sides of roads, heard women scream in the night as they were tortured and raped by the Bosnian and Croatian forces (all sides were as bad as the other). We weren't allowed to help as it wasn't our war......

I began drinking heavily and was often violent but i didn't think anything was wrong because as a soldier we sometimes acted that way (sad but true). What i didn't realise was that i was like this everyday. I left the army a year after returning from Bosnia and carried on in this self destructive manner and then the depression kicked in. I would often start crying and breakdown and i couldn't explain why. I wasn't sleeping or eating properly and i became a loner, I cut myself off from friends and family.

I went from job to job, town to town.. never settling down. At the 15 year point i was working in social care and had a really understanding boss who happened to be a trained councilor. She noticed how angry i became under stressful times and organised professional help. The councilling was strange at first and i didn't feel better but rather worse....... it seemed to concentrate all my troubles and made me re-live every single Bosnian nightmare. In an act of final despair i took an overdose, almost managed suicide, doctors told me i would be lucky if the drugs flushed out the paracetamol from my liver. I lay there thinking that i don't want to die on a hospital bed, alone and humiliated. I prayed for the first time..... for just one more chance at life and i promised myself that i would turn it around, to be positive and sort out everything once and for all. After four days in hospital i was given the all clear, interviewed by a mental health specialist and released.

I went back to councilling and took each day at a time. I finally accepted that i'm not guilty for what happened in Bosnia, i couldn't do anything to help and that it is the U.N. leaders and politicians who should be ashamed. Two years on from my OD my life is almost what i would call perfect. Sure, i still feel down at times but nothing like i used to feel. I am a more positive person and now can see a positive for every negative where before everything was a hopeless negative with no escape. I went back to college and started again at 35 years of age. I gained skills and now have a great job with fantastic prospects, a job which interests and fascinates me. For the first time in years, i look forward to tomorrow....

I think that this whole experience has taught me to be determined in life. Life is tough but you can rise above it, no matter how you feel today.... tomorrow is a fresh start. We all have one chance in life and i'm now determined to make up for my lost years. There is lots you can do to make little changes to increase your confidence, i joined a gym. i felt like an idiot to start with, thinking that everyone was looking at me but that's not true. All shapes and sizes of people workout and i now feel more confident for shaping up. I think the combination of exercise and my academic challenge helped me focus on my goal of turning it all around.

outofthewoods outofthewoods
36-40, M
Feb 7, 2010