Accepting Myself

Its a journey. A big journey, which I think all of us go through. Just the starting age and the steps are different, I think. My first meet with crossdressing was age 4, almost 5. Than my will to dressing was like a wave, sometimes I had and sometimes it was almost invisible. When I had desire to crossdress thats can be measuring in year, and the interval time is get shorter and shorter between waves. First it was years, then inside a year, and now usually I avoid the mens section on the stores. Between the waves my interest still remain for womens clothes, i always had thoughts to what it feels like that on me... But I didn't dress, maybe occasionally I worn a panty. Few years ago it devastate me, and start to worn womans clothes, sometimes openly or mixed with my mans clothes. I had a serious relationship and I depress it with force, but it was only temporary, a few months, than it began banging the door. I believed that, i can depress, I purge all of my clothes, heels and everything. It was a naive idea, that i can depress... After my relationship ended, sonly it blow up the cage, and I needed to face with an unpleased will to dressing. Its stronger than an atomic bomb.

I started to thinking... Need I always break this? Why I need to leash? If I leash this, I just suffer, and my day will be miserable. My crossdressing made me a bad person? Actually what I'm?

Soonly the answers began coming. Need I pull my break?? Nope. I fight against myself, thats cause my suffer if I cant dress. This is the hardest thing in Earth. Fight against ourselves. I still remain a good person, even if I dressed or not. Actually when I not, iI be a little spiky. Okay, first few question checked. Lets see the another question set. It give me benefits? What benefits? Definitely, it give me benefits. I can understood much more the womans, than an average man. It gives me a great emotional sense. Oh, well. Lot of my friend (womans) said me, you are special, you are so appreciative. I can't said this is not a good benefit. And have more, usually they told me I have good sense for styles. For womans style, definitely.

So after i answered this question for myself. I accepted myself totally, I'm a female inside a mans body. Sometime its give a lot of benefit, but it can be a handicap. Because i wear more and more female clothes, they who didn't know me, they can think about me, I'm gay, and my popularity score get a descending direction... Who care??? I know about me, I'm not. I have only few wish: a wife, family and good friends. They who maybe denial they are only needless contacts on my contact list.

This is my short story about how I accept myself.
VivienXX VivienXX
26-30, T
3 Responses Aug 11, 2010

Nice story you cannot fight your emotions stay in panties and be a proud lady

Thank you Fullcirlce! Nice thoughts. Making peoples uncomfortable around me... I think I trying to avoid that, but need to admit, I wear female clothes much as I can, and thats can be a big thorn in peoples eyes. Okay, I dress not like a *****, I alway try to be elegant. Probably the other limits can be the high heel shoes, what I try to be wear more and more. Even in daylight on the street... But I never force myself to peoples, I open minded kind of person. So maybe something is acceptable for me, is can be way not to others...

Self acceptance is so important Vivien. Tensions inside yourself are more destructive than tensions with others. You can let others go if they don't fit your life, bear the sadness or grief and move on. You can never move on from yourself and it tears at you.<br />
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Worst is believing others are more right about you than yourself, thinking you are wrong or bad somehow, or so unnatural. But you are what you are, and so long as you don't deliberately make people uncomfortable, or think its more important to be in their face than simply present, this is your normal. Learning to celebrate your lovely side as integral is a really healing experience.