The Start Of My Book.. :)please Let Me Know What Yall Think.> :)

“Devin, hurry up, you’re going to be late for school!” Adrianna calls to her son. She knows if she doesn’t give him a swift kick in the bottom to hurry he will be late yet again. Devin is her teenage son who would rather be on his computer or game system then to give her the time of day. Devin comes out of his room rolling his eyes at his mom, moaning “I’ve been ready, let’s go.” It takes all Adrianna can do not to strangle the child at times, but in that face she can still see the child that is growing into a man.
Devin has had it rough his whole life with his mom being the sole parent in his life. His dad, John, works away from home, jumping from one industrial electrician job to another, in order to provide the finances for the family. When he was only four his dad would leave and tell him to take care of his mom while he was gone, and Devin did that, took the responsibility of being the man of the house. He is in seventh grade now, rather tall for his age, and is steadily looking more like a man every day. He is a good kid, is on the honor roll and Adrianna couldn’t be prouder of him.
Adrianna rushes Devin out the door, knowing they only have ten minutes to get there. She gets in the car and Devin automatically shoots his hand over for the radio dial. She looks at him, smiles and lets him take control of the radio and tune it to his rock station he is obsessed with. She pulls out of the driveway and heads along to school. She would converse with him but she knows that would consist of one word answers to any question she asks so she lets him soak up the tunes on the radio as they drive. She drives into the circle at school, reaches over and pats his leg like every other morning. She says a quick “love you” as he escapes only to get a grunt and a car door shut in her face. She looks in the rearview mirror as she drives away to watch him sulk as he walks into school.
She wonders to herself as she heads back home, where has all the time gone? She is only 34 years old and has been married for fourteen years already. She fell for John, her husband, when she was still just a child herself. It was a crazy, young, and hot romance. They fell fast and hard for each other and vowed to be with each other until the end of time. Adrianna got pregnant with Devin right after they got married so motherhood was thrust at her in an instant. John knew he had to make a living for the family so he decided to travel to make the most money. John is an electrician and has traveled all over the country, and even the world working. There have been quite a few years where John only made it home at Christmas. This didn’t bother Adrianna as much as it should because she enjoyed the solace of not having to answer to someone, however it did leave her lonesome.
She pulls into her driveway and steps out, looking around at her house. She lives in a nice little three bedroom ranch style home. Without John, this home would never have been possible. She knows he has worked hard to be able to pay for such luxuries but she also knows these are just things and she isn’t necessarily satisfied with things. Things can’t hold you on dark cold nights, they can’t kiss you and tell you everything is going to be okay, they can’t make love to you and rock your world the way it deserves to be rocked. Adrianna knows even though she doesn’t mind her husband always gone she needs something more than what a vibrator will give her. She needs the warmth, the touch, the need, the desire of a man. She shakes the thought of her inabilities of warmth and love and continues on inside.
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2 Responses Jan 19, 2013

Hey great work on an intriguing opening. Some impressions are:
1) There is a lot of character backstory
2) Try showing rather than telling
3) Lets connect more to Adrianna's inner desires, lonliness

The main question going through me when reading the story was 'what is driving these characters? You answered that with the last lines, saying how Adrianna missed a warm touch. This suggested that Adrianna is vulnerable and may be open to having an affair. This could also be a red herring, and Adrianna may end up doing something else in her life to fill this hollow space. But for the reader, I can feel her emotional stress.

For an opening, the piece conveyed a lot of backstory information, like how Devin felt growing up, and how Adrianna got married young. For this part of the story, I didn't feel the back story was necessary to pull me into the story. I liked how you showed the playful tension between Ariannna and her son, and clued us in to her husband being away. I would suggest saving the backstory later, for exploring these characters more in depth as the plot moves foward.

Showing rather than Telling
The banter between Adrianna and Devin is described a lot which weighed down the narrative for me. I would suggest rather than telling what the character is thinking, to try to communicate this by showing the character's frustration or anxiousness.

Connecting to Adrianna's desires
Since by the end of your piece I understand what loneliness is driving her, I would expect to see clues earlier. Maybe a man waves at her as she gets in the car and she smiles and looks back to the point that Devin yells, "Mom, let's get in the car, before we're late again." Just underlying suggestions that bring us into the character's mood.

Looking forward to more.

it's really good!!! I'm loving it so far. You should keep going!!