The Autobiography Of A Masked ManChapter Two: Dr. Frankenstein without the Doctor of Natural Things
Frankenstein. The man was Austrian, a Jewish name it is, if I remember correctly. The equivalent degree to a Ph.D. here is Dr. Rerum Naturilis : Doctor of natural things. Had I the degree, I could change my name.
I masked my emotions and relations.
I met a lady of name B. She loved me. She is a drug addict. She was a drug addict since the age of 13. She escaped the house of her rich parents to find love. She lived in the streets. Got raped at the age of 14. In order to survive, became a drug dealer, and a prostitute. At the edge of 19, got rescued by the "street workers" - a team of social workers.. Met her first husband got married, and became a Nurse - not an carer of old people, but a registered medical nurse . Then at her end 20-s she became infidel, and her husband left her, became homosexual,and so on.
She resorted to drugs, once again. Got in relationships with ghetto boys. Got into knife fights. Last year, her boyfriend was shot dead in front of her eyes. One of her boyfriends used to beat her and her children (she has 5 with 3 men, I am her 7th or 8th or something ). Nonetheless, she entered a supervision house, where I entered in her life from some internet spin-the-bottle game.
She loved me. I could not really love her at that moment. Maybe I was hiding my feelings. i could not hold a conversation about my passions, and/or hopes - she would not understand anything - about a budding scientist fighting for his goals. One day, she decided to read my stuff actually, accessing internet from her mobile phone. Any way, in the mean time I met another woman called M., who used to name her "Stargazer"
I thought, this will give me an opportunity to have a healthy relationship, where I could share my heart. So i started to spend more time with M, and less time with B. B. broke up with me, and i came to M., when she convinced myself that this relationship will work. A big lie, what i discussed in a different piece. Whenever had a talk with M. discussing my dreams
I masked the fact that a woman was changing herself to fit my world.
Many moons ago, a woman called G. apparently loved me. I was slow brained, or maybe not. She used to ignore me sometimes. So i took the worst case and looked for resort to another called S. S. knew i was still into G. So without having me knowing, she silently got to another man, had a heartbreak, and so on. But this led to the event of G. stating she is breaking up with me. I was like, "when were i in a relationship? you ignored me all the time, when i tried to contact you"
Nonetheless, G. still follows me and every time and helps me every time, EVERY SINGLE ******* TIME, I have a breakup. she is there talking to me, sharing my little joys, my little successes. But I can't come to the point where I can tell her G. lets go out for a drink, she avoids this. For her I was a bad person. G. is not the only person, U. also shared my dreams and hopes and failures. This was happening at the same time as B. I left her too for M., because M. formally proposed to me, while U. was less responsive.
U. is the woman who is probably the woman of all my fantasies. I masked her with B. G. is the sweetest woman ever possible. I masked her with U. B. is probably someone who loves me too, I masked her with M. M. is a liar. I will probably be most happy with G.
Every time, a relationship was less than efficient, I masked it. Maybe I just masked everything between G. and me. The whole dynamics between me, G, B, U, M, led me to nowhere. At the end, what i created by masking each inefficiency became way too complex, and is now destroying me - with ultimate efficiency. Yes, I achieved the efficiency, but it backfired. It is transporting me to the exactly the opposite direction than I wanted to. My Frankenstein of efficient relationship is killing me.
I am not happy with this outcome, but I will mask this feeling too, and try to retain my neutral. The Apollo 1 blew up in launch pad, killing 3 astronauts, during a practice exercise, from which the outcome was learning about the fire security system, Similarly, from my breakdown, masking everything else, I will note, that I am a man capable of creating a Frankenstein.