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Full Disclosure Part 2

...but that is just the beginning.

Before I ever joined the service I was difficult. I could be described as selfish, rude, self centered, mean, moody, angry, hostile or any other litany of adjectives. The flip side, the part of me my wife fell in love can be kind, compassionate, caring, a good listener,and loved to laugh. That person is still here, just harder to find at times; most times.

I want things to be better than what we have become. We have tried to move forward and become what we were. But as I look back I don't even know when or where that was. Seriously.

This is my therapy people. I don't know you and you don't know me. I have to put this out somewhere, so here it is. I don't want your pity. I cannot sit with a person and share this stuff. I cannot let them see, in my eyes, the darkness that hides in my soul. I am not a bad person. I have my flaws and my baggage. I have done things I am not proud of and I know I am not alone in this.The darkness in my soul is hiding things. I am smart enough to tell the Doctors and Psychologist exactly what they want to hear. I know what to tell them if I want a certain kind of drug... and I know what to tell people when they ask if I am okay. But I haven't been okay for a very long time.

Am I supposed to blame my past? So what, the beatings didn't kill me. I survived and got out. Am I supposed to blame my mother? She did the best she could is what she has always told me. Married seven times, I guess you could say she never gave up... Am I supposed to blame my economics? Maybe it was the drugs or booze in High School... So, live and learn. I was abused and became an abuser; but I broke the cycle and got help. I was an alcoholic and drug user and I got clean and sober... I have been PWT living on welfare with a pregnant wife, I have been a womanizer and a cheat. I have had three women pregnant at the same time. I have stolen, cheated and lied... and guess what? I have never blamed anyone or anything!!

I am not looking to hide behind label or diagnosis. People without depression or PTSD do stupid things all the time. Just because the label is there doesn't mean I have to wear it. I made the choice, I did the deed. I am responsible for where I am and who I am.

kunar12 kunar12 41-45, M Aug 1, 2012

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