I Wonder ....

I wonder about marriage and love sometimes. I wonder why things change so fast ,I wonder if I am the one at fault in this marriage of mine. I wonder how I could be a better person and yet I refuse to change me..

I wonder if people really fall in love get married have kids and still maintain that passion that desire to be together. You know that feeling of I can't wait til he gets home. You look at him and your body instinctively responds...

I feel like I am lost somewhere and I can't find my way home anymore. I want so much yet I feel like I have given up....

That song Broken by Evanescence just speaks to me.

I am like Humpty Dumpty,just can't put myself together again..

How do you do it ?

I am thinking in my head I have all the logical answers ,work on myself. However I think instead I place more obstacles in my way...

I feel so alone sometimes  that it scares me. How can you be lonely and  have a family surrounding you?Sounds crazy to me. I get online trying to reach out ,to find that one distraction ,one conversation that will make me laugh,make me forget that I have so much work to do....

I feel like a cat chasing it's tail going around in a circle.

My marriage, I am not sure how to bring it back to life but I know how to get myself back ,I just need to get off my butt and start doing the work.

One thing is certain. What I am doing now isn't getting me any closer to where I want to be.


 

bellas31 bellas31
31-35, F
17 Responses Feb 8, 2010

Ummmm...<br />
<br />
What's on your mind PT ? :P

hi sweetie. that is what was on my mind at the moment

Thanks, yeah, it's my theme song lately...

That's beautiful TS.....<br />
<br />
We all change on the outside as time goes by and have that need for change in our lives.<br />
<br />
That's why those with a well built base of understanding and love can survive all the obstacles that life dishes out for whatever reason....

You may tire of me as our December sun is setting because I'm not who I used to be<br />
No longer easy on the eyes but these wrinkles masterfully disguise<br />
The youthful boy below who turned your way and saw <br />
Something he was not looking for: both a beginning and an end <br />
But now he lives inside someone he does not recognize <br />
When he catches his reflection on accident <br />
<br />
On the back of a motor bike <br />
With your arms outstretched trying to take flight <br />
Leaving everything behind <br />
But even at our swiftest speed we couldn't break from the concrete <br />
In the city where we still reside. <br />
And I have learned that even landlocked lovers yearn for the sea like navy men <br />
Cause now we say goodnight from our own separate sides <br />
Like brothers on a hotel bed <br />
Like brothers on a hotel bed <br />
Like brothers on a hotel bed <br />
Like brothers on a hotel bed <br />
<br />
<br />
Death Cab for Cutie

S69 I agree ....<br />
<br />
Thanks so much for the advise :)

Hmmm... I saw this a little while ago but unfortunately, I wasn't really in a position to make a comment. I was hoping someone would give you some words of comfort, or share their wisdom.<br />
<br />
There are many reasons for why you feel this way. The most common one is that somewhere along the way you and your husband have lost yourselves. This can simply be because the demands of everyday life require so much of your attention that their is little time left for each<br />
other, much less for yourself. Work, kids, school, or whatever, take priority over the things that deep down we love and miss. <br />
<br />
I for one love to write and to draw. It used to define me. Now, I find that I am so busy with other commitments that I don't have the time for either, no matter how hard I try. I rarely get to out with my friends, or out to hear music. I feel very lost and bored right now but I don't believe it will last forever.<br />
<br />
Chances are that the problem isn't anything you're doing, it's probably what you're not doing. My best advice is to make some positive changes before it gets out of hand. Otherwise that unhappiness starts affecting other areas of your life,even the ones you wouldn't think about.

LOL....<br />
<br />
Yes I remember ;)

Oh, you will have to talk to Jimmy about that, honey. He's the one spearheading the procastinator's movement, remember? ;)

MAL -Thank you so much for your thoughts on this,I really appreciate it..<br />
<br />
Destiney - The thing is I remember telling myself I would never settle..Guess life had other plans.<br />
<br />
Taken -It's fantastic that your relationship is back on track.Believe me I understand that you have to keep making that effort to keep that flame going in a marriage.<br />
<br />
Sylph -Now if only you can tell that procrastinating side of me to get my butt moving ...;) *hugs you back*

If you know that where you are now isn't getting you any closer to where you want to be...then take that first step, honey. Scary? Of course it is! But if there are a lot more promises in the next few steps, then it's definitely worth to venture them. *hugs*

for the first paragraph: don't ever change or try to be a better person<br />
<br />
2nd: the fire doesn't last<br />
<br />
3, 4 and (a bit of)5: it's not uncommon at all<br />
<br />
6: thinking is of no use in these matters<br />
<br />
7: we're all born naked and alone<br />
<br />
9, 10 and 11: you know the solution: action! <br />
<br />
with love, dear Bellas...

So true DP....<br />
<br />
Thanks for the comment :)

Passion. Elusive in so many couples releationships I see (yeah, including mine). Becoming more like business partners that happen to share a room...And have some children together. Last time I wrote something passionate the response was not good...so we build walls that keep us safe...but also keep us alone.

Thanks Rusty :P<br />
<br />
TS ,Yes it is,and it all seems so crazy sometimes.I guess that's life.

Your story resonates with me. I unfortunately can relate to so much of what you wrote. Isn't it ironic that there are so many of us that are so desperately lonely?

That's because you are not with.....