Shoot

I think both.... I think our lives are defined by both our experiences, but our reactions to them as well.... experiences are obviously part of nurture, but its in both our nature and our nurture that we learn how to react.... I think I carry so many of my mums traits, but that could be from her blood or how she raised me... i think many people would have reacted very differently to how I did to many of the things I experienced... I think for me, personally, because my childhood was so wrecked, Im a lot more about nurture, because my nature never had a chance to show...







I doodle constantly, and took GCSE art... I like doing still life paintings, especially with oils, but mainly its just poor doodles, you?



do you play any sports?

I believe in kindered spirits... but I believe everyone has many.... there are people you can love, and people you will never love, but it doesnt ust come down to the person, circumstance also impacts on it, and i dont think losing someone means you will never love again... it ust means it wasnt right at that time....



I can't imagine what it must have been like for my mother... i loathe myself for putting her in that position... but it was never by choice...





i think there is a domino effect... people who influenced my friends etc... hence why everyone plays a part in everything... people i see in the street influence me... looks on strangers faces.... situations you see people in.... random acts of kindness and cruelty....





do you believe who are truly are, and how we act, is a result of nature or nurture?

I used to love it when my mum would sing, even though she sounded awful.... I like the sound of anyone singing as well... I remember being in my kitchen a while ago, completely murdering a Damien Rice song, and my step dad told me to shut up (I had been singing all day. badly) and my mum turned round and told him to never, ever tell me I wasnt allowed to sing, because she didnt think Id ever live to sing again... that when it hit me how hard is must be to know your daughter wants to die....





I think the same.... true love isnt falling head over heels for someone, or thinking theyre perfect..... its thinking theyre perfect for you... seeing their flaws, and accepting them, being able to brush them aside because there is something more... and not having to give any part of yourself up... just building something new together...





my ideal love.... I dont know.... I dont want to fall in love yet anyway, I have too many things to do haha.... someone like me.... patient though, and gentle... someone as dark and twisty.... someone who tolerates my illness, as it tends to destroy relationships... someone who lets me cry without destroying themselves over it... someone i can exist alongside without changing anything about me.... and my best friend.



you?





do you think there is only one person for everyone, like a soul mate?

I sometimes long to be born into a different culture.... When I was younger I used to have an obsession with the Russian Tsars and their families.... I always wanted a life like that (but without the whole revolution/death thing).... My mum always mocks me that I should have been born at the time of some sort of revolution....





I thought Id be dead by now too. Its not what I expected as a kid.... as a kid I thought it would be better... in my early teens I didnt think it would be at all.... now it just is, and I havent thought about it enough to know how I feel about it... I dont think I want to either....





I grow herbs and stuff, and at home I have a little vegetable patch, and some flowers.... I had a pot plant called Liam last year but my ex killed him.... gave him guiness and he met his untimely end.





I sort of can.... If I sing really quitely it can sound ok... I dont like it myself, but Ive been talked into singing with my friend at acoustic gigs occasionally.... and I sing to myself constanly, I never shut up....





you?





do you believe in true love?

It sounds arrogant but I think i saved my mum.... and she has brought happiness to a fair few people.... and i try my best to be good.... I think things would be easier on me if I had never existed, but perhaps not for other people....







It depends.... most of the time I dont, but occasionally something pushes me too far and Ill speak out.... happens more on here than in real life...





I love to dance.... not very well, mind, and normally drug induced, but yeap :) and when im at home by myself i always dance round my room :)



you?







if you could live in any era when would it be?



is your life what you expected it to be?

I like how the word spatula sounds... weird i know, but say it to yourself a few times... and artichoke.... and i love how gorgeous sounds gorgeous....





I cant stand my own company, but a lot of the placs where i go, and where my friends go, involve people and things that drive me mad, and ultimately i end up coming home alone feeling worse, or just ending up with some guy from some bar. i feel seperated from everyone too.





I dont think everyone is here for a reason... there is nothing planned out for us... but we give ourselves reason... our actions give others reason.... we are here for whatever reason we chose.... i think one person can make a difference, they might not be able to change the world, but they can change how the people around them see the world, and that makes a lot of diffrence.



My grandmother is an incredibly strong woman.... she raised 8 kids alone whilst running a family business by herself, and she continued to work there until she had a stroke last year, despite being in her 90's.... we've been called back to Ireland many times to say our goodbyes, and when we arrive she's always managed to pull through.... but I dont know i she inspired me as much as she just amazes me... I dont aim to be like her, because I dont aim to be like anyone, I dont think that far ahead.... Maybe my old school matron.... she gave me the resources to inspire myself....



you?





If you could have never existed, Butterfly Effect style, would you chose not to? do you think you have done more harm than good in your life?

You make a lot of sense. To me at least.





Their opinions about me... I get paranoid, and I tak things to heart a lot.... I have a hard time understanding tone of voice and facial expressions because I overthink them.... I can never tell if peopl want me around or not or if Im welcome at parties and ****.... I need constant reassurance.







Being in love with someone who loves me the same amount.... I never seem to fall for people as deeply as they do me.... With my ex's I feel I only loved them because they loved me.... Then I finally fall in love with them but its too late.... a perfectly balanced relationship would be nice.... obviously it cant be balanced all the time, but it would be nice if overall it was.





you?





whats your favourite word?

would you rather be alone than with the wrong person?

would you prefer to be out with people you dont like that much or home alone?

I sometimes wish I was someone else, but Id hope if the opportunity somehow arose I would chose to stay how I am and learn to accept it....







I am paranoid people find me annoying, so probably that....





you?



do you think its even possible to fully recover from mental illnesses and these feelings?

something stupidly long.... John Cages As Slow As Possible or whatever its called... its a song that lasts years... theyre performing it in germany at the moment.... the first chord lasted months....







I dont know where here is. Ive felt like this since I was nine, which is nearly as long as I can remember. I dont know if Im in or if im here because Ive never been anywhere to start with....







do you ever feel like your empty? like someones taken your soul out?

I dont think about my future. I havetn for a long time.





I think about the future of the world. I think about what we are doing to ourselves. I fear for how we treat each other and the earth.



Do you?





If you could only hear one song again what would it be?

I dont think about my future. I havetn for a long time.





I think about the future of the world. I think about what we are doing to ourselves. I fear for how we treat each other and the earth.



Do you?





If you could only hear one song again what would it be?

I play guitar and bass.... mainly guitar then I bought a bass to mess around with.... Id like to play something weird like a melodica or something....



I have sleeping tablets. Or I pace up and down. Or come on ep. Or listen to music. or drink. Or just toss and turn until its time to get up.





my mind doesnt run anywhere as such, it just disappeared... it goes blank and the pain just takes over.... i have certain songs I can blare loud enough to block things out..... Ive also been known to get into my wardrobe and close the doors, curled up at the bottom. or under my desk.





you?

to me right now I need people who are patient, and gentle...







'there is nothing serious enough to lose tomorrow'- Saddest Song by easyworld



'Kate and Kriten and Kit Kat

All things I like looking at

too weak for thoughts

too weak to die

choice is skeletal in everybodies life

I chose my choice, I starve to frenzy

Hunger soon passes and sickness soon tires

Legs bent, stockinged, I am twiggy

and I dont mind the horror that surrounds me

Self worth scatters self esteems a bore

I long since moved to a higer plateau

this disciplines so rare so please applaud

just look at the fat scum who pamper me

4st 7lbs an epilogue of youth

such beautiful dignitiy in self abuse

ive finally come to understand life

through staring blankly at my navel'- 4st 7lbs by th manics... its horrible..., but so honest....



'You're ever calm and reposed

as you beauty unfolds

pale white like the skin stretched over your bones

spring keeps you ever close

you are second hand smoke

you are so fragile and thin

standing trial for your sins

holding on to yourself the best you can

call me a safe bet

im betting im not

glad that you can forgive

only hoping as time goes you can forget'- The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot- Brand New



'Do you come

Together ever with him?

Is he dark enough?

enough to see your light?

Do you brush your teeth before you kiss?

Do you miss my smell?

Does he drive you wild?

Or just midly free?

What about me?....

I know I make you cry

I know sometimes you want to die

but do you really feel alive

without me?

if so be free

if not leave him for me

before one of us has accidental babies'-accidental babies, damien rice



I could go on forever....





do you play any instruments? what would you really like to play?xxx

in a better place mentally. back in london, able to hold down a relationship and a job. you?

what are your favourite song lyrics?

I stumbled upon in about a year and a half ago.... wasnt really that interested for a while, then i shared a story about depression or something and the support i got was overwhelming so i started coming back more.





what do you think is the best quality in someone?

erm... I think Id be happy if I ever got to the stage I could hold down a job... one of my worst fears about going on incapacity benefits and maybe disability is id nevr come off...

Id like to train horses.... but it was so exhausting when I used to do it in my spare time, I dont know if I could take it all day! Something to do with human rights? Or teaching.... Id love to be a nurse if I had the stomach for it, but I dont... Something helping people or animals I think....

you?



what brought you to ep?

actually, i dont think i could ever stay that far from London.... as much as i love going to those places.... this is home... Even the ****** place i grew up is beautiful to me... so, no, not mayo or germany. london.

where I lived for a year in Germany.... the edge of the black forest, in a tiny village... it was beautiful... i put some pictures of it up... we went back there this summer the whole place just brings me a feeling of peace....

either that or on a cliff by the sea in Ireland, somewhere like Mayo....

you?







if you could live anywhere where would it be?

spirits for the lack of calories. beer when im not restricting.

Richey Edwards from the Manics.... something about him draws me in.... gives me something... i dont know what....

hummus. its all i tend to eat anyway.





Id be invisible. Then I could do what I wanted. And I could disappear.



My sight. I find too much comfort in voices, sounds, music, singing and my guitar.





I love the beach.... but not typical white sand blue sea beaches.... I prefere big cliffs and crashing waves....

wine, beer or spirits?

if you could meet anyone anywhere who, where and why

if you could only eat one thing every again what would it be?

La Tristesse Durera was the title of Van Gogh suicide note, and a song by the Manics. It means The Sadness Will Last/never go away.... I dont necessarily agree with that, but it sounds and looks pretty....



favourite book.... Maybe the Bell Jar as well... or Brave New World... Probably Brave New World actually... Or Waiting for War... Or The Road... hmm...



Waking up on my second birthday; thre was a balloon hanging from the ceiling with a teddy bear in it, with some straw, then crying because my mum wanted to throw the straw out... I was an odd kid already....



Favourite memory.... a motorbike rally I went to when I was 13 maybe... it was with my best friend and I just had a really nice time.... or something from when I lived in Germany.... I dont know, nothing really sticks out...





xxxxx

they just never seem to last more than a few days with me.... i have two here and niether of them work and its pooey.











why are you called tingirl?



whats your favourite book?



whats your earliest memory?



whats your favourite memory?

my own questions?

if you could be anywhere right now where would you be and who with?



either here with misery or at my best friends house with her. i need friends right now



what makes you happy? really truly stupidly happy?

drugs, animals, weight loss, those few days where winter and autumn exist at the same time and everything looks, smells and feels beautiful



whats your favourite animal?

horses, but i have a real soft spot for cows and bees....



if you could be anyone who and why?

a girl i know who no one really likes but shes so ignorant to everyhting she is happy regardless



where the **** is my lighter?

its here but its broken.

if you could be anywhere right now where would you be and who with?



what makes you happy? really truly stupidly happy?





whats your favourite animal?



if you could be anyone who and why?





where the **** is my lighter?