Another Christmas, another wasted opportunity to demonstrate that he´s a human being, but nope, nothing, zero , zilch, nada, as it has happened for the last 10 years.
He was there when my daughter was born. He watched her being born. He cut the cord. To a decent man this would have been a life changing experience, but not to this creep. He just thought about 18 years of bills and responsibilities and nothing else ( as if you were only obligated to be a parent for a measly 18 years ). Her beautiful life meant nothing to him. It meant parting with his money and that is something he just won´t do.
Her birth didn´t change a thing.She was just a burden . If anything, it actually made it worse. So bad, I finally had to leave. I couldn´t stand raising my child in that miserable life. So I left. We left. With his approval and the promise to come see us soon. He never did. Never. Ever. He never sent my daughter (his daughter also) a card, a gift , a letter, or even one of her used toys. Nothing. Too expensive to mail he said, as the ultimate excuse. But when he realized he had been left with no one around to control, he started to call. First very threatening calls, then not so threatening, and as I grew more assertive and independent, more friendly, but he only wanted to talk to me, he never bothered to ask how she was doing. And that broke my heart because that is just so sick.
So she went from being a baby, to being a toddler, a preschooler, a kindergartener, an elementary school student and a beautiful, smart, funny, good hearted 10 year old, without knowing her father, without ever receiving anything from him to show her he cared.
And that upsets me so. Even to this day. Because no matter how much I try to fill in that void, I can´t. I just can´t. I am trying as hard as I can to be there for her 24/7, to be mom and dad for her, but I can only be a mom, and a very imperfect one at best. However, all I know is that I will be there for her until the day I die. Learning everyday how to be a mother with some days with better luck than others, but this child of mine will grow up knowing that she is fully and unconditionally loved. And not only for 18 years, but for her entire life.
But still , no matter how much I try to make her happy, some days I see her sadness for something I can´t replace. She can´t understand why he abandoned her. I have told her that she is not to blame herself for it and to think of all the good things that she has in her life and what a bright future awaits her but ,on certain days, like Christmas and Birthdays and so on, I can tell she is sad deep inside and that makes me sad as well. Actually, that makes me cry. Because it is a quiet sadness, a quiet rage, the missing of a ghost , her own cross to bear and what I wouldn´t give to have that weight lifted off her shoulders, if I could.
I haven´t heard from him in a long time, which is just as well. I know he´s alive, though. Buying things online and feeding his hobby and living his dry, empty, materialistic life. So it´s not like he´s dead and unable to reach the living. He is just dead inside, but to this child the image of a fatherless life is pretty much alive.
And so I was listening to some songs and these lyrics came to mind because they fit so perfectly and yet, they are so sad.
"Father of mine
Tell me where did you go
Yeah, you had the world inside your hand
But you did not seem to know.
Father of mine
Tell me what do you see
When you look back at your wasted life
And you don't see me".