THE BASTARD

Another Christmas, another wasted opportunity to demonstrate that he´s a human being, but nope, nothing, zero , zilch, nada, as it has happened for the last 10 years.

He was there when my daughter was born. He watched her being born. He cut the cord. To a decent man this would have  been  a life changing experience, but not to this creep. He just thought about 18 years of bills and responsibilities and nothing else ( as if you were only obligated to be a parent for a measly 18 years ). Her beautiful life meant nothing to him. It meant parting with his money and that is something he just won´t do.

Her birth didn´t change a thing.She was  just a burden . If anything, it actually made it worse. So bad, I finally had to leave. I couldn´t stand raising my child in that miserable life. So I left. We left. With his approval and the promise to come see us soon. He never did. Never. Ever. He never sent my daughter (his daughter also) a card, a gift , a letter, or even one of her used toys. Nothing. Too expensive to mail he said, as the ultimate excuse.  But when he realized he had been left with no one around to control, he started to call. First very threatening calls, then not so threatening, and as I grew more assertive and independent,  more friendly, but he only wanted to talk to me, he never bothered to ask how she was doing. And that broke my heart because that is just so sick.

So she went from being a baby, to being a toddler, a preschooler,  a kindergartener,  an elementary school student and a beautiful, smart, funny, good hearted 10 year old, without knowing her father, without ever receiving anything from him to show her he cared.

And that upsets me so. Even to this day. Because no matter how much I try to fill in that void, I can´t. I just can´t. I am trying as hard as I can to be there for her 24/7, to be mom and dad for her, but I can only be a mom, and a very imperfect one at best. However, all I know is that I will be there for her until the day I die. Learning everyday how to be a mother with some days with better luck than others, but this child of mine will grow up knowing that she is fully and unconditionally loved. And not only for 18 years, but for her entire life.

But still , no matter how much I try to make her happy, some days I see her sadness for something I can´t replace. She can´t understand why he abandoned her. I have told her  that she is not to blame herself for it and to think of all the good things that she has in her life  and what a bright future awaits her but ,on certain days, like Christmas and Birthdays and so on, I can tell she is sad deep inside and that makes me sad as well. Actually, that makes me cry. Because it is a quiet sadness, a quiet rage, the missing of a ghost , her own cross to bear and what I wouldn´t give to have that weight lifted off her shoulders, if I could.

I haven´t heard from him in a long time, which is just as well. I know he´s alive, though. Buying things online and feeding his hobby and living his dry, empty, materialistic life. So it´s not like he´s dead and unable to reach the living. He is just dead inside, but to this child the image of a fatherless life is pretty much alive.

And so I was listening to some songs and these lyrics came to mind because they fit so perfectly and yet, they are so sad.

"Father of mine
Tell me where did you go
Yeah, you had the world inside your hand
But you did not seem to know.


Father of mine
Tell me what do you see
When you look back at your wasted life
And you don't see me".

deleted deleted
26-30
15 Responses Dec 26, 2009

This made me cry...

Wow underconstuctio... How sad. But Know that she is so lucky to have you. My "father" has 6 or 7 of us.Not one of us keeps in touch with him now because he was such a selfish "Man". He was not there for us. Nothing but pity stories when I would try to bring him a plate of food for the Holidays. When I was 13, I am the one that called the child support office. I got tired of watching my mother work till 3 or 4 A.M. to feed us five while he was out creating more babies to abandon.<br />
<br />
I sure hope you have contacted child support enforcement on him. These days they dock their pay directly, take tax returns, and may even take his drivers license away. Guess this world finally got tired of these heartless, selfish baby makers. Call the office and they can track him and dock him through his social security number. Please don't let him get away with it another day. Oh and you can also get back child support as well. Why not? Yay justice!!<br />
Then you and your lovely daughter can take a trip together, start a college fund.... You both deserve it! The very best to you both in 2010 and always. ((HUGS))

You are doing a great job and in the end he will regret it but it will be too late.

He's such a ****. you should tell your daughter that he's a bastard and that the best thing he hever had a hand in making was her but he'll never know it.

You sound like an excellent mother. I understand your worry. However you're doing the best and more. I wish i had a mother like you. I think your child will prevent her kids from going through this because of her own experience. Carry on doing what you're doing, well done :)

You sound like an excellent mother. I understand your worry. However you're doing the best and more. I wish i had a mother like you. I think your child will prevent her kids from going through this because of her own experience. Carry on doing what you're doing, well done :)

You sound like an excellent mother. I understand your worry. However you're doing the best and more. I wish i had a mother like you. I think your child will prevent her kids from going through this because of her own experience. Carry on doing what you're doing, well done :)

I'm so sorry for you and your daughter . I can totally relate to you. My son's father has not contact me in over a year and a half , but now all of a sudden he wants to contact me on Christmas day. He didn't even ask to speak to his son either just me. I feel so angry and hurt inside and the anger sky rockets when my now 4 1/2 year old son asks me where is his father and why hasn't he seen him in so long. It's hard to explain it to a 4 year old. <br />
I'm sure you're doing a great job being both mother and father to your daughter. She'll turn out fine , don't worry. I know children that grew up in a single family home that prospered into beautiful, intelligent, independent adults while those who grew up in broken families with both parents turned out miserable, dependent unmotivated adults. So looks at the positives ... although I know it's probably hard at time! You'll be fine God bless! :-)

UC, this is such a deeply powerful story. I hope the sadness you feel for her and the rage in your heart over his neglect of her is tempered by the knowledge that, although you can't be a father to her, you are teaching her through your actions what being a strong, independent woman and excellent mother truly mean. Bless you both.

Oh my, that black screen avatar is kinda scary, UC.<br />
How can we be sure it's really you?

It is so sad that your daughter's father chooses to not be in her life. He doesn't know what he is missing by not knowing her. It sounds like you are doing a great job raising her on your own. I am sure your daughter appreciates everything you do for her and it's good that she knows that one of her parents cares about her and loves her no matter what. I am sure it is tough raising her alone but you hang in there and keep up the good work!!!

I'm sorry.

UC - Last lines of the Visitor by Mary Oliver....<br />
<br />
The door fell open<br />
<br />
and I knew I was saved <br />
and could bear him, <br />
pathetic and hollow, <br />
with even the least of his dreams<br />
frozen inside him, <br />
and the meanness gone. <br />
And I greeted him and asked him<br />
into the house, <br />
and lit the lamp, <br />
and looked into his blank eyes<br />
in which at last<br />
I saw what a child must love, <br />
I saw what love might have done<br />
had we loved in time.

Bastard!<br />
You are doing a very fine job without him. Seriously. <br />
Just because you can make a baby, doesn't mean you should be a father. He's probably doing both of you a huge favor. Your daughter will shine without him. She has you.

The worlds full of men like that I don't know what their problem is, He'll regret it one day when he realises what he's missed out on.